Thankful Thursday

I am so thankful today that I have a wonderful husband who loves me in spite of all my faults.

I prayed over 20 years ago that God would send me a wonderful man who:

• Loved Me Completely
• Loved My Son As His Own
• Was A Christian, Godly Man
• Was A Family Man and Wanted To Spend Time With His Family
• Had A Good Job With Steady Income
• Financially Stable

I had so many people to tell me things like..."you don't want much do you?", "you will never find anyone like that these days!" and "keep dreaming, girl!"

Well, I did keep dreaming and praying!

God cares about the "specifics" in our lives and in our families. I was told many, many years ago to pray specifically for what you want from God, even though, He already knows your needs and wants.

I did and He did.

On September 4th, 1990...God brought the most amazing man into my life. He met my criteria and so much more. I married this wonderful man 5 months later. We will celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary on February 23rd, 2009!

My wonderful husband, Roger has lived up to what God has commanded him to be and to do...I am so thankful for my Godly husband.

Ephesians 5:22-33

(22) Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. (23) For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. (24) Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. (25) Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (26) to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, (27) and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. (28) In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. (29) after all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church - (30) for we are members of his body. (31) "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." (32) This is a profound mystery - but I am talking about Christ and the church. (33) However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

If you want to read about our amazing "Love Story"...go to my archives under "My Love Story" or start in February '08...it has been an amazing, rocky, wonderful and turbulent road...but we are still together and very much in love still.

I love you, Roger!!!

How Can You Be So Angry and Depressed In A Good Marriage?

As time went along...it seemed like we had gotten "used to living in chaos" all the time...fighting very often with a teenager, being a referee between my husband and my son, raising an toddler to the typical everyday stress in life. Well, "gotten used to it" would be a stretch...it was just part of our everyday life...whether we like it or not. I thought, I was handling it as best as I could but undoubtedly...I wasn't.

I became a very angry person who would explode with the smallest of irritations. I began to scream and yell on a regular basis. The anger and rage was burning within me with such intensity that at times...I was out of control. I begged God from time to time to make it all stop. I didn't care how He stopped it...just stop it. There were times when I would be in a situation that was pushing me over the edge...I would get in my car and leave to escape the situation that I thought was making me so angry. I would beg God to let me have a wreck and die to end the pain. I would also be lying by omission if I didn't say that taking my own life was a thought on two major occasions in my life. Was that thought from God? Absolutely, Not!!! John 10:10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. The enemy knew that I had too much to live for, had too much to offer in ministry to others and he wanted to put a stop to me...he wanted to destroy me, my family and my marriage. Thank you , God...you saw it fit not to answer my prayers...as I have a lot to live for and you didn't allow the enemy to have free rein in my life to do as he wanted to . Those were very, very dark times in my life...full of anger, pain, depression and wanting to escape the misery that I felt. Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

I sought help from a therapist, a psychologist and a psychiatrist...the problem with this was they wanted to treat my anger either through anger management or prescriptions...no one wanted to dig deep down to find out where the anger was coming from. I wanted desperately to know what the source(s) of my anger was. Even, if I could control my anger...the source was still there. Even, if I took medications to help with the symptoms...the source was still there...waiting for another opportunity to rear it's ugly head in my life. I didn't want to mask the true issues but if I was already in pain because of it, then, I wanted to go through the painful process of finding out where it was coming from, get the help that I would need to deal with it and put it behind me.
Ephesians 4:26 Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry--but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry.

When the anger came, depression wasn't far behind and it would last from a few days to several weeks at a time. I took medication from time to time but I kept thinking that I could handle my anger and depression on my own...so I would quit taking it. I would coast along for awhile until I was at my breaking point again.

I am a Christian and I believed that God could heal me...so why did I need to take medication to control this. I battled with feeling like a failure, someone who lacked the faith to be delivered from this or feeling like I had sin in my life from either present or unconfessed sin from my past. I kept believing the lie of the enemy when he would tell me this was the reason that God wasn't delivering me. I never viewed depression as a medical condition and for that reason, I also struggled with taking medication for something that I had been told for many years...."just get over it", "suck it up and deal with it" and "you are no different than any other woman who has children, house to keep and job". I battled with the anger and depression for many, many years.

My family suffered the most because at home...I was just me. They saw the good, the bad and the absolute UGLY! But, they loved me regardless of the ups and downs. The hardest thing of battling with anger and depression is that you try to hide it from the entire outside world. You hide it from your friends, your co-workers, your family and your church family. It got to be so hard to put on a front every time you went out in public...especially to church. You had to smile, talk to people, laugh, socialize and act like your and your family were the happiest that you could possibly be. After years of this ritual...it was wearing me down and it began to seep out for a few others to see. I was determined that I would not let that happen. This became a source of fear and anxiety for me...when would I become overwhelmed again by this "darkness" that weighs you down. Fear, anxiety, anger and depression are feed off of each other...but this is not of God.
II Timothy 1:7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. (Amp.)

When this started happening...I began to stay at home all the time. I quit going to church functions, quit intermingling with others, stayed to myself at work which started the silent suffering that I would do in my own little world. I couldn't afford for people to see what I was battling...they would judge me, they would be able to understand my pain, they would not want anything to do with me and they would think that I deserved this...for some reason. The more that I hid, the more depression settled deep inside and the more the anger burned.

After years and years of suffering...I finally found the one people who could help get me out of this part of my life, see that I was loved by God, I was beautiful in His eyes, I deserved to be happy and accept that if I needed medication...it was ok...it was not from a lack of faith in my loving God. I knew in my heart that God wasn't trying to punish me, torture me and my family and this defeat way that I felt was straight out of the pit of Hell....not from my loving Heavenly Father. God used our wonderful pastor who is full of love, compassion, understanding, full of wisdom and has a big heart for hurting people...he also has a calling on his life to counseling these hurting people. Pastor Rusty met with me, listened to me, prayed with me and for me daily, checked on me, fed me the Word, was patient with me, understood my pain, depression and anger. He never one time told me that I was a bad person, that I deserved what I was getting or that he was disappointed in me. But, instead...he would tell me that I needed to see myself as God saw me, that I was a good person with a big heart, that I had a lot to give to my family, my children and my church, I was valuable, I was a true friend of his and his wife, and as time went on...how much he and his wife had seen me grow spiritually, become more open again, how proud they were of me and how much they loved me. Pastor Rusty takes every Wednesday 9-10 months a year and counsels with anyone who needs counseling...whether they go to our church or not...he doesn't charge for this. He worked with me for 3 years. By this time, we had worked through every situation that had been in my past and was in my present...then when he knew it was time...he pushed me out of the nest. I have been flying sole (with God though) for 2 years now. God knew exactly what I would need in a counselor, in the perfect time of my life and he became one of our dearest friends...who loved me, even after he saw and hear...the good, the bad and all my ugliness. I owe my Heavenly Father so much for never leaving me nor forsaking me but I owe Pastor Rusty more that words can ever say. You're the greatest, Pastor Rusty!

The Pain of a Mother's Breaking Heart

There is no greater pain to me as a mother than to feel rejected and unloved by your child. I know that I have made so many mistakes in raising my children but you always want your child to love you. You don't have to always agree or see eye to eye but you want to love and respect each other.

By the time that my son left home two weeks before graduation...I was angry. He was "acting out" and "rebelling" against everything that we tried to stand for...he wouldn't have nothing to do with it or us...at that point. There was very little communication between us during those last two weeks before he graduated from high school.

