Total Forgiveness VI: Pray For Blessings To Come To Those Who Hurt You?...You've Got To Be Kidding Me, Right?

There was some residual anger and hurts from toward my ex-husband and his mistress at the time…that I thought I had dealt with…but not completely. My anger had more to do with the way that he treated our son and my feelings toward him personally rather than toward her. She had always been good to Brandon...she loved him, treated him good and took care of him...way more than his own father did. I forgave her a long, long time ago but had trouble forgiving him because he didn't make any effort to change things. (He still hasn't to this day.) I know that I wasn't the perfect parent and I made lots of mistakes but I honestly blame him for the majority of Brandon's problems growing up. Issues that Brandon battles with today...have a lot to do with his father but he is grown now and he has to choose to let it control him or he can choose to control it.

During this time, we were in the middle of a lawsuit that I talked about previously and being that it was brought on my people that we had been friends and neighbors with for a couple of years...this added to the anger and unforgiveness. As I have mentioned in previous entries on this subject...I had been hurt, as well as, my family had been hurt by different ones over the course of my life and the life of my family members. However, this particular attack of the enemy on our lives by our former friends was one of the most hurtful events that I can recall and it was the one siutation that took the most to forgive and get past. I had already had some practice in the forgiving area but when God asked me to pray for them, ask Him to forgive them because I had already forgiven them...I said..."ok, I can do that"...THEN...he asked me to pray for them and ask Him to bless them, their family, their finances and their lives. I was screaming at this point..."Come on God, you have got to be kidding!...there is no way that I am going to pray that you bless these people who have personally attacked our family, our finances and our reputation...forget it!!!!". Well, thank God...He does not listen to us whine and complain but continues to push us, pull us, send people into our lives to encourage us to do the right thing and allows the Holy Spirit to continue to work on us from the inside until it becomes evident on the outside that we were obedient to God.

However, for me…the absolutely hardest part of the entire “Total Forgiveness” process was praying for them and asking God to bless them. During the sermon on “Blessing those who hurt us”…I walked out of church during the alter call. I just couldn’t do it. It made me angry all over again to think that God really wanted me to pray and believe Him to bless those who hurt me. Why? I battled with that for a couple of weeks and I finally agreed with Pastor Rusty that I would go through the motions, even though…I didn’t mean it. He kept telling me that if I was faithful and obedient in this area…God would do the rest. Because of the current situation…I agreed that every time I drove past their house (which was twice a day taking Tyler to school and picking him up) that I would pray the following: (ok...so, there were a couple of days that I took the long way home so that I didn't have to drive by their house...I just wasn't in the mood to pray for them that day...which is ok, God understood, was patient with me and loved me just the same:)

God, I forgive them for what they have done to my family and are still doing. I ask that you forgive them also. I also pray that you will bless their family…I called each of them by name…I asked God to bless their health, their home and their finances.

I said it through clenched teeth for the first couple of weeks but as I was faithful in my commitment to Pastor Rusty and God…it got easier and easier and then one day…I truly meant it. That is the day that I realized that I was no longer angry with these people or those from my past (who I had also been praying the same things over), I didn’t hate them anymore and truly didn’t want to see anything bad happen to any of them. You have to remember...we were still in an active lawsuit and it was still over a year before it would be completely resolved.

I began to feel more and more peace with each hurdle.

Only when I had given each and every hurt over to God and followed his steps to forgive…then and only then did the anger subside. I had a peace that I had not had in many, many years…I left no stone unturned, submitted myself to God and He took care of the rest. I have been at peace ever since.

Do I still get angry over things…absolutely…but I don’t hold on to them…I face them head on right then and there…I don’t ever want residual anger larking in my life again. Even the smallest amount gives Satan a foothold in our lives.

I had to face these issues head on, deal with the past hurts, forgive those who hurt me and my family and let it go.

Was it easy? NO!

Did it come naturally or quickly…for me? NO!

It is a process not an event.

Once I got through this part of the process by identifying the issues...God tells us to let it go, give it to Him and leave it there.

There is not quick or easy way to heal your hurts, forgive those who have hurt you, identify your deepest, darkest pain that is buried under years of denial...but it is one that can be achieved through Jesus Christ and following His steps...not yours!

Even then, it is not without pain...you have to open some old wounds before they can properly heal and that is not easy either.

The consequences of an Unforgiving Spirit are: R. T. Kendall… “Total Forgiveness”The Holy Spirit is grieved…this causes distortion in our thinking. An ungrieved Holy Spirit is what enables us to cope.You are left to yourself…A refusal to forgive means that God stands back and lets you cope with your problems in your own strength. We leave the door open for Satan to get in. He will take advantage of us if he can and we start trying to justify our anger and unforgiveness.

