Total Forgiveness V: More Struggles With Unforgiveness

As Pastor Rusty and I began the process of digging deep into my past feelings, hurts, offenses and every corner of my mind…I was praying and asking God to reveal anything or anyone that I had hard feelings toward. At this point, I still didn’t consider any of this as unforgiveness. The Holy Spirit began revealing areas of my life that I had forgotten about or chose to forget. The pain and sorrow was enormous. The emotions were overwhelming and the pain ran very deep.

I discovered several childhood situations that had always caused me so much anger from the time these incidents occurred until I faced the anger and unforgiveness head on. It was very difficult for me to put these hurts behind me because they seemed to be continually linked to other events with a certain person in my family...I didn't see there ever being a healing in this relationship. However, never underestimate the healing power of God when you submit everything to Him. I put each of the incidents that occurred during my childhood with this person behind me, forgave them, dealt with my anger and let it go. I never confronted this person with the issues that I had with them because of who this person was and how they would have reacted...it would have just created more problems that I would have had to deal with. In this situation, it was the best thing for me to do.

I also realized that I was very angry, bitter, and felt a lot of hatred toward another member of my family because of things that were said to me, said to my husband, my children, the mistreatment of my children and many other personal family hurts that this person caused for me and each member of my immediate family. This one wasn't as easy to deal with. The person that I am talking about now had been very close to me prior to my marriage to my husband, Roger, plus she was very helpful to me during my disastrous first marriage, my divorce and the four years of being a single parent. We are more like best friends than family members.

Christmas was fast approaching and there was another situation that involved my family and this person. We managed to get through Christmas day at my mother's but what happened after I went home to our house was the final straw in our relationship.

I am not a controversial person nor do I like confrontation but I would rather avoid them and let it go. That is the one thing that got me into this mess.

I was informed of the events on Christmas night after we left my mother's and what she had to say about my family. It was a month later when I was told this and I was livid. I was so upset and knew that I had to confront her in some manner...once and for all. Because I was so angry, I chose to write her a letter. The letter started from the very beginning and went all the way through to the current events of Christmas '06. I can put my feelings into writing better than I can into words...mainly because I don't trust myself to watch what I say and not let the emotions take over.

I wrote a very lengthy letter, called Pastor Rusty, emailed it to him and waited for his reply. He called me back and said they only thing he would change was...it was not specific enough and the way that I closed it...appeared to be childish and final...not leaving any room for reconciliation. I had already changed the closing of the letter before Pastor Rusty's call, but took his advice to change the generalizations in other parts of my letter to be very specific and told it just like how I felt it. I sent it back to him for his final stamp of approval. I mailed the letter to this person and never heard a word in reply.

There was not one word spoken, not one word was emailed, not one word was exchanged between this person and myself after I mailed this letter to them in January '07. What do you do then? For me, just writing and mailing this letter brought closure and forgiveness for me.

When I saw her again this past Christmas...she acted like a different person, she interacted with one of my children, talked to my husband and tried to strike up conversation with me. Still, there was never a word mention about the past or the letter. I let it go too rather than bring it up. I knew that the letter had been received and she knew she received it and made an "effort" to change her actions. I forgave her in my heart but still don't want much of a relationship with her. I did what I needed to do to receive the healing in this area that I needed but no where in God's Word does it say that I have to enter into a relationship and subject myself or my family to any further abuse in the future. I am not closed minded about the future but very cautious and skeptical....I will approach with caution!

The next area of my past that needed my attention had to deal with someone very close to me that had died. My anger and the issue of forgiveness was only associated with my father's death and didn't have anything to do with hurts or offenses that he had caused me. I was angry at my Daddy for dying and leaving me alone. I was divorced and struggling to raise a 3 year old on my own...I needed my Daddy. I wanted my Daddy...the pain still runs as deep today as it did 18 years ago. I wish my Daddy was still here with me...so many, many things would have been different if he was still alive.

My Daddy was my best friend, my rock, my confidant and my biggest support during one of the most difficult times of my life...the failure of my first marriage...then he was gone.

The more that I examined my feelings, my hurts, my pain and my grief....16 years after his death...I realized that I had some residual anger toward God for allowing him to die and not healing him. The feelings that I was feeling toward God and my daddy not being healing had caused me to doubt healing for a long time. I had prayed and prayed that God would heal him and yet, he died anyway.

There were areas in which I had to forgive myself before I could forgive others. God began to break me...cell by cell and I cried many, many tears throughout this healing process.

Next Entry: Total Forgiveness VI: So Much More