He and I are so much alike...maybe that is why we would butt heads as often as we did. I am very independent...so much so that my mom tells me that when I was just a "tot"...I didn't know who to tie my own shoes but I would refuse to let anyone tie them for me cause I would say "me do it myself". Brandon is just as bad as I am in that area. Plus, we don't like to be told that we "can't" do something or that we're not going to do something!

He had a drama skit thing a couple of nights before graduation...I found out about it the day of and made sure that I was there to support my son...regardless of the "feelings" between us at the moment. He was my son, I loved him and it was his senior year...how could I miss anything that he did? I couldn't. I got there and waited for their skit, they performed and during their break...he came over to my table to thank me for coming.

Boy, was I in for a shock....his hair had been dyed...fire engine red...or better yet...Patriot...red! It was 2 days before graduation!!!! I was about to die! I asked him what on earth he was thinking...he said...well, I always wanted to see what it would look like red...but this wasn't exactly what I meant. Yeah, right! I think it was more like...can I shock her anymore? Can I get another jab in on her? Can I make her any madder at me? I wanted to stangle him!!!!

Needless to say, I told him that it had better not be that same color graduation night! Ok, so I was a little irritated...ok....I was pretty ticked off!

Thank goodness...graduation night...it was not that color and I was happy about that. I was very proud of him and honored to be apart of his graduation celebration. We were all there...me, Roger, Tyler, his Nanny, his father and his little sister.

After graduation, things went down hill from there. He stayed with those same friends for a few weeks, moved in with another friend, moved to Memphis, changed apartments several times over the next couple of months, needed money to pay his rent (I said "no"...so hard as a mother to do), didn't have much communication with his through summer and the fall, he didn't show up for Christmas (said he was sick and didn't have a ride...he didn't ask me to come pick him up...which I would) and we had it out. I told him how I felt about him not coming for Christmas, not calling, being selfish, irresponsible...I was hurt and angry. This was the first Christmas in 18 years that I had not spent it with my son. He was on his own and he didn't have to take anything off me anymore...or that is what he thought...not much respect at this point...he told me what he thought of me and Roger.

He needed my help about 3 weeks later...he was in a very bad situation. I had to check my spirit and make sure that I said "no" for the right reason..."Tough Love" rather than anger or revenge. That was absolutely one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do...I felt like I turned my back on my son. In a way...I did for his own good...not out of anger or bitterness though.

Then the pain of a breaking mother's heart began...he disappeared. I didn't have anyway to contact him...no cell phone, no internet access, didn't know any of his friends...nothing. I went from February until July 14th...not knowing where my son was...if he was dead, alive, injured, in the hospital, in jail, homeless, hungry...nothing. I had no idea where to even look. That was absolutely the sickest feeling that I personally have ever felt.

I knew that he was not doing things the way that I know was pleasing to God or pleasing to me...but he was learning life's lessons...one by one. Brandon is so strong willed and driven...he has to learn the hard way...he has never been able to learn from someone else's mistakes...he has to suffer the pain to learn that something is not right or he is able to pat himself on the back when it was the right thing to do. I have to give him credit...he has made it own his own for 4 years. He is a very determined and resourceful young man!

All I could do was to pray and pray. I would plead the Blood of Jesus over him each day, prayed that he would hear when he was awake, asleep, working, playing...everything that he ever learned in Sunday School, church, youth, church camp...how much God loved him and died for him...plus, he could not get my voice out of his head. I prayed that he would remember the good times, the quality family time we spent together as a family, the love that we showed him, the words...I Love You!...would ring in his head and ears...day and night. I prayed that God would bring healing to his emotions...heal the hurts from the past...caused by his father, me, Roger...anything that made him feel less than special and geniuinely loved.

July 14th 2005...on Tyler's 11th birthday...his brother called to wish him a "Happy Birthday". I can't begin to tell you the joy that I felt knowing that he was alive and well. The relief that I felt just hearing his voice. My son...my first born...my precious son...who I love more than my own life was on the other end of the phone. I LOVE YOU, BRANDON!!!!!!!!!

He had lived all over...from Memphis to Atlanta, to Destin, to New Orleans, to Destin, to Mississippi and back to Atlanta. I could have not found him...even, if I had tried.

He told me that day that I was driving him crazy...that for months and months...he has not been able to shut me up...my voice had been ringing in his ears, in his head and even in his sleep. I told him that God answers prayers. He never lef him ott of His sight regardless of whether I knew where he was or not...God did. He watched over him, He protected him and He loved him.

I can honestly say..."Thank you, Jesus for your faithfulness and thank you that those days are behind us now". Things still aren't perfect or a well as I would like them to be...but I know where my son is and I can talk to him or at least...Instant Message him.

He had been back in Atlanta just a couple of weeks when he had his horrible car wreck...March '08...I just found out this afternoon that he was back in our state. He is now back to being just a hour from this mother who loves her son and wants the very, very best for him.

Brandon, I want you to know how much I love you. I am still praying for you and I will never stop. I will never give up on your and like I have told you all of your life...that if everyone on this earth turns their back on you...that if you feel like you are all alone...I will always be here...loving you...when you don't have anyone else on earth there for you...I will be.

Heavenly Father:
I thank you for the precious life that you entrusted me with 22 years ago. I know that I have not been the perfect mother, I have asked Brandon to forgive me for my shortcomings and repented for where I failed you as a mother. But you know, Lord...the one thing that I have never failed in is my love for Brandon.
Father, I thank you for your hand of protection that you have had on his life, as you have spared his life...not once but twice. Once in the ocean when he was so near death, but he cried out to you and you saved him and his dad. I know without a doubt that your hand of protection was on him that dreadful night in March...Your hand shielded him from death because Satan intended on taking his life that night.
Father, I thank you for the Blood of Jesus that had been prayed over Brandon so many times...Your Blood is what saved his life. I know that you have a special calling on Brandon's life and your have great and mighty things in store for him. He will be your voice to the lost and hurting young people of this world.
Father, I thank you that you knew Brandon before he was formed in my womb and you had a plan for him even then...that plan has not changed. I love you and I thank you for all that you have done for Brandon and will continue to do for him and through him.
In Jesus Name...Amen

Brandon Came Home and Left Again

Are you having fun riding the roller coaster ride of our blended family? Well, I certainly hope so because the ride is not over yet!

Brandon lived with his father (I don't feel that "daddy" is appropriate for him because daddy is also a term of endearment, so to speak...over and above being a biological father...he wasn't) for just over a year but things weren't rosy there either. His father didn't really care where he was, who he was with, when he came home or even...if he came home at all. Now this would seem like every teenager's dream world but I'm quite sure that he would tell you today that he hurt him deeply to have his father act like he really didn't care. He was more of his "buddy"...not his father. Even though, at the time...I was the evil mother because we had boundaries, rules and expected a lot from him...in his grades, in the form of respect and just personally. It wasn't to be mean or punish him...but because we loved him and wanted the very best for him.

During his time away...I feel, shaped many different things in Brandon's life that might have been different if he had ONLY HAD A LOVING FATHER...his biological father...the one that he longed for and desperately wanted his love and attention. My heart breaks every time I write about this subject and it still makes me furious...all at the same time. My son deserved so much more!

His father brought him to our house on afternoon after having another one of their explosive episodes...he was having just as hard of a time handling him as I did. It wasn't as easy as he thought it was going to be but you have to take the role of parent...loving, firm, rule setter and enforcer...not his friend. After they had it out in our driveway...his father threw his stuff out of his truck and said "here he is...you take him...I'm through'. Well, you know, you have to actually start something before you can be finished with it. Anyway, that day...Brandon moved back in with us.