Total Forgiveness V: More Struggles With Unforgiveness

As Pastor Rusty and I began the process of digging deep into my past feelings, hurts, offenses and every corner of my mind…I was praying and asking God to reveal anything or anyone that I had hard feelings toward. At this point, I still didn’t consider any of this as unforgiveness. The Holy Spirit began revealing areas of my life that I had forgotten about or chose to forget. The pain and sorrow was enormous. The emotions were overwhelming and the pain ran very deep.

I discovered several childhood situations that had always caused me so much anger from the time these incidents occurred until I faced the anger and unforgiveness head on. It was very difficult for me to put these hurts behind me because they seemed to be continually linked to other events with a certain person in my family...I didn't see there ever being a healing in this relationship. However, never underestimate the healing power of God when you submit everything to Him. I put each of the incidents that occurred during my childhood with this person behind me, forgave them, dealt with my anger and let it go. I never confronted this person with the issues that I had with them because of who this person was and how they would have reacted...it would have just created more problems that I would have had to deal with. In this situation, it was the best thing for me to do.

I also realized that I was very angry, bitter, and felt a lot of hatred toward another member of my family because of things that were said to me, said to my husband, my children, the mistreatment of my children and many other personal family hurts that this person caused for me and each member of my immediate family. This one wasn't as easy to deal with. The person that I am talking about now had been very close to me prior to my marriage to my husband, Roger, plus she was very helpful to me during my disastrous first marriage, my divorce and the four years of being a single parent. We are more like best friends than family members.

Christmas was fast approaching and there was another situation that involved my family and this person. We managed to get through Christmas day at my mother's but what happened after I went home to our house was the final straw in our relationship.

I am not a controversial person nor do I like confrontation but I would rather avoid them and let it go. That is the one thing that got me into this mess.

I was informed of the events on Christmas night after we left my mother's and what she had to say about my family. It was a month later when I was told this and I was livid. I was so upset and knew that I had to confront her in some manner...once and for all. Because I was so angry, I chose to write her a letter. The letter started from the very beginning and went all the way through to the current events of Christmas '06. I can put my feelings into writing better than I can into words...mainly because I don't trust myself to watch what I say and not let the emotions take over.

I wrote a very lengthy letter, called Pastor Rusty, emailed it to him and waited for his reply. He called me back and said they only thing he would change was...it was not specific enough and the way that I closed it...appeared to be childish and final...not leaving any room for reconciliation. I had already changed the closing of the letter before Pastor Rusty's call, but took his advice to change the generalizations in other parts of my letter to be very specific and told it just like how I felt it. I sent it back to him for his final stamp of approval. I mailed the letter to this person and never heard a word in reply.

There was not one word spoken, not one word was emailed, not one word was exchanged between this person and myself after I mailed this letter to them in January '07. What do you do then? For me, just writing and mailing this letter brought closure and forgiveness for me.

When I saw her again this past Christmas...she acted like a different person, she interacted with one of my children, talked to my husband and tried to strike up conversation with me. Still, there was never a word mention about the past or the letter. I let it go too rather than bring it up. I knew that the letter had been received and she knew she received it and made an "effort" to change her actions. I forgave her in my heart but still don't want much of a relationship with her. I did what I needed to do to receive the healing in this area that I needed but no where in God's Word does it say that I have to enter into a relationship and subject myself or my family to any further abuse in the future. I am not closed minded about the future but very cautious and skeptical....I will approach with caution!

The next area of my past that needed my attention had to deal with someone very close to me that had died. My anger and the issue of forgiveness was only associated with my father's death and didn't have anything to do with hurts or offenses that he had caused me. I was angry at my Daddy for dying and leaving me alone. I was divorced and struggling to raise a 3 year old on my own...I needed my Daddy. I wanted my Daddy...the pain still runs as deep today as it did 18 years ago. I wish my Daddy was still here with me...so many, many things would have been different if he was still alive.

My Daddy was my best friend, my rock, my confidant and my biggest support during one of the most difficult times of my life...the failure of my first marriage...then he was gone.

The more that I examined my feelings, my hurts, my pain and my grief....16 years after his death...I realized that I had some residual anger toward God for allowing him to die and not healing him. The feelings that I was feeling toward God and my daddy not being healing had caused me to doubt healing for a long time. I had prayed and prayed that God would heal him and yet, he died anyway.

There were areas in which I had to forgive myself before I could forgive others. God began to break me...cell by cell and I cried many, many tears throughout this healing process.

Next Entry: Total Forgiveness VI: So Much More

Total Forgiveness IV

Until about 4 years ago, I never gave a single thought to having unforgiveness to deal with…I thought I had dealt with every issue in my life but undoubtedly…I hadn’t.

As time went along, it seemed that I had grown accustomed to living in chaos, dealing with what life had thrown at me/us, failed 1st marriage, remarrying, issues that arose with children/step-children and teenagers and what seemed to be “just life”. I thought I was handling it as best I could but undoubtedly, I wasn’t.

As I shared in Sunday School a couple of weeks ago while Pastor Rusty was headed to Ecuador, total forgiveness is sometimes a painful process, difficult process and can also be a lengthy one. However, it is the most joy reviving, peace restoring and amazingly life freeing experience you can go through.

