~Reflections and Blessings From 2008!~

I know this is quite lengthy...but, bear with me...many said they couldn't wait for the more detailed version of my reflections of 2008. I wanted to divide it up in several posts...but it was flowing to good to break it up.

I posted my "brief" reflection of 2008 on my Thankful Thursday post...Looking Back. Now, I want to elaborate on that a little more, ok...a lot more :-)

I have blogged numerous post throughout this year (my first year of blogging, yeah!) of the trial, struggles, battles and sometimes, all out war that took a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual toll on me, my family, my children and my marriage. Only through the grace, mercy and sovereignty of God were we able to endure, survive and have complete victory in each and every attack of the enemy.

God is still working on our behalf, even though, it is now 2009 to continue to bring complete healing in each and every area of our lives.

I said in my post on 1/1/09 that we remained faithful to God and that is the truth. We never stopped loving God, believing that He could intervene, bring victory to the situations that we caving in on top of us and we never stopped attending church, paying our tithes or praying.

Now...let's get one thing straight...I said "we remained faithful"...I didn't say flawless, perfect and without fault.

I battled with major depression and anxiety because of all the attacks that came one right after the other and at times, there would be multiple attacks on top of each other. There were very few people who knew what we were going through during those horrendous years...yes, YEARS! My best friends knew most of the attacks but, we didn't even tell them some of the ones that were so personal until after the victory came. I have to say that there was only one person that knew EVERYTHING...I left no stone left unturned, kept no secrets, exposed every raw, ugly thought, emotion and truth was revealed and confessed in the privacy of his office...that person was my "earthly" savior...sent by God to us in our time of need...Pastor Rusty Blann.

What a man of God, full of wisdom, direction, discernment, my confidant and he is full of compassion and love! If he stilled loved me after all that I told him and didn't judge me...wow, he was a God send and a true man of God!

Pastor Rusty...we owe you so much. We love you with all our heart and appreciate you more that words will ever say or express. You stood by us through it all, you were there on every trial date...all day long, listening and praying, agreeing with us through that 3 year process. But, you have been there for us more than just the lawsuit but you stood with us through every attack of the enemy...helping to lead, guide and direction us through godly wisdom...every step of the way. We can't thank you enough. We love you!

That brings to mind, yet another time when God knew what we (our family) would need more than we did. I won't go into any detail that surrounded Pastor Rusty becoming our pastor but, God knew that I/we would need PR (Pastor Rusty) and no one else in the years to come. I have never confided in a pastor and don't know that I would have ever if it had been anyone other than PR. I am so thankful that God doesn't give us what we want but He gives us what we need.

There were numerous times that I wanted to give up, quit, run away from God and my family...but, God never let go of me...even, when I let go of His hand. When I would realize that I needed God and I couldn't do it on my own...God was right where I walked away from Him...He never moved...He was still standing right there waiting for me to return to Him. These periods of time never lasted long...couple of days to a week.

I learned more and more to cling to Him, depend on Him and dig deep into His Word for every promise I could find to stand on. During the lawsuit, God orchestrated every detail, every delay and ruled and reigned in the judge's heart to make the right decision (even though, she wanted to rule against us so bad). That alone was a 3 year and 5 days battle. Once again, God proved His faithfulness to us. There were times that it seemed like my prayers weren't getting beyond the ceiling. There were many times that I would get angry and frustated with God because they answers were coming...well, at least, I didn't think they were coming...but, they were...in His time and right on time.

With all the attacks of the enemy on my family and within my family...we nearly divorced several times, even to the point that we separated. God restored our marriage and our relationship...we are stronger now than we have ever been in nearly 18 years of marriage.

With the attacks in our family with our son, Brandon, not knowing where he was for 6 months...God moved on his heart to call his little brother on his birthday 3 years ago. We have never been out of contact since. God is still working in that situation that needs divine intervention and only God can do the work that needs to be done. There has been so much healing in my heart, Roger's heart and Brandon's heart toward each other. God is working in Brandon's life and heart right now, whether he knows it or not.

This Christmas was the most enjoyable, precious and happiest time that I can ever remember with Brandon since Roger and I married...18 years ago. Everyday, every week...it was a battle in our home with his biological father instigating so much strife in Brandon toward both of us.

The enemy sets things in motion, but when God intervenes...it blows up in the enemies face and the person who was physically behind it. Brandon hasn't spoken to his father in over 3 years. He finally saw his father for what he was and he has finally seen Roger...his Dad, for the godly, loving father that he is. Brandon has felt so much sorrow for allowing his father to manipulate him all those years and cheating him out of having a real father in his life, but Roger loves him just the same. It wasn't an easy time for any of us, but God is a God of restoration. He is working to bring complete healing in every area of our relationship and in Brandon's life. This Christmas was a testimony of God's faithfulness. What a story that will be when it is completed!