We had moved since he left home to go live with his father and this house only had 3 bedrooms. I had taken the job of insurance billing for the OB/GYN that I still work for...from home. The 3rd bedroom was my office. We had his futon already in there...so we shared a space for about 8-9 months...during his senior year in high school.

This time was not completely smooth but it did seem to be better than before he left just after he turned 16 before. We bought him a little car, got him a cell phone and got him settled in to finish school, then it would be off to college. That was our plans......

He drove like his mother...fast! He got one speeding ticket in the school zone that I got him out of, at which time...I told him that it was his ONLY get out of jail free card...anymore...he was on his own. It wasn't long and he got another speeding ticket in town and we made him go to court. Of course, he was a minor and I had to go with him plus I knew the judge...he ended up with 8 hours of community service and driving school. He also had to "be good" for 3 months and it would not show up on his record. Ok, you would think that he had learned his lesson...right?

WRONG! He knew how much trouble he was going to be in if he got anymore speeding tickets, being that he was on our insurance and the car was in my name! It was only 4 months later...I get an envelope in the mail from the juvenile department in Memphis. I thought that was weird and it was addressed to Brandon. I called him on his cell phone and told him what I had received. He said he didn't know what it could be and to open it.

Guess what it was? It was another speeding ticket doing 50 in a 35...however, in Memphis...if the driver is a minor, they have to issue him a juvenile ticket...not an adult ticket. When the ticket was turned in by the officer and processed...they realized what had happened...changed the ticket to the juvenile department, reissued it and mailed it to the house. Needless to say...he had to park the car. We made his get a ride to and from school or his mom would drive him and his little brother to school. How humilating is that for a senior to be dropped off at school by your mom? He wasn't even allowed to drive to his own prom...she drove.

Sometime over the next couple of weeks, I was talking to his father and telling him about what had happened. We were comparing notes because he said that Brandon had told him that he got a ticket but he couldn't tell me. He said it was on the interstate and I said "no, was in Memphis". He said that it was a state trooper and I said "no, it was a city police officer". Things were not matching up. Finally, his father said "you better call municipal court and see if he has gotten another ticket that you don't know about".

I called and guess what????? You got it! He got another ticket 4 days after the one in Memphis except this time....he was doing 102 down the interstate in a Geo Prism!

Oh, my goodness....I was livid!!!!! I called him on his cell phone and told him that he had better come home at lunch, removed his new CD player out of the car because I was selling the car. I told him that he was not going to kill himself or someone else in a car that was in my name. Not to mention, everyone is sue happy these days...I didn't need to be sued because of his recklessness.

He came home at lunch, got his CD player out of his car...I had already removed everything else from it...I was still furious. We had it out again...it was not pretty, to say the least. That was 4 tickets in 6 months time...the last 2 were 4 days apart. Good grief!

Brandon didn't like to be told what to do, controlled and he still doesn't...so he told me that he was leaving. He also told me that the only reason that he was living with us was for the car and if I took that away from him...then he didn't have any reason to stay here any longer.

It was 2 weeks before graduation! Believe me when I say...it only got uglier from there. It was a battle of the wills, who's in control, who was going to tell who what to do and who was determined to win. He thought he had all these rights as a teenager and I was determined to show him that he didn't. Everything that he owned was given to him by us and they were all in our house. Well...the police were involved before it was over. He lived with two friends and their stepmother until graduation.

This should have been one of the happiest times of our lives...our son's graduation from high school, going to college plus we were renovating a rent house in Memphis for him and a friend to live in while they were to college there.

I did tell him when he left that day that if he chose to leave then he was on his own. He would not have a car, a cell phone, a permanent roof over his head, college paid for and I would not support him financially either. He was angry and so was I...he said that he didn't care and left.

Did I handle everything correctly? No way! I was so angry and hurt...at the time...more angry, but the hurt and pain were hidden beneath the anger in the moment. When the anger subsided...this mother's heart was broken! Can you say...FAILURE? That is what I felt like once again. It wasn't the way this mother had dreamed her life with her precious son would turn out to be.

The old saying...What doesn't kill you, will make you stronger...is the truth. Brandon and I both are stronger, smarter, wiser, appreciate and love each other more since then...but it has taken quite some time...a couple of years after he graduated in 2004 to reach that point. He is still my beautiful, precious son...who I love with all my heart...in spite of all the pain that we both caused each other...in the learning experience of raising a son, a teenager and watching him grow into a man. Man, if only children would come from the womb with an instruction manual in their tiny little hands! Life would certainly be much easier...but each one of our children are unique, different, special, precious and we wouldn't want it any other way.

Next Entry: The Pain of a Mother's Breaking Heart

Danger, Fear and Deliverance In The Water

I have a slideshow of pictures from this time in our lives...I hope you will take the time to watch it and get more of a visual picture than just what our words can paint for you.

I want to share a very frightful, unforgettable, heart stopping but yet very praise worthy time in our life.

It all began on our annual trip to the beach...we had gotten to where we would go to the beach every year for Thanksgiving. Normally, we went alone...just the 4 of us and spend Thanksgiving in Orange Beach, Alabama on the beach. It is the best time of the year for us to go because the condo rent (3 bedroom) is less than a hotel room, the weather is perfect (around 75 degrees), the beach is less crowded and we both usually had 2 days off already for the holiday so we took less vacation days which made it a long and enjoyable holiday "week".

However, this year we talked my mother into going with us to the beach and leaving the whole family Thanksgiving at Mom's in the dust. My brother-in-law is a football coach and was in the playoffs...so they couldn't come, my brother was going hunting and wouldn't be there....so why not? She agreed and we headed for the beach.

Now, all this sounds like the "perfect" family vacation, right? Wrong! It started much like all our other family trips....fighting to the point of explosions long before we got to the beach...so bad that Roger threatened to turn around and go home. Actually, I think he said that he would find a way home and we could go without him. It was either Brandon and Tyler fighting or Brandon being controversial and trying to start a fight. All I know is by the time we got to the beach...I was ready to strangle him...the attitudes continued long after we got to our "new home away from home". We always tried to put the fights, attitudes and bad moods behind us and enjoy our trip.

The days on the beach were like they had been in the past...sleep in, get up, head to the beach, come in for lunch, hit the beach again, come back in and get ready for dinner. The temperatures during the day are extremely pleasant but the water is normally too cold for me to get it. I had a scare during my childhood with a shark, Brandon and Tyler both have had terrible experiences with jellyfish stings...so...actually, getting in the ocean is just not something that I cared that much about doing anymore. Now, don't get me wrong...I LOVE the beach, the sound of the waves crashing into the shore, the smell of the ocean in the air, the atmosphere that revolves around the whole "beachy" feel...but I don't like the salt water in my eyes or the sand in my bathing suit!!!

On Friday, Brandon wanted to get in the ocean with his body board and ride the waves. The waves were unusually big this year for the Gulf of Mexico...so, he hit the waves. He wasn't in there very long and Tyler got in to ride the waves also but closer to the shore. They were having a blast. Then, Brandon talks Roger into getting in with them. Roger being the "big kid" that he is...got right in. It wasn't long and Tyler said it was too cold and he got out. My mom and I were sitting on the beach in our nice, warm and sand-free chairs watching them. The waves were huge to us and it was very, very tempting to get it. I could hear the waves calling..."Jennifer, come on and get it...it is so much fun...remember how much fun you used to have when you were a kids and loved to ride them in..." Well, I said tempting....but way too cold for me. The water was about 50 degrees that time of year. Needless to say...I didn't get it.