I became a very angry person who would explode with the slightest of irritations…within my family and home only. The anger and rage continued to grow over time and at some points…was out of control. I sought advice, help from a friend’s husband who was a therapist…but no one wanted to find out what the source of my anger was…but rather…wanted to help me manage my anger either through counseling, an anger management course or prescriptions to “tame” my anger and mood swings. Even if I could control my anger, the source was still there, even if medication helped control my anger…the source was still there…all waiting to rear its ugly head again in my life. I knew that the process of finding the source of my anger would be a painful one but the anger had already caused me enough pain and there was no end in sight. If I found the source, the pain would be on the right path to healing.

I would ask them to help me dig down deep to find out what was making me so angry so that I could deal with it once and for all and not learn to control it and the angry outburst. I was completely unsuccessful in this endeavor for many years. All the while…it was still growing inside me…little by little.

Ephesians 4:26 Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry--but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry.

I was so miserable at time and trying to always put on a “happy face” for all the world to see…became a hard chore and I slowly withdrew from all the outside interest that I loved so much. It was easier to hide out at home, have minimal interaction with those around me, go to church and leave when it was over, not attend the extra functions that we had…not only at church, but with work as well. I was also hiding it from my mother. My ultimate goal was discover the source of my anger not mask the true issues.

My family suffered the most because at home...I was just me. They saw the good, the bad and the absolute UGLY! But, they loved me regardless of the ups and downs. The hardest thing of battling with anger is that you try to hide it from the entire outside world. You hide it from your friends, your co-workers, your family and your church family. It got to be so hard to put on a front every time you went out in public...especially to church. You had to smile, talk to people, laugh, socialize and act like your and your family were the happiest that you could possibly be. After years of this ritual...it was wearing me down and it began to seep out for a few others to see. I was determined that I would not let that happen. This became a source of fear and anxiety for me...when would I become overwhelmed again by all the anger that weighs you down. Fear, anxiety, anger and depression are feed off of each other...but this is not of God.

II Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

When this started happening...I began to stay at home all the time. I quit going to church functions, quit intermingling with others, stayed to myself at work which started the silent suffering that I would do in my own little world. The more that I hid, the more the anger burned inside.

The more that you isolate yourself, the deeper the hurts dig in, depression will start to creep in to your life, your temper can become shorter and then the vicious cycle starts all over. If these issues go unresolved and the situations that arise out of your pain, hurts and offenses continue to accumulate...it will bleed over into every area of your life regardless of how hard you try to keep it out. The old saying...sweeping it under the rug...becomes the mission statement to your life.

Next Entry: Total Forgiveness V...there's so much more to this story...stay tuned.

Total Forgiveness III: What Forgiveness IS

More segments from "Total Forgiveness" by R. T. Kendall...blue lettering are my words and all the rest are from Mr. Kendall's book...Total Forgiveness.

Total forgiveness seems to be a complex action that we must get right if we want to heal ourselves, receive God's blessings in our lives and release that one who offended us, for God to deal with them in His own way...not ours. Well, it is very complex but you have to take one step at a time...starting with the basic understanding of what it is and what it is not. We covered what it wasn't in the previous entry and now we are moving on what it is.

1. Being aware of what someone has done and still forgiving them...There is no spiritual victory to think we are forgiving people when we are only avoiding facing up to their wrong behavior. It is if anything, evading true forgiveness. Total forgiveness is achieved only when we acknowledge what was done without any denial or covering up---and still refuse to make the offender pay for their crime. Total forgiveness is painful. It hurts when we kiss revenge good-bye. It hurts to think that the person is getting away with what they did and nobody else will ever find out. But when we know fully what they did, and accept in our hearts that they will be blessed without any consequences for their wrong, we cross over into a supernatural realm. We begin to be a little more like Jesus, to change into the image of Christ.

2. Choosing to keep no records of wrong...Love "keeps no records of wrongs" I Cor. 13:5.

Why do we keep track of the times we are offended? To use them. To prove what happened. To wave them before someone who doubts what actually happened.

Many marriages could be healed overnight if both parties would stop pointing a finger. Love is a choice. Total forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling---at least, not at first---but is rather an act of the will. I can truly testify to this statement because I had to choose to forgive according to God's Word, certainly not my will. I went through the motions for quite a while before I felt anything. They were empty words which I didn't mean and I told God that from the beginning but I promised Him that I would be obedient and He would have to do the rest. He will ALWAYS keep His Word.

3. Refusing to punish...Refusing to punish those who deserve it---giving up the natural desire to see them "get what's coming to them"---is the essence of total forgiveness. It is not our human nature to forgive or to think that the one who wronged us goes unpunished...so our human nature will fight it, therefore, we have to fight this in the Spirit.

If we harbor the desire to see our enemies punished, we will eventually lose the anointing of the Spirit. But when perfect love---the love of Jesus and the fruit of the Holy spirit---enters, the desire for our enemy to be punished leaves. Total forgiveness is refusing to punish.

