Total Forgiveness IV

Until about 4 years ago, I never gave a single thought to having unforgiveness to deal with…I thought I had dealt with every issue in my life but undoubtedly…I hadn’t.

As time went along, it seemed that I had grown accustomed to living in chaos, dealing with what life had thrown at me/us, failed 1st marriage, remarrying, issues that arose with children/step-children and teenagers and what seemed to be “just life”. I thought I was handling it as best I could but undoubtedly, I wasn’t.

As I shared in Sunday School a couple of weeks ago while Pastor Rusty was headed to Ecuador, total forgiveness is sometimes a painful process, difficult process and can also be a lengthy one. However, it is the most joy reviving, peace restoring and amazingly life freeing experience you can go through.

I became a very angry person who would explode with the slightest of irritations…within my family and home only. The anger and rage continued to grow over time and at some points…was out of control. I sought advice, help from a friend’s husband who was a therapist…but no one wanted to find out what the source of my anger was…but rather…wanted to help me manage my anger either through counseling, an anger management course or prescriptions to “tame” my anger and mood swings. Even if I could control my anger, the source was still there, even if medication helped control my anger…the source was still there…all waiting to rear its ugly head again in my life. I knew that the process of finding the source of my anger would be a painful one but the anger had already caused me enough pain and there was no end in sight. If I found the source, the pain would be on the right path to healing.

I would ask them to help me dig down deep to find out what was making me so angry so that I could deal with it once and for all and not learn to control it and the angry outburst. I was completely unsuccessful in this endeavor for many years. All the while…it was still growing inside me…little by little.

Ephesians 4:26 Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry--but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry.

I was so miserable at time and trying to always put on a “happy face” for all the world to see…became a hard chore and I slowly withdrew from all the outside interest that I loved so much. It was easier to hide out at home, have minimal interaction with those around me, go to church and leave when it was over, not attend the extra functions that we had…not only at church, but with work as well. I was also hiding it from my mother. My ultimate goal was discover the source of my anger not mask the true issues.

My family suffered the most because at home...I was just me. They saw the good, the bad and the absolute UGLY! But, they loved me regardless of the ups and downs. The hardest thing of battling with anger is that you try to hide it from the entire outside world. You hide it from your friends, your co-workers, your family and your church family. It got to be so hard to put on a front every time you went out in public...especially to church. You had to smile, talk to people, laugh, socialize and act like your and your family were the happiest that you could possibly be. After years of this ritual...it was wearing me down and it began to seep out for a few others to see. I was determined that I would not let that happen. This became a source of fear and anxiety for me...when would I become overwhelmed again by all the anger that weighs you down. Fear, anxiety, anger and depression are feed off of each other...but this is not of God.

II Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

When this started happening...I began to stay at home all the time. I quit going to church functions, quit intermingling with others, stayed to myself at work which started the silent suffering that I would do in my own little world. The more that I hid, the more the anger burned inside.

The more that you isolate yourself, the deeper the hurts dig in, depression will start to creep in to your life, your temper can become shorter and then the vicious cycle starts all over. If these issues go unresolved and the situations that arise out of your pain, hurts and offenses continue to accumulate...it will bleed over into every area of your life regardless of how hard you try to keep it out. The old saying...sweeping it under the rug...becomes the mission statement to your life.

Next Entry: Total Forgiveness V...there's so much more to this story...stay tuned.