They were having so much fun and I had forgot to get my video camera when we came back down that afternoon...so I told my mom that I was going to run back upstairs to get it. We were on the 11th floor and had a great view of the ocean and the beach. When I got back to our condo, I grabbed the video camera but I went out on the balcony first before heading back down because I wanted to video Roger and Brandon in the water riding the waves from our balcony. The people were so small from there that I had a hard time finding them...I video someones family and still not sure if it was my family or not. Then I headed back down to the beach before they decided to come in because it was getting late and the temperature was starting to drop for the evening.

When I got down to the boardwalk and was walking as fast as my legs would carry me...I met Roger coming up the boardwalk with sand all over him, towel wrapped around him and looked like he was pretty shaken up. I asked him what was wrong and what he told me next of the events that had just happened...sent me into panic mode first, take charge mode next and when it was all over....then I broke down.

Roger said...we almost drowned...both of us...I thought I wasn't going to be able to save him...I was going to die with him before I let him drown alone! I was panicked but asking who are you talking about? Where are my kids? Roger....where are my kids? He said their still on the beach with Nanny (my mom) and their ok. He looked terrible and he said "I think I'm going into shock, I can't feel anything, it was so cold, I was so scared....I think, I have hypothermia. I immediately kicked into take charge mode and rushed him...pulling and pushing him up the boardwalk to the outside shower to get the sand off him. You will have to imagine him...6'2", very athletic guy, very strong, dark skinned.(Indian blood in his veins), like a rock...covered...I mean, literally covered in white sand. There was so much in his black hair that he nearly looked blond, his shoulders, chest, back, arms and legs were covered. His chest, arms and back were red from the abrasion of the sand while in the water.

Now, Roger's story...I was watching Brandon ride the waves and I began to think...he is getting out too far and needs to come back. I yelled at him to come back in some but he didn't seem to hear me.

Brandon was still trying to ride the waves in and he wasn't successful. With each try, he was getting further out. He called me and said that he needed some help and I stated toward him. He called me again in a voice that only a parent would recognize as to say "help me, Dad...I'm in trouble". I looked back toward the shore to find his body board that he had been riding but I didn't think that I had time to get his board and get back to him. I started swimming (Roger is a very strong swimmer) toward him while letting him know that I was coming to get him and he was going to be ok. When I was almost to him, I could tell that he was scared and very tired. I tried pushing him toward shore while riding the waves but that was not successful either. I looked to the shore, tried to signal for some help as I was getting very tired myself but I couldn't get any one's attention to help us. So, I began to pull him parallel to shore to get out of the riptide, only to find out later that I was going in the wrong direction. We did this for 3-5 minutes but it seemed like eternity and still no one noticed that we were in trouble. Even though, Nanny and Tyler were on the beach and he was playing in the sand...she was watching him and would look up to watch us as well...she never notice that we were in trouble either. I knew it was up to me to save us both or we would both drown.

I began to realize that I was losing my strength, was becoming extremely exhausted and we were both going to be in trouble. So, I stopped again to try to get someones attention on the shore, but no one even noticed. I was getting scare myself and wanted to let someone know that we were going to drown right there. I grabbed onto Brandon and tried to keep him by my side. I was too tired to go any further and I was hoping that someone would see us. I looked back, saw a wave coming which broke right on top of us, breaking my grip that I had on Brandon and I lost him. I looked around and he began to yell again for help. I knew that there wasn't anything that I could do because I was exhausted, I knew that I was going to drown but I had already decided that I wasn't going to leave him by himself out there and I would drown with him. Regardless of the many problems that we had over the past 10 years, he was still MY son and I would die with him rather than come out alone without him. I had hoped that we would be side by side because we were too tired to swim anymore but that is when the wave hit us, separated us and I went under. I remember the sand and water around my face like I was on the bottom of the ocean. I knew in my mind that it was over...this was the end and I was going to die. When I could get my eyes open...I was on my knees in shallow water with my head up out of the water, close to the shore and Brandon was walking toward me.

The view that Brandon told me at that time of what happened. He recalled the same thing that Roger has just told expect for how he got on the shore. He knew that they were both going to drown and no one would see them. After they were separated, Brandon said he was too tired to try anymore to get to shore...so, just as another wave crashed down on top of him... Brandon said that he prayed "Lord, don't let us die, help us"...he went under, he felt a huge push, that propelled him forward with a great thrust, he felt the sand scrape his stomach, looked up and he was on the shore.

Roger said that he had tried to do everything that he could to save them both, not to drown in the ocean, he used all the knowledge that he had to try and get them out, used all his physical strength but the one thing that he never did was stop and ask God to save them. He said that he was trying frantically to save them but he was trying to do it on his own...not with God's help. He said that all his life he has prayed for God to help him, protect him and his family but when the crisis hit...life or death...he leaned on his own ability to save them...not on God. It was Brandon who in time of need, knowing he was about to die...cried out to God to save them. God hear the cries of my 15 year old son and saved them both. I have never experienced such a helpless feeling in all my life...but I knew then and I still know now that when I feel helpless in my God...I'm not hopeless. Thank you, Jesus!

My story: I got the sand washed off of Roger and to the heated indoor pool where I put him the the hot tub. I sat there pouring hot water over his body while he cried...out of fear, relief, disbelief and raw emotion at how close he came to letting Brandon drown and dying himself. We stayed in the hot tub for a long time and finally Brandon, Nanny and Tyler came inside as well.

My mother and Tyler never knew anything was wrong until she saw both of them laying on the edge of the shoreline, exhausted and a big distance between where Brandon came out and where Roger came out. Brandon was closer to where she was and Roger was on down the beach. Brandon seemed to be perfectly fine, not cold but still in a little shock due to the events that he and his Dad had just survived.

Roger kept telling Brandon that he was so sorry that he could not save them both. That is when Brandon told us that he knew that they were both going to drown if they went under one more time. He said that all he knew to do then was to pray that God would get them out of this mess and save them. He just kept saying that it was the weirdest thing how he prayed, went under, felt propelled forward and the next thing he knew...he was able to stand up on the shore and start walking, looking for his Dad.

It wasn't until after we got back upstairs and I went to take a hot shower that I fell to pieces...just knowing how close I came to losing my husband and my son...when it should have been just another day at the beach. I began to cry and thank God for His mercy and grace once again in our lives. I wept so hard and for so long out of shock and out of joy. God is so good!!!! I am so thankful that God promises in His Word over and over again that He is there for us and all we have to do is call on Him.

We heard on the news that night that a father in his 30's had gotten caught in the riptide about 30 miles from where we were and drown. That weekend alone...there were 3 deaths due to the riptide and thank God...my 2 didn't make it 5. There was a strong storm brewing, the water was unusually rough with "high" waves more so than normal and I guess, we should have known better...live and learn. I can promise you that we now know all the facts about riptides and how to escape them...physically, and not just by praying. Praying is the most important but God wants us to use common sense, be aware of our surroundings and always be as prepared as possible....He will take care of the rest.

Did my family deserve to live another day, another week, another month or another year? No...no more than any other family, but God chose to save them through His mercy and grace. I know without a doubt that God wasn't finished with either one of them and still isnt' or Brandon wouldn't have lived through his car wreck on April 12th, 2008. My prayer is that we all see our potential through God's eyes, our purpose through God's eyes, our value through God's eyes and NEVER let our pain or life's lessons be in vain but that we would seek God to find out exactly what He is trying to tell us....Through The Storms Of Life.

