Feelings vs. Truth

In my absence from the blogging world these past week or so, I have been under a great deal of stress with things that are completely out of our control. However, even when we know that they are out of our control...they can still take control of us.

As hard I fought against the stress of the situations, the discouragement and minor depression began to creep in. Add the fact that we didn't see sunshine in Arkansas for over 2 weeks due to rain, rain, rain and very dark, dreary days...my mood was getting very dark.

When I get this way, I don't want to talk to anyone but of course, life continue to move on whether you do or not. You will be put in places and situations that you HAVE to put on a "happy face", smile, talk, laugh and act like all is well with the world...when in fact...IT ISN'T. I find myself doing this and hiding behind a "happy face" so the world doesn't know my business.

If you have never allowed a situation of life to control you, discourage you or cause you to enter into some level of depression...then, you might take your loved ones actions personal when they are not meant to be. When we are with our loved ones, our family, in our own home...we tend to be ourselves without the phony facade. If your loved ones don't understand what you are going through...they might be offended by your actions or lack of.

By Friday, I wasn't smiling but functioning day by day. When I was alone, I was deep in thought and the war was raging in my mind between what I was "feeling" and the truth.

I went to Jonesboro to take my oldest son, Brandon, his jacket and shirt he left at the house earlier in the week and this gave me plenty of time alone to just think.

During this entire "dry" time in my life, I have filled my mind with praise and worship music, prayer and some reading of the Word. I can't focus very well during this time to spend much time reading...so, I don't. I would go to bed at night with my iPod playing through my headphones...filling my sleep with praise and worship music. However, I would wake up the next day in the same "funk" as I went to sleep in.

Driving back from Jonesboro, I had a notebook with me, so I wrote down words that described how I was "feeling" that very moment. I started to scan the page and post it but too lazy to go do it...so, here is what I wrote down. As I was writing the words down on the left side of the page of how I was feeling, my thoughts would immediately go opposite and I wrote these down on the right side of the page.

Physical vs. Spiritual...Feelings vs. Truth

Beat down / My joy comes from the Lord

Great sadness / My hope is in Him

Overwhelmed / I put my trust in Him

Defeated / When I am weak, He is strong

Angry / Be angry and sin not

Hurt

Anxious / Be anxious about nothing

Minor Depression / I am more than a conqueror

Doubtful / Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean
not unto your own understanding

Tired & Drained / I will give you rest

Alone / I will never leave you nor forsake you

Emotionally dry / He is the fountain of living water

As my flesh was screaming out my weaknesses, my spirit was screaming out the Truth...God's Word.

Did I immediately feel better? No!

I sought the advice of a very dear friend, wise counsel, godly person that afternoon and they confirmed what I already knew. That there will be times in our lives that we go through dry spells, when we feel alone, that God is not there, when our prayers aren't being heard, when we feel there is no hope for our situation BUT, that is not the TRUTH. The truth is...God is actively working in my life, my family, my situation and He is still right there by my side and at times, He is carrying me when I am to weary to walk on my own.

This time, I didn't feel that my prayers weren't being answered or that God wasn't there with me but, I knew I was in a dry season. This is the biggest difference that I've seen in this time and other attacks from the enemy in the past.

It was confirmed to me that I knew the truth and I was refusing to buy into the lies of the enemy during this period of my life. Now, I just have to wait until my flesh grabs a hold of the truth.

By the way, I am feeling much better starting on Saturday. I still have my "quiet" moments but the joy of the Lord is returning to my flesh.

Nehemiah 8:10b
Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength."

Psalm 33:20
We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield

Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

II Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Psalm 39:7
"But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.

Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Hebrews 13:5b
God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

John 7:38
Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him."

Romans 8:37
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Please pray for me as the stress has begun to affect my heart again. It is skipping beats more frequently and makes me tired easily.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS!

Have a wonderfully blessed day!

Pure Joy!