Vindication is God's prerogative and God's prerogative alone. Deuteronomy 32:35 tells us, "It is mine to avenge; I will repay." Romans 12:19 and Hebrew 10:30...Vindication is what God does best. He doesn't want our help.

4. Not telling what they did...There is often a need to talk to someone about how you have been hurt, and this can be therapeutic if it is done with the right heart attitude. If it is necessary, you choose the person you will tell very carefully, making sure that person is trustworthy and will never repeat your situation to those it does not concern. Anyone who truly forgives, does not gossip about their offender. If we talk about our offender to others, it is not for therapeutic reasons, but so others will think less of them.

Remember when you are truly exercising total forgiveness...
1. I won't be punished for my sins.
2. Nobody will know about my sins, for all sins that are under the blood of Christ will not be exposed or held against me.

If you share your pain and offenses with someone else, examine your motives and be sure you aren't doing it to punish anyone by making them look bad.

5. Being merciful...Matt. 5:7 "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy".

Because He is merciful, God does not want to punish us; because He is just, He must punish us because we have sinned against Him. Mercy is the opposite of wrath or justice. One difference between grace and mercy is that grace is getting what we don't deserve (favor), and mercy is not getting what we do deserve (justice). So when we show mercy we are withholding justice from those who have injured us, and that is one aspect of godliness. The benefit that we receive is when we show mercy, we are shown mercy.

6. Graciousness...Do not make a rigorous stand against your enemy even when you clearly in the right. Graciousness is shown by what you don't say, even if what you could say would be true. Self-righteous people find it almost impossible to be gracious; they claim always to be after the "truth", no matter the cost.

7. It is an inner condition...Total forgiveness must take place in the heart or it is worthless, for.....
"out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks" Matt. 12:34.

If we have not truly forgiven those who hurt us in our hearts, it will come out sooner or later. But if it has indeed taken place in the heart, our words will show it. When there is bitterness, it will eventually manifest itself; when there is love,
"there is nothing in him to make him stumble" I John 2:10.

If I have forgiven him/her in my heart of hearts, but he still doesn't speak to me, I can still have the inner victory. It may be far easier to forgive when we know that those who maligned or betrayed us are sorry for what they did, but if I must have this knowledge before I forgive, I may never have the victory over my bitterness. If it is a genuine heart-experience, I will not be devastated if there is no reconciliation. Even if they don't want to have a relationship with me after I forgive them, it isn't my problem because I have forgiven them.

8. It is the absence of bitterness...Bitterness is an inward condition. It is an excessive desire for vengeance that comes from deep resentment. It heads the list of the things that grieve the Spirit of God. Bitterness will manifest itself in many ways---losing your temper, high blood pressure, irritability, sleeplessness, obsession with getting even, depression, isolation, a constant negative perspective and generally feeling unwell.

We must, therefore, begin to get rid of a bitter and unforgiving spirit; otherwise, the attempt to forgive will fail. It is true that doing the right things, even when you don't feel like it, can eventually lead to having the right feelings. But the very act of trying to do right shows that the bitterness is not as deep as it could be.

The absence of bitterness allows the Holy Spirit to be Himself in us. When the Spirit is grieved, I am left to myself, and I will struggle with emotions ranging from anger to fear. But when the Holy Spirit is not grieved, He is at home with me; He will begin to change me into the person He wants me to be, and I will be able to manifest the gentleness of the Spirit. Relinquishing bitterness is an open invitation for the Holy Spirit to give you His peace, His joy and the knowledge of His will.

When bitterness is gone there will be no desire to get even or punish the offender, when I do or say nothing that would hurt his/her reputation or future and when I truly wish him well in all he seeks to do.

9. Forgiving God...Although we often don't see it at first---and for some it takes a long time---all of our bitterness is ultimately traceable to a resentment of God. This may be an unconscious anger...many would be horrified to think that they are harboring bitterness toward God. But we often repress this, too; such knowledge is too painful to admit.

Many times, deep in our hearts, we believe that He is the one who allowed bad things to happen in our lives. Since He is all-powerful and all-knowing, couldn't He have prevented tragedies and offenses from happening? He has allowed us to suffer when we didn't do anything, or so it seems, to warrant such ill treatment. What we ultimately believe is that God is to blame for our hurt.

Only a fool would claim to know the full answer to the question, "Why does God allow evil and suffering to continue when He has the power to stop it?" But there is a partial answer: He does so in order that we may believe. There would be no need for faith if we knew the answer concerning the origin of evil and the reason for suffering. I only know that it is what makes faith possible.

Romans 8:28 All things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are called according to his purpose.

God does turn evil into blessing. He causes things to work together for our good. God did not send His Son into the world to explain evil, but rather to save us from it and to exemplify a life of suffering. Jesus, who was and is the God-man, suffered as no one else has or ever will. One day God will clear His own name from the charge of being unjust, but in the meantime, we need to trust Him and take Him at His Word that He is just and merciful.