As most of you know, my mother broke her hip, December 16th and I have quoted what she has said several times about her "accident". She says that Christians don't have accidents because God know what is going to happen and He allows it for a reason. She says that He knew that morning when she got up that she would fall out the back door on the ice.

I hadn't ever really thought about it before but I can testify today that...I am a complete, 100% believer in that statement...it just might become my new quote...my famous quote...from my mom!

During these many years of "torture"...I became increasing distance from one of my sisters and 2 years ago...we became completely estranged. During the past couple of years, I haven't spoken to her except on Thanksgiving and Christmas...we were polite but it was nothing like we used to be. She used to be my best friend. I have mourned the loss of our relationship for a long time now...even, before the events of 2 years ago.

I was determined to forgive, not be angry and to pray for my sister and her family. It was during my mother's hospital stay that she came to see my mom from out of town...she was here for several days. We were placed in a situation to be around each other. I am one who would rather avoid a person than have a confrontation with them. I wasn't given the opportunity any long to avoid her. We spent several days together in the hospital room, talking, eating together, she walked me to my car late one night so I wouldn't have to go out alone and I drove her back around to the front entrance of the hospital..it felt like old times. Christians don't have accidents...God is a God of restoration...and I have my sister back. I can't type this for crying...what a Christmas gift this was along with all the other blessings He has given us this year. (I talked to her for 2 hours last night on the phone...something, I haven't done in over 18 years...talked that long, that is)

We were battling with our investment property business going under and taking us down with it financially. God provided a way out for us in this too. It wasn't the way that we had been praying for but if it is God's way...then, it is the only way.

As I said in my post on 1/1/09, God gave me the promise of Isaiah 61...The Year of the Lord's Favor for our household for 2008.

We were believing for several things in 2008, they were:

• Financial Peace: Done...Roger and I neither one have missed a check this year
• Roger's Job Situation: Done...God gave him a job 4 miles from home working for a wonderful Christian man, who isn't afraid to quote scripture and tell his employees about Christ.
• Brandon's Deliverance: In The Process...we have seen so much change...completion is just around the corner
• Restoration In Relationships: Done...I have my son and I have my sister back
• Real Estate: In The Process...will be completely out of it by end of 2009

2008 has truly been one of the best years of my life...only through Jesus Christ was this possible.

I am going to post the emails that Dorinda and I exchanged one year ago...December 13th, 2007 that confirmed my own personal, special delivery...Promise From My Heavenly Father...Isaiah 61 next.

Hope everyone is still awake :-)

Have a wonderfully blessed day!

Do Not Lose Heart

2 Corinthians 4:16

So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. (The Message)

I love how the Message Bible puts this verse..."not a day goes by without his unfolding grace"!

Wow!!!

Each one of has experienced trials and troubles in our lives and in our families...if you are alive and breathing...you have been there. So many times, we feel like we can't go on, can't put one foot in front of the other, can't utter another prayer, can't get out of bed and/or just don't want to.

We have felt at times...Why should I keep trying? Why should I care anymore? Does anyone even see that I am hurting or do they even care?

Can you relate to one of these times in your life? You might have experienced more than one...I know that I have.

• If you are having financial troubles, setbacks...it is not the end.
• If you have been lied to and deceived...it is not the end.
• If you have lost your job...it is not the end.
• If you have lost your home...it is not the end.
• If you have been a victim of robbery, identity thief, home invasion...it is not the end.
• If you have a child who is entangled in sin...wrong relationships, failing according to life's standards, refusing to communicate with you or your family, on drugs and/or alcohol or involved in homosexuality...it is not the end.
• If you spouse has walked away from your marriage, chosen someone else over you...it is not the end.
• If you have lost a loved one to death...whether it is a sudden death, suicide or a long illness...it is not the end.
• If you have been in jail or a family member is in jail...it is not the end.
• If you or your family member committed a horrible crime...it is not the end.
• If you have lost or are losing your sight, hearing or even a limb...it is not the end.
• If you have a disabling illness or disease...it is not the end.
• If you are in the depths of depression, battling depression or chemical imbalance that is affecting your way of thinking, feeling, reacting and your relationships...it is not the end.
• If you have learned that you have a terminal illness...it is not the end.
• If you have done things in your life...past or present when you acted foolishly and are mortified by what you did...it is not the end.
• If you are nearing death's door...it is not the end.