Psalm 46:1 (KJV)
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Psalm 34:17 (Message)
Is anyone crying for help? God is listening and ready to rescue you.

Isaiah 43:2 (Message)
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end--

(NIV) When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

Romans 8:38, 39 (Message)
I'm absolutely convinced that nothing--nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, (39) high or low, thinkable or unthinkable--absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

Isaiah 41:10 (Message)
Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.

(NIV) So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Teenagers...Round 2

Now that Tyler is officially a teenager...almost 14 now...things have definitely been different this time around. Who or what do we give the credit to...different genes because of a different father, different situation (both parents living in one house), both parents loving him, teaching him, being there for him, supporting him and praying over him? Maybe all the above. We tried to do the same thing with Brandon but there were things that were out of our control as you have already read about...but, the love for Brandon is the same love that we have for Tyler, Sommer and Ryan.

This is actually round #4 with the exception that the girls lived with their mother during the teenage years. Ryan moved in with us at the beginning of her senior year and what a blessing she was to have around. I wouldn't trade those days for anything in this world. Brandon and Tyler both loved having their big sister living with them and we did too.

I believe in the following creed that states that children really do learn what they live...

Children Learn What They Live

If a Child lives with Criticism, He learns to Condemn.
If a Child lives with Praise, He learns to Appreciate.
If a Child lives with Hostility, He learns to Fight.
If a Child lives with Tolerance, He learns to be Patient.
If a Child lives with Ridicule, He learns to be Shy.
If a Child lives with Encouragement, He learns Confidence.
If a Child lives with Shame, He learns to feel Guilty.
If a Child lives with Approval, He learns to like Himself.
If a Child lives with Fairness, He learns Justice.
If a Child lives with Security, He learns to have Faith.
If a Child lives withAcceptance and Friendship, He learns to find love in the World.

I believe that our children do learn what they live. However, does that mean that if we teach our children to be positive that they will never be negative, does it mean that if we teach our children to have morals and values that they will never make choices that are not morally right? No, because the Word of God states that we are all sinners with a sinful nature. We are not perfect adults, we are not perfect parents and we do not have perfect children.

Romans 3:23
For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

The silver lining to that verse is that the Word of God says that we are to train up our children in the way that they will go and when they are old...they will not depart from it. I am hanging on to that scripture for dear life right now for my children. Each one of our children have been brought up to believe, serve, fear and love the Lord. They have been taught right from wrong, good choices from bad choices, morals, values, to believe in theirselves, to love theirselves, to be the best that they can be and we will love them no matter what.

Proverbs 22:6
Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

Tyler has just entered the beginning of the teenage years. Right now, he is loving, sweet, considerate of others, cares about what his dad and I think, makes A & B while taking advanced classes in the 8th grade. I am saying that he is perfect...absolutely not! He gets an attitude, has a smart mouth from time to time, gives those dirty looks and rolls his eyes when he gets told things that he doesn't want to hear. He is still easily corrected, disciplined and very forgiving, loving and easy going child. I know that there are rough years ahead even for the easiest going children but that too shall pass.

We love our children for who they are and we are very proud of each one of them as individuals. They are each completely different from each other in many ways but yet share some of the same amazing qualities...regardless of who is who's parents.

If you have a teenager and are struggling to survive this stage of life called the teenage years...well...this too shall pass! If they are too far out of your control or getting close...seek help because these years are very important in the development in who they will turn out to be as a young adult woman or young adult man. We owe it to our children to do the very best that we can in giving them all the support, love, understanding, guidance, training but more importantly...BOUNDARIES..certainly not what money can buy in material things.

Teenagers

Teenagers! Where do I start on this subject? My, oh my...that was a roller coaster ride time in our lives.

Brandon was definitely a handful as a teenager. The emotions and hormones were running rampant during that time plus all the damage that his father had already done to him mentally and emotionally.

There weren't too many days that went by that the fireworks didn't go off at our house for one reason or another. The tension ran very high from day to day depending on the subject at hand.

The rebellion and anger grew more and more with each fight. Roger and Brandon didn't get along the majority of the time and that put a strain on my emotional and mental state plus my marriage. There were many times that I wanted to put my son out in the street and there were times that I wanted to put my husband out in the street. Not to mention, all the times that I wanted to run away from home alone!!!

Roger and I nearly divorced several times during the teenage years...more so than all the other years combined. I just go so tired of the fighting...all the time. There were times when I would tell Roger...don't make me choose between you and my son because you will lose everytime. I told him that God gave Brandon to me to raise and he came before my happiness or marriage. I don't know if I was right in my way of thinking all the time but he was my son and what kind of life would he have or what kind of man would he turn out to be if I sent him to live with his daddy.

It seemed that nothing ever made Brandon happy and he was determined to do things his way, on his terms and it seems like he chose to do anything that went against what we wanted him to do...90% of the time. He would suffer the consequences and he would adapt to any punishment that you gave him in order for him to do things his way. Rebellion...seems like an understatement during those times. Bull-headed, stubborn and strong willed were accurate descriptions of Brandon during those times. I told him that those things weren't bad if he would only channel them in the right way...if he put as much energy into setting his mind to achieving productive goals in his life as he did into trying to make my marriage miserable...he would be President of the United States right now! Brandon admitted to both of us in the past two years that his goal was to break up my marriage to Roger and have me to himself again. He nearly succeeded many times. Regardless of how angry and hurt we were...we NEVER stopped loving him...no matter how hard he pushed us both away...we NEVER stopped being there for him. Yes, we have exercised "Tough Love" so much over the past 4-5 years that it has hurt me so bad to say "no"...learn from your mistakes.

When Brandon turned 16 years old, things had gotten pretty explosive many times but we kept pushing forward. We tried to set boundaries and get by everyday without too many explosions.

I went to New Mexico with a friend of mine for some girl time and while I was gone...all manner of crud broke loose. I got a telephone call the day before I was set to come home from Roger telling me that Brandon left and his daddy picked him up. They had an arguement and I don't even know what it was about anymore but it became explosive. There was two different stories as to what happened that night. He went next door to the neighbors, asked to use their phone, called his daddy and had him come pick him up. Brandon moved out and when I finally got him on the telephone...he told me that he was leaving and I couldn't make him come home. My immediate reaction was..."watch me!", "oh, yes, I can" and "I have full custody and I can make you do whatever I tell you to do!". I was so angry with Brandon and Roger too. I leave for a mini vacation once in our marriage and actually, once in my life for some girl time and they couldn't get along for four days. I was furious!

By the time that I got home, I had calmed down and decided to let him live with his daddy rather than making our lives even more miserable by forcing him to come home. I decided to just back off. Our lives...mine, Roger and Tyler's settled down for once in a very long time. Don't get me wrong...I loved Brandon then with all my heart and I love him today with all my heart but that didn't always make our lives a bed of roses.

It was one of the hardest decisions that I had to make during his 18 years of life with me. I wanted to control the situation, him and I wanted to make everyone happy...I wanted to fix it. This was one of many things that I had to resign myself to that I couldn't fix the situation nor could I fix him. It was bittersweet during that time...there was peace in my home but turmoil in my heart. I knew that his daddy would let him go to places that he didn't need to be, go with people that he didn't need to be with and get into things that he didn't need to be into...just to get him out of his hair. He hadn't ever been a daddy to Brandon and I knew that he was not about to start then.