As for all the unhappy things He has allowed to happen to me, I affirm His justice. He is God. He knows exactly what He is doing---and why. For all of us who struggle with God's right to allow evil to exist in the world, there still must be a genuine forgiveness on our part, for any bitterness toward God grieves the Holy Spirit. We must forgive Him---though He is not guilty---for allowing evil to touch our lives.

10. Forgiving ourselves...Total forgiveness, then, means forgiving people---totally---and also forgiving God and it must include forgiving ourselves.

There is no lasting joy in forgiveness if it doesn't include forgiving yourself. It is anything but total forgiveness if we forgive God and those who hurt us, but we are unable to forgive ourselves.

As research has concluded in an overwhelming manner that the first person to experience delight when forgiveness takes place is the one who forgives. I again can testify to the truth in this statement. When true forgiveness finally took place...I was free, happy, at peace and full of joy...something that I hadn't been in years!

I pray that these last 3 entries that have been written about forgiveness...what it is not and what it is...will challenge you to examine your heart, seek the Holy Spirit to search you, so He can reveal any hidden unforgiveness we might be harboring. I pray that it will help to motivate you for forgive those who have hurt you, wronged you, offended you...forgive God for letting this happen to you and to forgive yourself...totally and completely. After which, you will experience the fullness of peace and joy that God intends for us to.

Next Entry: Total Forgiveness IV: Back To My Story

Total Forgiveness: Part II...Understanding What Total Forgiveness Isn't

More segments from "Total Forgiveness" by R. T. Kendall

Ephesians 4:30-32
And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

The ultimate proof of total forgiveness takes place when we sincerely petition the Father to let those who have hurt us off the hook-even if they have hurt not only us, but also those close to us. The matter of getting rid and totally forgiving one another is difficult to deal with.

Totally forgiving someone doesn't necessarily mean we will want to spend our vacation with them, but it does mean that we release the bitterness in our hearts concerning what they have done. How has the Lord forgiven us? Unequivocally and unconditionally. Our sins, which are many, will never be held against us, and nobody will ever even know what all we have done.

Psalm 103:12
As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

If we follow the same principles with others as the Lord has with us....then we will not hold other people responsible for what they have done to us. We will hold nothing against them, and we will not tell other people , not even our closest friends, what they did to us.

Understanding What Total Forgiveness Is NOT:

1. Approval of what they did...God never approved of our sins. Just as God forgives people without approving of their sin...we must learn to forgive others. We can forgive those who have hurt us and not approve of the wrongs they committed against us or those that we love because this is the way that the Lord has dealt with us.

2. Excusing what they did...we do not cover for the sins of others nor do we point to circumstances in an attempt to explain their behavior....excusing their inappropriate behavior.

3. Justifying what they did...there is no way that evil can be justified. God never calls something that is evil...right and he does not require us to either.

4. Pardoning what they did...this would mean that we would have to release an offender from the consequences of their actions, such a sentence or penalty.

5. Reconciliation...reconciliation implies a restoration of a relationship or friendship after a quarrel. When a husband and wife totally forgive each other, it would mean a reconciliation but not always. The bitterness and desire to punish the other person may be gone, but the wish to restore things to the way that they were may not be necessarily be so strong. Reconciliation requires the participation of two people.

6. Denying what they did...denying the offense ever took place...for some reason...some people live in denial and they might refuse to admit or come to terms with the reality of a bad situation. It is sometimes too painful to face the facts and denial is the easiest way out. Even when the pain is pushed down into the cellar of our subconscious mind, it will still come out one way or another...often causing high blood pressure, nervousness, irritability or even a heart attack.

7. Blindness to what happened...some feel that if they offer forgiveness, they are turning a blind eye to, or ignoring, the offense and they believe that this would, in effect, be excusing a sin against God. Willful blindness is slightly different from repression. Blindness is a conscious choice to pretend that a sin did not take place; repression is usually unconscious and involuntary. However, both are wrong and can be psychologically damaging. Someone who is trying to forgive an offense, but is actually pretending that the event never happened, will eventually explode and become the offender themselves...all because they are not being true to the pain the original offense had caused.

Paul said that love "keeps no record of wrongs" I Cor. 13:5. He didn't mean that we have to be blind to those wrongs. True forgiveness of a wrong does not pretend that no wrong is there.

8. Forgetting...When someone says we must "forgive and forget"...I understand what they are saying but literally forgetting may not be realistic. It is usually impossible to forget meaningful events in our lives, whether positive or negative. Love doesn't erase our memories. It is actually a demonstration of greater grace when we are fully aware of what happened and we still choose to forgive. God doesn't literally forget our sins...He chooses to overlook them. He knows full well what we have done...every sordid detail, but He chooses not to remember so as to not hold our sins against us. This is the same thing that He wants us to do...although we might not be able to forget...we can choose not to remember. But even if we cannot totally "forget", we must not dwell on it.