It might seem like the end, you might wish it were the end...BUT it is not the end because God is God, He is in control and the end has not come yet...not until God says "this is the end".

We must have faith in our Heavenly Father, trust Him in ALL things and lean on Him completely.

Hebrew 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

I don't know who this is for today but I felt that someone needed to hear this. Be blessed today and you trust in Him.

Teenagers

Teenagers! Where do I start on this subject? My, oh my...that was a roller coaster ride time in our lives.

Brandon was definitely a handful as a teenager. The emotions and hormones were running rampant during that time plus all the damage that his father had already done to him mentally and emotionally.

There weren't too many days that went by that the fireworks didn't go off at our house for one reason or another. The tension ran very high from day to day depending on the subject at hand.

The rebellion and anger grew more and more with each fight. Roger and Brandon didn't get along the majority of the time and that put a strain on my emotional and mental state plus my marriage. There were many times that I wanted to put my son out in the street and there were times that I wanted to put my husband out in the street. Not to mention, all the times that I wanted to run away from home alone!!!

Roger and I nearly divorced several times during the teenage years...more so than all the other years combined. I just go so tired of the fighting...all the time. There were times when I would tell Roger...don't make me choose between you and my son because you will lose everytime. I told him that God gave Brandon to me to raise and he came before my happiness or marriage. I don't know if I was right in my way of thinking all the time but he was my son and what kind of life would he have or what kind of man would he turn out to be if I sent him to live with his daddy.

It seemed that nothing ever made Brandon happy and he was determined to do things his way, on his terms and it seems like he chose to do anything that went against what we wanted him to do...90% of the time. He would suffer the consequences and he would adapt to any punishment that you gave him in order for him to do things his way. Rebellion...seems like an understatement during those times. Bull-headed, stubborn and strong willed were accurate descriptions of Brandon during those times. I told him that those things weren't bad if he would only channel them in the right way...if he put as much energy into setting his mind to achieving productive goals in his life as he did into trying to make my marriage miserable...he would be President of the United States right now! Brandon admitted to both of us in the past two years that his goal was to break up my marriage to Roger and have me to himself again. He nearly succeeded many times. Regardless of how angry and hurt we were...we NEVER stopped loving him...no matter how hard he pushed us both away...we NEVER stopped being there for him. Yes, we have exercised "Tough Love" so much over the past 4-5 years that it has hurt me so bad to say "no"...learn from your mistakes.

When Brandon turned 16 years old, things had gotten pretty explosive many times but we kept pushing forward. We tried to set boundaries and get by everyday without too many explosions.

I went to New Mexico with a friend of mine for some girl time and while I was gone...all manner of crud broke loose. I got a telephone call the day before I was set to come home from Roger telling me that Brandon left and his daddy picked him up. They had an arguement and I don't even know what it was about anymore but it became explosive. There was two different stories as to what happened that night. He went next door to the neighbors, asked to use their phone, called his daddy and had him come pick him up. Brandon moved out and when I finally got him on the telephone...he told me that he was leaving and I couldn't make him come home. My immediate reaction was..."watch me!", "oh, yes, I can" and "I have full custody and I can make you do whatever I tell you to do!". I was so angry with Brandon and Roger too. I leave for a mini vacation once in our marriage and actually, once in my life for some girl time and they couldn't get along for four days. I was furious!

By the time that I got home, I had calmed down and decided to let him live with his daddy rather than making our lives even more miserable by forcing him to come home. I decided to just back off. Our lives...mine, Roger and Tyler's settled down for once in a very long time. Don't get me wrong...I loved Brandon then with all my heart and I love him today with all my heart but that didn't always make our lives a bed of roses.

It was one of the hardest decisions that I had to make during his 18 years of life with me. I wanted to control the situation, him and I wanted to make everyone happy...I wanted to fix it. This was one of many things that I had to resign myself to that I couldn't fix the situation nor could I fix him. It was bittersweet during that time...there was peace in my home but turmoil in my heart. I knew that his daddy would let him go to places that he didn't need to be, go with people that he didn't need to be with and get into things that he didn't need to be into...just to get him out of his hair. He hadn't ever been a daddy to Brandon and I knew that he was not about to start then.

I decided to go to our juvenile court and enter Brandon into a program...FIN...Family In Need program. He was assigned a juvenile officer and caseworker. She was appointed as his counselor, caseworker and supervisor. He was told that he had to see her once a month, stay within the rules set by the court or he would be sent to juvenile hall or boot camp. This worked for a short time but even with any good program...it had it problems too. I knew in my heart that Brandon would eventually see his father for what he really was and come home. Which he did...about a year after he left.

Next Entry: Brandon's Return and His Exit Again