I decided to go to our juvenile court and enter Brandon into a program...FIN...Family In Need program. He was assigned a juvenile officer and caseworker. She was appointed as his counselor, caseworker and supervisor. He was told that he had to see her once a month, stay within the rules set by the court or he would be sent to juvenile hall or boot camp. This worked for a short time but even with any good program...it had it problems too. I knew in my heart that Brandon would eventually see his father for what he really was and come home. Which he did...about a year after he left.

Next Entry: Brandon's Return and His Exit Again

More Scares With Our Baby

I got to see my baby for just a minute right after he was born, then he was whisked off to the nursery and to see his awaiting family.

When I gave birth to Brandon eight years before, I was left alone in surgery while my best friend went with Brandon to see his daddy and family. I hated the feeling of being all alone while they were closing my incision. The doctor and nurses were talking to each other and no one was talking to me. I was scared and all alone.

Tyler knew his father's touch because he was screaming up a storm when his pediatrician was checking him over right after his birth. Roger reached over and started rubbing his little leg and talking to him...he stopped crying immediately.

I had told Roger this during my pregnancy and he remembered that while I was in surgery this time delivering Tyler. So, when Esther, my nurse got ready to take Tyler to the nursery...Roger told her that he was going to stay with me when she took Tyler to meet his new family. He did just that. Esther took care of the pictures, video and seeing that Tyler met his new family. She saw to it that everything got photographed and recorded for us. He was the hairiest baby that I have ever seen...plus had long sideburns that looked like Elvis.

That night after surgery, I spiked a fever of 104 and was in a great deal of pain, therefore, I was given some pain medicine and slept. Due to the fever that I was running, I was not allowed to see my baby that night or the next day. Roger would go back and forth between my room and the nursery to check on Tyler. He was allowed to just walk into the nursery to see when whenever he wanted to.

In the wee hours of Friday morning while I was going from being alert to sound asleep, Roger went to check on Tyler. When he approached the nursery window, he was his doctor and nurse surrounding him and it appeared that something was wrong. He rushed into the nursery to see what was wrong. They told him that Tyler's limbs were turning blue and he had spiked a fever as well. They began drawing blood on Tyler and trying to figure out what was wrong with him. His doctor said that his blood cultures would not be back for several days but he thought he knew what was wrong and would treat him likewise. He said that he felt that Tyler had Group B Strep and could be fatal if not treated appropriately. He immediately began Tyler on antibiotics that night.

Tyler was finally allowed to come to my room on Saturday morning before he had his nursery picture made. I dressed him in his University of South Carolina Gamecock onesie. I went to the nursery with Tyler for his pictures but he slept through the whole thing. So, his pictures are with him sound asleep. He was a beautiful baby and had a head full of black hair. He looked perfect and was absolutely gorgeous!

After his pictures were made, he went back to my room again. We loved spending time with him, holding him, loving on him, kissing him and just watching him! Our family and friends also came by to see Tyler and we made tons of pictures. Finally, things seemed to be moving in the right direction to spending time with our baby and getting to take him home with us.

On Sunday morning, Tyler's doctor came into see us and explained his findings. His condition was not improving in the manner that he had hoped for and he was not going to wait on the blood cultures to come back before starting an IV with stronger antibiotics in them. Tyler was in our room for a short while when the nurse came to take him back to the nursery because his doctor had ordered a spinal tap on him to rule out meningitis. I was sick to my stomach and just began crying thinking about what my baby was going to endure with the spinal tap. I had been present when my stepdaughter had a spinal tap years before and the pain that she endured was terrible.

I immediately began calling the church and Pastor Helms because we needed as many people praying for our baby as possible. We were able to get a message to Pastor Helms right before church started that morning.

When they were finished doing his spinal tap, they brought him back to us in my room. His doctor told us that he also heard a heart murmur that morning and had called for a pediatric cardiologist that will see Tyler on Monday morning. I just sat and held my baby tight and cried. I was so scared. I cried and cried! I prayed and prayed over my baby.

Dr. Westbrook allowed me to stay all day on Sunday to spend as much time with Tyler as I could but I had to be out of my room before midnight. We left the hospital around 7 o'clock going home empty handed. That is a terrible feeling to leave the hospital without your baby, but I had the assurance that my baby would be coming home in a couple of days.

Roger had a huge stork put in our yard announcing the birth of our baby boy. They made pictures of me and some of both of us...empty handed by the stork. My first night at home was very lonely because Brandon was at my mother's and Tyler was still in the hospital.

Monday, I got up and got ready for my friend's daughter to drive me to the hospital to see Tyler. The nurses in the nursery had made a picture of Brandon when he came to see his little brother on Saturday and put it in his crib saying...Meet My Brother.

The cardiologist came to see Tyler that morning and said that his heart murmur was completely gone and there was no reason for her to see him again. Praise The Lord!!!!!!

Sommer and Ryan had been in South Carolina and hadn't met their baby brother yet. Their mother and grandmother brought them to the hospital that afternoon to see Tyler for the first time. The nurses took the rocker into a supply room so that everyone could spend time with Tyler and no one would be excluded..including Roger's ex-wife and his former mother-in-law. Everyone was sweet and excited about our new arrival....they were all happy for us. Our relationship with his ex-wife was completely opposite from the one with my ex-husband. We made lots of pictures of this milestone too. They put a picture of Tyler's sister's in his crib as well saying....Meet My Sisters. How sweet is that? We thought it was great!

Finally, on Thursday...Tyler's actual due date, July 21st, he was discharged from the hospital. We spoke with his pediatrician who said that Tyler's blood cultures came back and were positive for Group B Strep. He was glad and we were very thankful that he took the initiative to start the antibiotics nearly a week earlier. They suspected that I was a carried of Group B Strep with no symptoms...Dr. Westbrook had treated me as well in the hospital for this condition.

We dressed Tyler in the St. Maarten onesie that we bought before we knew that we were pregnant...we thought it was very fitting for the celebration of his homecoming. Tyler would have a home health nurse come to the house once a day for 3 more days to administer his antibiotics. That was very hard to watch then stick those needles in his tiny little legs. I would home to dread that time of day for 3 long days but my baby would finally at home with us where he belongs.

Finally, home at last!!!! God is so good and He had His hand on Tyler and us the entire time. He knew what was going to happen and what we would be in need of...Dr. Westbrook, Tyler's pediatrician and his awesome nursing staff who watched Tyler very closely during his stay. They loved him and he was already spoiled before we got him home. I believe God orchestrated everyone who took part in my care and in Tyler's care the entire time we were in the hospital. We could not have gotten any better care than what we did there. God has truly blessed our family again!!!!

Pictures of our precious little man and his family who loves him very much.

Special Delivery...July 14th, 1994

Dr. Westbrook decided on Tuesday, July 12th that I was a good candidate for an induction and it was scheduled for 5:30 AM on July 14th, 1994.

I did not get much sleep the night before my induction and I had to get up at 3 AM to be showered, dressed and ready to leave for the hospital by 4 AM the next morning. I got up, took my shower, put my make-up on, fixed my hair and got dressed...then I straighten up the house and made the bed. I wanted to look my best when I saw my new son for the first time and no one ever gets to see me without my make-up...if I can help it. Roger is videoing me and acting like he was interviewing me the entire time. If it had not been such an exciting time...I might have killed him before the day was over...but it was comical to say the least.

We left for the hospital and my nerves set in...oh, dear...this is really about to happen!!!!! Oh, God...help me!!!! I was an excited, nervous wreck!!!

