Friday Funnies ~ 7 Reason Not To Mess With Children

7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

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A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said. 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

For more Friday Funnies...visit Kim at Homesteaders Heart.

Have a wonderfully blessed day!

Friday Funnies

It is hard to believe that it is Friday again, but it is! I love Friday Funnies that is hosted by Kim at Homesteaders Heart. Visit her for more laughs today.

GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING

DON'T SWALLOW BUBBLE GUM!!!

Have a wonderfully blessed day!

Friday Funnies

Yeah...IT'S FRIDAY!!! It's also my day off but it really isn't my day off. You see, I don't have to work at my first job but I still have to work at my second job....housework!!!

Roger was feeling sorry for me because I have been so stressed out trying to keep the house clean, laundry, work on home projects and work a full-time job...so, my sweet, sweet husband told me that he was going to get me some help...something to help me with my cleaning.

Little did I know that he meant this....

PAUSE MY MUSIC ON SIDEBAR



For more Friday Funnies...visit Kim at Homesteaders Heart. It is always good to finish your week with laughter :-)

Have a wonderfully blessed day!

Friday Funnies

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest inhigh-powered vacuum cleaners.

''Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!'and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horsemanure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder..'

The old lady stepped back and said,

' Well let me get you a fork,'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.'

For more Friday Funnies...visit Kim at Homesteaders Heart.

Have a wonderfully blessed day!

Friday Funnies~Bengy and The Zipper

TGIF!!! I love Fridays for more than one reason...first of all, I am off on Fridays, second, I love Friday Funnies and third, I love knowing it is the beginning of a weekend with my family.

My sister sent this video to me several months ago and I forgot that I had it...until just now when I was looking for something to post for...you guessed it...Friday Funnies.

It is just over 6 minutes but so worth watching...get ready to laugh your head off.



For more Friday Funnies...visit Kim at Homesteaders Heart and have a great weekend!

Have a wonderfully blessed day!

Friday Funnies~I Love This Doctor!

Welcome back to Friday Funnies! My favorite day of the week because it's my day off from my job (work), not my wife/mother responsibilities :-) My plate is full for today but I'm determined to get great and mighty things accomplished today! Whoohooo!

Disclaimer: This is so funny and no, I don't drink alcoholic beverages but too funny not to post :0

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even m ore of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND..... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.



For more laughs today...visit Kim at Homesteaders Heart.
















Have a wonderfully blessed day!

Friday Funnies

TGIF!!!! I just love Fridays because I am off and I just love Friday Funnies! It is great to share laughs after a long and busy week. For more Friday Funnies...visit my friend, Kim at Homesteaders Heart.

REDNECK SEAFOOD DINNER

NOW,THAT'S FUNNY,
I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE !

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A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked, " Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, lipo-suction, and a tummy tuck.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,"I thought you said I had another 40 years "Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the car?"

God replied, "Girlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!"

Thanks, Mindy...I loved these!

Have a wonderfully blessed day!

Friday Funnies

Congratulations to Jerralea ( Jerri) at Jerri's Journey as the winner of the Book of Prayer by Stormie Omartian for my 250th post drawing. Check out her blog when you get a minute...precious heart who loves the Lord.

Yeah...it's Friday!!! Ok, this is funny but yet...carries a very powerful message! Hope you enjoy!

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though, he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit the car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting office was waiting with her personal effects.

He said "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him." "I noticed the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, naturally...

"I assumed you had stolen the car"!!!!

Does your advertisement (behavior) match your testimony?

For more great Friday Funnies...visit Kim at Homesteaders Heart.

Have a wonderfully blessed day!

Friday Funnies

Hallelujah! It's Friday again!!! I love Fridays for many reasons but one is...Friday Funnies! After a long, hard week...we all need a good laugh!

Here is mine today...these are funny and the scary thing is...some of them are so true whether we want to admit them or not AND I only had 2!


BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

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Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

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The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

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Worries: 1st baby:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

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Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

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Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

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Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, Baby Zoo, Baby Movies and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.

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Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

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At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children

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Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital
and demand x-rays
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!

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GRANDCHILDREN: God's reward for allowing your children to live! LOL!

Have a wonderfully blessed day!

Friday Funnies

Today Is My Blogoversary!!!

1 Year of Blogging and Making Precious New Friends!

Don't forget to leave me a comment...today is the last day to get your name in the drawing for 1 of 2 beautiful wall crosses to celebrate my 1st year blogging.

I am giving away these beautiful wall crosses to two randomly drawn names of anyone who leaves a comment on my blog...first time visitor or regular visitor.

I posted a picture in my sidebar of the crosses.

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Welcome to Friday Funnies hosted by Kim at Homesteaders Heart. Everyone needs a good laugh after a long, busy or stressful week. So, check out more Friday Funnies over at Kim's Place.

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

"You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."

The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?"

The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."

The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president."

The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?'"

The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"

Have a wonderfully blessed day!

Friday Funnies

I thought these were so cute! Hope you enjoy them as much as I did. For more Friday funnies...visit Kim at Homesteaders Heart. Happy Friday!

























Have a wonderfully blessed day!

Friday Funnies~Did I Read That Right?

Did I Read That Right???

Hmmm.. decisions, decisions!

Then, how should I get in??? Maybe the exit?

Hope the emergency's not too urgent!

Sounds tasty doesn't it?

McDeath?

Geez, not even an emergency phone?

To calm those stressed rabbits.

NO! The other right!

Oops, not secret anymore!!

A fine example of rocket science!

For more Friday Funnies...join Kim at Homesteaders Heart.


Have a wonderfully blessed day!