9. Refusing to take the wrong seriously...We can't truly forgive until we see clearly the offense we are forgiving and understand its seriousness. Don't try to avoid the problem, thinking it would make forgiveness easier. There is no sin too great for God to forgive. God doesn't say to us..."Come now, my dear, that's not too bad. I can easily wash this sin away." No. He sent His Son to die for sin, and Christ's sacrificial death proves just how serious a problem sin is. God doesn't pass our sins off as inconsequential, yet He forgives. Totally.

10. Pretending we are not hurt...It is ridiculous to think that we should have to keep a stiff upper lip when we have been injured by a spouse's infidelity...or betrayed...or molested...or unjustly criticized. God let David know how grieved He was over the king's sin of adultery and murder. God didn't pretend not to be hurt.

For me...I learned so much about myself and what true forgiveness is all about. Please hang in there with me as I move along through this book and continue to share my story and God's healing power through forgiveness.

Next Entry: Total Forgiveness: Part III...What Total Forgiveness IS

Total Forgiveness

The lawsuit had been building for over a year before our first schedule court date and tensions were running high at our house. One Sunday afternoon, we were fighting terribly and I decided I was going to church without Roger. We were both very angry and stressed with all that had been going on. He is the positive one and I am the negative one...but even all this was wearing him down at times too.

On my way to church, I prayed that Pastor would be preaching on something that would really speak to my heart because I was so stressed, anxious and angry. We hadn't been there the previous two Sunday nights and I didn't realize that he was preaching on "Total Forgiveness". When I got to church, I was in a terrible mood and I really didn't want to be there either but I stayed anyway. I tried to listen to what he was saying but I was still very angry and heard only bits and pieces of his sermon.

When I saw on our sermon notes what he was preaching on...I wanted so bad to just get up and leave...I was not in any mood to be sitting in church, acting like everything was fine and I certainly didn't feel like singing! But, I didn't want to draw attention to myself either by getting up with my purse and Bible and walking out. So...I stayed. This decision was a turning point in my life.

What I did hear Pastor Rusty say was that anger sometimes stems from unforgiveness. It was also in his sermon notes. If I didn't hear another word Pastor Rusty said...I hear that. I couldn't get it out of him mind.

I thought about it all night Sunday night and all day Monday at work...I started praying and asking God....who do I harbor unforgiveness against? What has happened that could cause me to have unforgiveness in my heart, not be aware of it but yet I am allowing it to control me through my anger.

I called him on Monday afternoon and I asked him..."based on what you said last night...are you saying that my anger might be because I have unforgiveness?" He told me that is was a good place to start looking.

I met with Pastor Rusty the following day to begin a long process of discovering, digging, searching and dealing with all the emotions that one must go through to find the source or sources of their anger. I have learned that forgiveness is not an event but a process that you have to go through before complete healing can take place.

He gave me a copy of the book that he had read and preached a series of sermons on...he had me begin to read "Total Forgiveness" by R. T. Kendall. The hard part for me is....I don't like to read, never have and if I did...don't have the time to sit down and read. But because I wanted desperately to be healed both mentally and emotionally...I began reading this book. The book is written in such a way that I found it hard to put down. I didn't agree with some aspects that I read in the early chapters...some of them made me angry and defensive but I kept reading.

I was scheduled to meet with Pastor Rusty every week for counseling and self discovery. He held me accountable for my feelings, thoughts, emotions, my past experiences and my present. He had me journal my thoughts, feelings, situations at home that made me angry and my reactions and thoughts to the book I was reading. There would be so much to process because everything...thoughts, feelings and actions...both past and present was like a piece of a puzzle and they all had to come together to complete the big picture of my anger. I would journal every day...many pages at a time, email them to Pastor Rusty the day before our meeting in order for him to have time to read them, dissect them, get his questions ready for the next day. This worked beautifully for us because most of the time...I would have forgotten something that I might have remembered, felt and my the time we meet...the anger or emotions were not as intense as they were in the moment. He needed to see everything in the true light, the raw, ugly truth to help in this healing process.

In chapter 1...under section 8...It is the absence of bitterness: that I received the confirmation that we were on the right track in discovering the source of my anger. I will include segments that I highlighted in the book several years ago...as I was reading.

It says: Bitterness is an inward condition. It is an excessive desire for vengeance that comes from deep resentment. It heads the list of the things that grieve the Spirit of God. Bitterness will manifest itself in many ways - losing your temper, high blood pressure, irritability, sleeplessness, obsession with getting even, depression, isolation, a constant negative perspective and generally feeling unwell.

We must, therefore, begin to get rid of a bitter and unforgiving spirit; otherwise, the attempt to forgive will fail. It is true that doing the right things, even when you don't feel like it, can eventually lead to having the right feelings. I can testify to that being a very, very true statement...it is exactly what happened to me. I went through the motions and it finally changed my heart to it being what I truly felt. More about that later.