We get to the hospital, do all the paper work, get in my "cute" little hospital gown, go through all the other "fun" stuff that we have to go through and then I was hooked up to the "pit" drip...Pitocin...medicine used to induce labor.

All the while, Roger is interviewing me every 15 - 30 minutes. We laughed about it while he was doing it. We stayed at the hospital alone until we knew that Dr. Westbrook was going to keep me. Around 9 AM, he came in to see me, see if I was dilated and then he broke my water. He looked at me and said "well, I guess we are staying, huh?" Then I got excited because I knew that I was not going to get sent home and Dr. Westbrook was going to be delivering my baby. Our office was in the professional building adjacent to the hospital and actually on the same floor...so I was happy knowing that he could be there in a matter of minutes if they needed him.

After we had been there for awhile, we called my friend (matron of honor at wedding) to come on to the hospital because we were in for the long haul...an all day and probably all night ordeal. She came and brought her teenage daughter...they stayed with us the entire time. The girls from the office came down during lunch to check on me, which...all the visitors...kept my mind off the pain...for the most part. My mother was keeping Brandon at her house and waiting for me to get closer to time to deliver before making the 45 minute trip to the hospital.

It was early afternoon when the labor pains got more intense and I decided that I did not want to go all natural. They gave me some pain medicine in my IV until I dilated enough to get my epidural. That time could not come fast enough!!! Roger and my friend both said..."well, are you fulfilled yet?" and I said "oh, yes!"...talking about wanting to experience labor.I finally reached that magical number....3 cm dilated!!! Epi...Epi...oh, yes....Epidural!!!! It was not as bad as I had been told it would be but sitting still up on the side of the bed during contractions is not the easiest thing to do. However, it did not take my anesthesiologist very long and he was finished and I was relieved of my pain. Now, I could enjoy visiting with my friends...at last.

Have I told you just how good God is? Well, He is awesome and knew everything that was going to happen that day...even before, I was born...not to mention long before you were born, my precious little Tyler! How awesome is that? I know how amazing God has always been in my life and He has never stopped amazing me to this day.

Before I knew it, the work day was over and Dr. Westbrook was in to see me. I had been there since 5:30 AM and it was now 5:30 PM and I had finally made it to 6 cm! Yeah! He said that it would be in the wee hours of the morning before we would be bringing our precious new baby boy, Tyler into this world. I was ready to see his sweet, beautiful face.

It was not too long after all that...my epidural was not working right....I had a "hot spot"...meaning that I had a place about the size of a grapefruit in my lower right abdomen that had all the feeling in it...I felt every contraction in that one spot while everything else was numb. I told my nurse and she notified the anesthesiologist of the minor problem. He came in and upped my dose that I was getting...the problem was solved.

However, we had been watching the monitors all day...helped to pass the time. We watched the contractions on the monitor because I could not feel them and watched his heart rate. It was 7 PM by now and it was shift change time. My day nurse was going off and the night nurse was coming on...they were standing inside my room...one was giving the other the update on my progress. Within 5 minutes of having my epidural doses upped...Tyler's heart rate dropped from 138 to the 36. My nurse rushed over to put the oxygen mask on me and sent for Dr. Westbrook, who came in to see what was going on. He checked me again and told me that the internal electrode had come off of Tyler's scalp and he reattached it. It was 7 PM and I was dilated to 7 cm. Dr. Westbrook said that we were in for a long night and we would proceed as planned. He joked with me to behave myself and do not do that again...like I could have helped it.

An hour later, my epidural was doing strange things again....this time...the only place that was numb was my butt! I had all the feeling in every place except my fanny. We told the nurse again and she called the anesthesiologist again. This time when he came back...he gave me a direct dose into the catheter that went directly into my spinal area. Again, within 5 minutes of him doing this and leaving...Tyler's heart rate shot up to 197 and Dr. Westbrook was standing at the foot of my bed again within a few seconds. He had been sitting at the nurse's station watching the monitor. He had me turn onto my left side and keep the oxygen mask on my face. Within a few minutes, Tyler's heart rate had settled back down. It was now 8 PM and I had dilated to 8 cm...1 cm per hour was how I was progressing...but things were still not working in our favor to have a vaginal delivery. Dr. Westbrook began to discuss me having another C-Section and said "I know you do not want another one but we have to think about what is best for you and the baby, but we will proceed on as planned for now and if we have to perform one then we will at that time." He wanted to make sure that we knew the seriousness of the situation and if the need arose again...the need for an emergency C-Section.

Now, I know you can only imagine the anxiety that I was feeling at this time. I kept telling myself to remain calm because if I got upset...then it would affect Tyler's heart rate again. Once again, Dr. Westbrook check me and I was now dilated to 8 cm. I was happy with that because I knew that I only had to make it to 10 cm and I could start to push and get this over with. I was really, really scared. Oh, my goodness...I wanted to cry so bad...it was a major fight within me to keep my emotions under control.

I waited until Dr. Westbrook left the room and I had my friend make some phone calls for me because I knew that I wanted everyone there when Tyler was born. My friends...Glenda, Wendy, Stacey, my mother and Brandon would be there soon. But I was really scared about what all was going on with my baby.

I asked Roger to call Pastor Helms (our pastor at that time and our good friends) so he could start praying. All Roger got was his answering machine at home...so he left a message.

Then, my best friend, Tamara, who was there with me in the delivery room with Brandon called to check on me. Roger had his back turned toward me while he was talking to her. I am not sure now what I was trying to tell him to tell Tamara but when I called his name, he turned to face me and he was crying....I LOST IT! He was as scared as I was but neither of us wanted to let the other one see it because we did not want to upset the other. I immediately became hysterical and started crying...the flood gates burst open.

My blood pressure shot up and Dr. Westbrook was back in my room immediately. He said that it was time to do the C-Section before we end up in an emergency situation. Roger told Dr. Westbrook..."please, don't let my wife die" and he began to cry again. I was already crying and I told Dr. Westbrook "please, don't let my baby die". He assured us that it was not an emergency situation yet but he thought it was time. I no longer care how they got Tyler into this world...I just wanted him here....NOW!!!! I had been fulfilled and then some.

Roger called Sharron, Dr. Westbrook's nurse to update her on the situation. I had worked with Sharron for years and we were good friends. She assisted Dr. Westbrook on scheduled surgeries but she did not come in on any emergencies or during the night surgeries...but she called Dr. Westbrook herself and told him to not start without her...she was on her way. Sharron lived 30 miles away and it had started pouring down rain, but she came with her teenage daughter in tow to be with me and assist with Tyler's birth.

God knew that I needed everyone that I had there with me that night and He made a way. Sharron arrived at the hospital before the on call surgical nurse could get there and she lived closer than Sharron.

They had started moving me on my bed to the delivery surgical suite to bring my precious new baby boy into this world. I had been hoping that Pastor Helms was there with us before I went into surgery but Roger had to leave a message for him. They were just about to push my bed out of the doorway when Pastor Helms and Karen stepped in the door. He immediately asked if he could pray with me before they took me into surgery and they stopped, he prayed right in the hall and "all was well again". He also brought Tyler a teddy bear that had a red heart that said "Jesus Loves Me" on it.

At 9:41 PM on 7/14/94, our precious baby boy, Austin Tyler W. entered into this world. He weighed 8 lbs. 11 oz. and was 20 inches long. Brandon weighed 8 lbs. 10 1/2 oz. and was 21 inches long.

