The Pain of a Mother's Breaking Heart

There is no greater pain to me as a mother than to feel rejected and unloved by your child. I know that I have made so many mistakes in raising my children but you always want your child to love you. You don't have to always agree or see eye to eye but you want to love and respect each other.

By the time that my son left home two weeks before graduation...I was angry. He was "acting out" and "rebelling" against everything that we tried to stand for...he wouldn't have nothing to do with it or us...at that point. There was very little communication between us during those last two weeks before he graduated from high school.

He and I are so much alike...maybe that is why we would butt heads as often as we did. I am very independent...so much so that my mom tells me that when I was just a "tot"...I didn't know who to tie my own shoes but I would refuse to let anyone tie them for me cause I would say "me do it myself". Brandon is just as bad as I am in that area. Plus, we don't like to be told that we "can't" do something or that we're not going to do something!

He had a drama skit thing a couple of nights before graduation...I found out about it the day of and made sure that I was there to support my son...regardless of the "feelings" between us at the moment. He was my son, I loved him and it was his senior year...how could I miss anything that he did? I couldn't. I got there and waited for their skit, they performed and during their break...he came over to my table to thank me for coming.

Boy, was I in for a shock....his hair had been dyed...fire engine red...or better yet...Patriot...red! It was 2 days before graduation!!!! I was about to die! I asked him what on earth he was thinking...he said...well, I always wanted to see what it would look like red...but this wasn't exactly what I meant. Yeah, right! I think it was more like...can I shock her anymore? Can I get another jab in on her? Can I make her any madder at me? I wanted to stangle him!!!!

Needless to say, I told him that it had better not be that same color graduation night! Ok, so I was a little irritated...ok....I was pretty ticked off!

Thank goodness...graduation night...it was not that color and I was happy about that. I was very proud of him and honored to be apart of his graduation celebration. We were all there...me, Roger, Tyler, his Nanny, his father and his little sister.

After graduation, things went down hill from there. He stayed with those same friends for a few weeks, moved in with another friend, moved to Memphis, changed apartments several times over the next couple of months, needed money to pay his rent (I said "no"...so hard as a mother to do), didn't have much communication with his through summer and the fall, he didn't show up for Christmas (said he was sick and didn't have a ride...he didn't ask me to come pick him up...which I would) and we had it out. I told him how I felt about him not coming for Christmas, not calling, being selfish, irresponsible...I was hurt and angry. This was the first Christmas in 18 years that I had not spent it with my son. He was on his own and he didn't have to take anything off me anymore...or that is what he thought...not much respect at this point...he told me what he thought of me and Roger.

He needed my help about 3 weeks later...he was in a very bad situation. I had to check my spirit and make sure that I said "no" for the right reason..."Tough Love" rather than anger or revenge. That was absolutely one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do...I felt like I turned my back on my son. In a way...I did for his own good...not out of anger or bitterness though.

Then the pain of a breaking mother's heart began...he disappeared. I didn't have anyway to contact him...no cell phone, no internet access, didn't know any of his friends...nothing. I went from February until July 14th...not knowing where my son was...if he was dead, alive, injured, in the hospital, in jail, homeless, hungry...nothing. I had no idea where to even look. That was absolutely the sickest feeling that I personally have ever felt.

I knew that he was not doing things the way that I know was pleasing to God or pleasing to me...but he was learning life's lessons...one by one. Brandon is so strong willed and driven...he has to learn the hard way...he has never been able to learn from someone else's mistakes...he has to suffer the pain to learn that something is not right or he is able to pat himself on the back when it was the right thing to do. I have to give him credit...he has made it own his own for 4 years. He is a very determined and resourceful young man!

All I could do was to pray and pray. I would plead the Blood of Jesus over him each day, prayed that he would hear when he was awake, asleep, working, playing...everything that he ever learned in Sunday School, church, youth, church camp...how much God loved him and died for him...plus, he could not get my voice out of his head. I prayed that he would remember the good times, the quality family time we spent together as a family, the love that we showed him, the words...I Love You!...would ring in his head and ears...day and night. I prayed that God would bring healing to his emotions...heal the hurts from the past...caused by his father, me, Roger...anything that made him feel less than special and geniuinely loved.

July 14th 2005...on Tyler's 11th birthday...his brother called to wish him a "Happy Birthday". I can't begin to tell you the joy that I felt knowing that he was alive and well. The relief that I felt just hearing his voice. My son...my first born...my precious son...who I love more than my own life was on the other end of the phone. I LOVE YOU, BRANDON!!!!!!!!!

He had lived all over...from Memphis to Atlanta, to Destin, to New Orleans, to Destin, to Mississippi and back to Atlanta. I could have not found him...even, if I had tried.

He told me that day that I was driving him crazy...that for months and months...he has not been able to shut me up...my voice had been ringing in his ears, in his head and even in his sleep. I told him that God answers prayers. He never lef him ott of His sight regardless of whether I knew where he was or not...God did. He watched over him, He protected him and He loved him.

I can honestly say..."Thank you, Jesus for your faithfulness and thank you that those days are behind us now". Things still aren't perfect or a well as I would like them to be...but I know where my son is and I can talk to him or at least...Instant Message him.

He had been back in Atlanta just a couple of weeks when he had his horrible car wreck...March '08...I just found out this afternoon that he was back in our state. He is now back to being just a hour from this mother who loves her son and wants the very, very best for him.

Brandon, I want you to know how much I love you. I am still praying for you and I will never stop. I will never give up on your and like I have told you all of your life...that if everyone on this earth turns their back on you...that if you feel like you are all alone...I will always be here...loving you...when you don't have anyone else on earth there for you...I will be.

Heavenly Father:
I thank you for the precious life that you entrusted me with 22 years ago. I know that I have not been the perfect mother, I have asked Brandon to forgive me for my shortcomings and repented for where I failed you as a mother. But you know, Lord...the one thing that I have never failed in is my love for Brandon.
Father, I thank you for your hand of protection that you have had on his life, as you have spared his life...not once but twice. Once in the ocean when he was so near death, but he cried out to you and you saved him and his dad. I know without a doubt that your hand of protection was on him that dreadful night in March...Your hand shielded him from death because Satan intended on taking his life that night.
Father, I thank you for the Blood of Jesus that had been prayed over Brandon so many times...Your Blood is what saved his life. I know that you have a special calling on Brandon's life and your have great and mighty things in store for him. He will be your voice to the lost and hurting young people of this world.
Father, I thank you that you knew Brandon before he was formed in my womb and you had a plan for him even then...that plan has not changed. I love you and I thank you for all that you have done for Brandon and will continue to do for him and through him.
In Jesus Name...Amen