The absence of bitterness allows the Holy Spirit to be Himself in us. When the Spirit is grieved, I am left to myself, and I will struggle with emotions ranging from anger to fear. Relinquishing bitterness is an open invitation for the Holy Spirit to give you His peace, His joy and the knowledge of His will.

Because this was a long process, along with Pastor Rusty's help and this book...I want to take my time sharing the events of this wonderful process that brought about a much needed healing in my mental state, my emotions and in my spirit...that I didn't know how much I really needed it until we dug so deep into every corner of my being. My intent is to post more than one per week...if all goes as I plan but...hey...I never know from one day to the next what is going on around here in our lives. Stay tuned...I promise...you won't be sorry. Please sign up for updates by email...top right sidebar...so you don't miss an entry. Have a blessed week.

Next Entry: Total Forgiveness: Part II

4 Years of Anger, Resentment, Bitterness, Forgiveness, Submission & Restoration

Brandon at 2 years old - "our little family"
Brandon at 3 years old

Sorry...very lengthy!

Life was a struggle from day one of being a single parent to a two-year-old son but I had the help of my parents, which was nice. My mother kept my son four days a week, free of charge, while I worked and he went to the babysitter once a week. I could not have made it if I had to pay for daycare, mortgage payment, car note and utilities on what I made plus $75.00 a week in child support. Getting the child support was a struggle from the beginning, I usually had to call hi or go by his apartment to pick it up every week...which was very frustrating, to say the least. In addition, having to see him every week, he never seemed to be completely out of my life. I know that you would think that because we had a son together that he would never be out of our lives, but that is not entirely true either. He lived on the opposite in of town....less than 5 miles and yet, he hardly ever came by to see his son, get his son to come spend the night, call to see how his son was doing and did not take advantage of his every other weekend visitation rights. Now, you have to understand that I usually drove right by his apartment on the way home or to pick up my son at my mother's house...so I saw the "party" that went on during the week nights and every weekend. His apartment was the local hangout for all his buddies and vast majority of the females (of age and those who were not) in town. Yet, he could not find the time to come see his only child.

The first two years, it did not seem to bother me as much as it did the last two years except for the fact that he like to flaunted the other women in his life including the one he had an affair with while he was married to me, in my face frequently. We agreed that he would not take our son anywhere with them...the younger one and her older sister (formerly, my best friend) and I would not take my son with me and a guy. I kept my end of the agreement but he did not and took our son to the zoo with both of them. I guess, I should have been happy that he was spending time with our son, however, he did not go anywhere with me and his son when we were married...so it did not set well with me.

I dated a guy from Texas that a friend fixed me up with for about nine months but the long distance relationship just did not work for me...so I was alone again. I did not have a social life because all I had time to do was....go to work, come straight home, pick up my son, fix dinner, play with him, clean house, do yard work, get baths and go to bed to start all over the next day. Since my ex-husband did not take advantage of his weekend visits, there was no down time for me then either. The lack of personal free time when I was not working or taking care of my son, no social life outside of co-workers and a toddler...the stress, anxiety and depression began to set in during the second year.

It was on April 13, 1989, my son's 3rd birthday, my daddy had surgery and found out that he had lymphoma. They began treatments immediately but nothing seems to be effective. You would have to know that my daddy was my life....I love my mother dearly, but my daddy was my best friend. I was daddy's little girl, the last of four children and the only one who looked just like him. I loved my daddy with all my heart. I began to pray and pray that God would heal my daddy but on August 4, 1989, my daddy died...a short four short months later. I have never felt so alone, hurt, angry and just plan lost. What was I going to do without my daddy? I was 27 years old and I still needed my daddy desperately. My world began to crumble down around me. I really believed that God would heal my daddy but He chose not to on earth. I was devastated and was afraid for many, many years to believe in healing again. My world had been turned upside down again.

I began to have panic attacks and depression plus the rage began to dwell in me. I was full of anger every time I saw any one of the three of them (my ex-husband, my "then former" best friend and her younger sister). For the first time in my life....I felt so much hate for another human being. I prayed all kind of evil things on him...not as much the girls but mostly on him. I wanted him to feel the same pain that I felt. I felt like I did not have any way to vent all my anger and frustrations...no where to turn. I continued to pray but nothing seemed to help at that point. I never stopped going to church, loving God, serving God, paying my tithes, praying and believing He could turn things around but I just did not know when He would feel the time was right...I was not sure that I could hold on if it took much longer either.

By this time, it was October 20, 1989...my 28th birthday....Happy "Stinking" Birthday to me! My wonderful pastor and his wife, who were dear friends and neighbors of mine, gave me a birthday card that year. Inside, Bro. Bob wrote..."Jennifer, God has impressed on me and Debi to tell you that He (God) said to tell you that this will be the best year of your life." Ok....maybe things are going to get better.