Jermiah 1:5
"Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you. Before you saw the light of day, I had holy plans for you: A prophet to the nations-- that's what I had in mind for you." (The Message)

Psalms 127:3
Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him. (NIV)

The pictures to help tell our precious story of God's grace, faithfulness, mercy and protection.

The Pregnancy

I am constantly amazed at how God knows what we will need long before we do. He sees over the hills and around the curves...He has been in the our yesterdays, our todays and already in our tomorrows! This time of my life as no different. I had worked for Dr. Westbrook since 1985, but had not used him as my doctor in a number of years. Instead, I started seeing his partner right after I took the insurance position in his office. Our working relationship had not always been the best as we were both very strong willed, bull headed and very driven...ok...stubborn. He could sometimes be very overbearing, demanding and hard to work for. When I quit my job in 1992 after Roger and I got married, we did not like each other very much but still had a great deal of respect for each other. I went back to work for him filling in from time to time when someone was on vacation or when they were shorthanded...those times would range from a week to several months and end the end...I was back to full time before he retired in September 2001.

I guess that since I did not have to have the job and he did not have to have me working for him again...we had a new found, great deal of respect and an awesome working relationship. We finally got along perfectly...I guess...we needed each other in a different way. However, when I decided to get pregnant with Tyler....he and his partner had gone different ways years before and I continued to see his former partner, but I knew that as a former employee that Dr. Westbrook would see me for only what my insurance would pay him. So...I decided to return to his care and use him as my OB/GYN again. He was a great doctor, very gentle, kind and I trusted him fully.

My pregnancy with Tyler was totally uneventful except for the fact that I had "all day sickness" for about 5 months. It was a very exciting time for all of us as a family. Roger's girls were excited and watched my belly grow...and did it ever grow!!! I loved being pregnant and had said many times that I would carry the baby and let someone else raise them. Brandon also had a new and different excitement about him knowing that he was going to be a big brother. Brandon would be 8, Sommer would be 16 and Ryan would be 14 when Tyler was born.

My pregnancy with Brandon was pretty much exactly the same as with Tyler. As any new pregnant mother...you have your dreams of what you want you pregnancy and delivery to be like. I wanted to take childbirth classes, have my husband in the delivery room and have a normal, natural delivery. Well, with Brandon that was not the case....I took childbirth classes with my best friend, my best friend was in the delivery room, Brandon was breech and I never felt the first labor pain and ended up with a C-Section delivery. I felt immediately like a failure after I gave birth to Brandon because I felt robbed of that joy, experience that comes with labor and delivery plus, having my husband playing a vital role in my pregnancy and delivery.

When I got pregnant with Tyler, Roger knew how much all of the things that I just mentioned meant to me and he did everything that he could to see that I lived my dreams out to the fullest.

We did not take childbirth classes this time but I knew that a team of wild horses would not be able to drag him out of the delivery room. The exciting part for me was that they had started doing the VBAC delivery (vaginal birth after Cesarean)...if you had the type incision that would allow you to go into active labor...which I did. Dr. Westbrook also knew how much it meant to be to VBAC with Tyler and he did not see any reason why I could not try.

God was allowing me to live out another dream that I had been robbed of during my first marriage, pregnancy and delivery. God is so good and He cares so much about the small things that make us happy, as well as, the big things.

Roger and I talked about whether we wanted a boy or girl...which did not matter as long as he was healthy, but I really wanted to him Roger a son since he already had two precious daughters. We found at when I was 16 weeks pregnant that...I was having a boy!!!! Austin Tyler would be his name.

My due date was July 21st, 1994 and Dr. Westbrook was scheduled to be on vacation during that week. I was sick thinking that he would not be on call to deliver my baby and care for me...so I started talking, begging and seeing what I could work out. He promised me that if he thought that I was "ripe" and ready to deliver then he would induce me the week before my due date so that he would be there with me.

Stay tune for the events of Tyler's birth!

Very Successful Trip...Mommy On Board

Like I said in the previous entry, our luggage got delayed on another flight when we left Memphis on October 31st. We had to take a different airline because our actual flight that was supposed to pick us up had mechanical problems and we were put on a different airline to stay on schedule. However, our luggage had already been check on the previous airline. It was 24 hours later before our luggage arrived in St. Maarten. We were stuck there without a toothbrush, hairbrush, hairdryer, clothes...we didn't pack any in our carry on bag (never made that mistake again).

We went sightseeing as bad as we looked the next day in hopes of finding shorts and t-shirts because it was in the upper 90's there. We found a souvenir shop on the island close to our resort, went inside to look around. The clerk acted very nervous and finally told us that we had to hurry up and leave the shop because the government was forcing them to all close. We asked her what was going on because we noticed that most restaurants were already closed. She explained that a high government official had been imprisoned and they were on strike until his release. We thought "great, we finally get to take a trip like this and everything is going to be close". We asked her how long this could take and she told us that they hoped by the next day or two. Thank goodness by the next day, Tuesday, everything was open again and the official had been released from custody. Yeah!

We enjoyed going to all the different beaches on both the Dutch side and the French side. Part of the island is owned by the Dutch and the other side is owned by the French, therefore, each side is spelled differently...Dutch side is spelled St. Maarten and the French side is spelled St. Martin.

We went by boat to a small island named Gilligan's Island to snorkel and to eat at a local restaurant named Roy's Place. It was the most beautiful waters that I have ever seen...deep, dark blue...not the "lake" green that we normally see on the Gulf of Mexico. Oh, the beauty of the ocean...the bright, vibrant colors from the fish to the amazing coral reef. When you see God's creations up close, how can anyone ever question that He is God?

We had a great time...we laughed, we played, we acted crazy (get Roger & my brother together...that means "up to no good") and we just had fun. We agreed what happened in St. Maarten...stayed in St. Maarten :) just kidding! Since my hair was long, I wanted to get "native" braids put in. I had so many braids in my hair and my scalp was sore the next day. I will never forget the look on my mother's face when we go off the airplane back in Memphis. Here I was with a very dark tan and my hair "platted" with white beads on the end of each braid. I could only wish that I looked as good as Bo Derek did in "10". But...it never hurts a girl to wish, now does it? I still have all those beads in my jewelry box....just for the memories.

Colossians 1:16 For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on the earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him.

My brother and sister-in-law stayed at a different resort from us and we had to take a ferry back and forth across the water to see each other. This was a perfect set up, even though, we had reservations at the same resort, they were still owned by the same company. This way...we were together but yet apart...we had our alone time as well.

Regardless of what we did or where we went, I was praying that I would get pregnant on this wonderful trip. I kept telling Roger...."wouldn't that be awesome to get pregnant in the Caribbean".

The trip went by so fast and we had a great time, but yet, I was anxious to get home so I could get a pregnancy test done. Since I had worked for my OB/GYN for 10 years, I knew that you didn't have to wait until you were late to find out if you were pregnant. I waited until I would have been 10 days post conception (at best...it could have been less depending on the day) and then I rushed to our office. Hearing the words...You Are Pregnant...was joyous!!!!!

All in all, it was a very successful trip because I went down there not pregnant and came back home as Mommy on Board the airplane.

I can't begin to tell you how good God is and how He knows what is best for us. There are many, many times that His time is not our time but when the two coincide...what joy and celebration there is. Roger was on top of the world that day! Sommer, Ryan and Brandon were all very excited as well. Now...9 months will be long especially since I found out that we were going to have a baby as early as I did.

Next Entry: Special Delivery