During those last two years, from early 1988 to early 1990, I had two dates. Both guys seemed like perfect gentlemen, very kind, respectful and fun to be around. Our first dates were normal....went out to eat, talked and seemed to enjoy each other's company. The second date was another story, all they wanted was to have sex and when I told them "no"...the date seemed to suddenly get cut short and I was taken home. They both said "I'll call you later" but you know what....I never heard from them again. I found out shortly after the second guy's date...that he was actually married. Needless to say, I did track him down and gave him a "small" piece of my mind. Did I regret saying "no"...absolutely not. Was I depressed at my social life? You better believe it. All I could see was my ex-husband on the other end of town living it up with all his female friends, my two lousy dates, being a full-time mom and he was foot loose and fancy free. The resentment and bitterness were just about all I could stand by this time.

I have to say that I was extremely miserable in my life. I was working full-time and raising a toddler by myself...then mix all the other emotions in on top of that and I was a walking time bomb. During this entire time from the divorce until now, God had still been so good to me regardless of my lack of self control (emotions & thoughts), maybe lack of faith and trust in His perfect will and timing. Financially, on paper, there was absolutely no way that I could make ends meet but there was always enough. I never missed a bill, was never late paying a bill, never borrowed a single penny from anyone, paid my tithes and managed to put a small amount in savings. I had bills just like anyone else...I had a mortgage payment, car payment, car insurance, utilities and medical bills...but God was always faithful.

Philippians 4:19. And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. (NIV)


I am not saying that during this time that I did not have a loving relationship with my son because I did. We were a team...we were all each other had. Where he went...I went, where I went...he went or he was with my mother. We were always together. We managed to go on one vacation with my mom to Florida but the luxury items were unaffordable so we did things that were inexpensive, free but fun. I always made sure that he knew where I was and when I was coming back. There was enough insecurity in his life with his father or lack of a father, I wanted to make sure he could always count on his mom to be there for him, keep him safe and to love him unconditionally.

God began to deal with me around the first of August 1990 about my anger. He dealt with me for a couple of weeks regarding letting it go, giving it all to Him and let Him deal with those who had wronged me. I began to quote over and over...what seemed like a million times a day...anytime I felt the anger rise to a boiling point....

Romans 12:19 Vengeance is mine saith the Lord, I will repay them.

Now, had I released all my anger toward the others to Him ? No, but it was a start. At the end of those two weeks, I knew that I had to let it all go, lay it at the feet of Jesus and leave it there if He was ever going to be able to bless me. That very Sunday, August 19, 1990, Bro. Bob had intended on preaching on something else but felt the Lord direct him to preach of anger and releasing it. I fully believe that God knew I was at a critical point in my life and he changed the sermon...if not just for me...to at least include me. I cried all through the service and I was the first one at the altar that Sunday...the third Sunday in August. I can honestly say that I never picked that anger up ever again toward them from that day forward..on that subject. I’m not saying that he never made me angry again, however, I did not let it control me again. I had to submit to the Will of the Father and let Him restore me.

Ephesians 4:26,27 (26)In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, (27) and do not give the devil a foothold. (NIV)

Ephesians 4:31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. (NIV)

Following the service, I was talking to both Bro. Bob and Debi after they had finished praying for me. I asked them both if they remembered the birthday card they had given me the previous October and what it said. They both quickly said "yes" and they remembered exactly what they wrote in it. I was crying when I told him that I believe that God told them that...but this has been the worst year of my life and God had a two months and 1 day to turn things around...if not, it had been the worst year in 28 years...not the best. They assured me that God was more than able.

Ephesians 3:20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, (NIV)

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (KJV)

After that Sunday, I told God that I would be content with my life as a single parent, if that is what he wanted me to do. I had been praying for a couple of years that God would send me a good-looking Christian, family man who would love my son the same as he loved me and would be financially stable. There is nothing wrong with being specific in telling God what you want. Even though, my friends laughed at me and told me it was a tall order even for God these days. But, regardless, finally for the first time, I felt that precious peace that passes all understanding. My physical mind could not fully understand but I had a peace in my spirit. I was finally free...free from the anger, depression and no longer worried about whether I would find another husband or not. Whatever God wanted me to do...I would do.

Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and mind through Christ Jesus. (KJV)

Philippians 4:11-12 (11) I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances, (12) I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. (NIV)

Hebrews 4:16 Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. (KJV)

In September 1990, my daddy had been gone a year, my emotions had been all over the place but I finally felt completely content with my life. Well, you know, God has a sense of humor at times...especially after your finally repent and submit to Him. It was like He said "ok, Jennifer...now that I have your full attention, the commitment to let me be Lord of your life and you are finally content with the life that I have given you....I'M GOING TO SHAKE IT UP A BIT! Some good friends of mine set up a "date" after church on September 2, 1990 with a handsome, Christian man, who was a father of 2 beautiful girls who he loved very much and he was financially stable...oh, did I mention his name was Roger W?

James 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with who is no variableness neither shadow of turning. (KJV)

Next Entry: The Greatest Birthday Present Ever