There is so much going on in my life right now that I am very distracted, overwhelmed and a little gloomy. I keep blaming the weather...rain, clouds, dark and dreary days for my feelings but honestly, it is more than that and I know it. So, since my forum on this blog has always been honesty...then, here it is...I am battling a minor amount of depression. I can call it minor because I have suffered the major and this is no where near that. Nearly every time that I have ever battled with depression it has always been situational and this time is no different.

God is in control of all things and that includes my life, my situations, my problems and HE CARES ABOUT EACH ONE OF THEM!

I will post more later on some things that I can share but right now...I don't have the time nor energy to do so.

So...on a much lighter note. I wanted to share some pictures of my family with you. Most of these are of my youngest son, Tyler, who is 15 and in the 10th grade. He is playing high school football and is doing very well. In these pictures you will see a couple with my oldest son, Brandon and my mother...aka...Nanny. They both came to Tyler's last JV game this past Monday night.

It is nothing short of pure joy to have my family around me and I am filled with pride when I watch my son play football. I truly love my family with every fiber of my being.

Tyler is #12 in either the white jersey (away games) or the blue jersey (home games). This is several games combined together of both Friday night football (Varsity) and Monday night football (Jr. Varsity).

If you can't tell my these pictures and my photo tags....I love that boy and we are so proud of him.

Have a wonderfully blessed day!

Contentment

Contentment? Hmmmm....boy, have I been lacking in that area the past few days. For those of you who follow me on Facebook knows that I was struggling bad yesterday.

You see, I have a really hard time knowing that I have to work...a couple of times a year. In the spring and in the fall...I absolutely hate working. In the summer when it is in the 100's or in the winter when it's in the 30's....I don't mind at all. **YES, I'M THANKFUL FOR MY JOB AND MY WONDERFUL BOSSES....I'M NOT TAKING IT FORE GRANTED**

It started on Monday when it was absolutely gorgeous outside and I was stuck inside. I didn't deal with it right then and there but allowed it to fester and by yesterday...I was entering into full blown depression.

I have to be very careful during this couple times a year because I am so "unhappy" that my tongue will hurt others who are doing all they can for our family. I would come across ungrateful, selfish and probably spoiled. I am not saying that my tone, body language and attitude still doesn't say all of that but I am trying to not speak those exact words that are running through my mind.

When I get like this...I just want to be left alone and I don't want to talk to anyone. It is the safest place for me to be at the moment.

I love taking care of my family and devoting all my time and attention to them and our home. However, for me...I can't do it to my liking working a full-time job. I get very resentful when I start feeling like this.

I love to do all the housework, yard work, cooking, shopping and anything else that needs doing so my husband doesn't have to when he comes home from work. He is working two jobs...his regular job 5 days a week plus having to take call one week out of three. His second job is a part-time police officer in our town...which he loves. He works his full-time job and then goes to the PD for another 7-8 hours only to get up the next morning and do it again.

We use his PD check to save for vacations, home improvements and now a car for Tyler when he turns 16...which isn't far away.

We have looked at our finances, what we owe, our home and everything to see what we can get rid of so that I didn't have to work and there just isn't anything at this time. We desire things that we "want" to do that aren't "necessities" in life. These are new carpet in our home, vacation up the east coast, a car for Tyler that we can pay out right and a car for me the same month. We are striving to become debt free. Can we live without all these things? Absolutely!

All of that doesn't go hand in hand with me quitting work. I know this but it doesn't change the fact that I long too. I was a SAHM for 9 years and I loved every minute of it. I never got bored and I was at home, not out running around. I always had things to do to keep me busy. I loved it and I long so badly to be there again.

I have many friends, not all of them that don't have to work and that doesn't help either. Do I envy them? No, but I wish we had done things differently so that I didn't have to work.

I have gone over and over our 18 1/2 years of marriage and asked myself...what do you regret? What would you change if you could? There are only two things that I "regret" and would change if I could but....I CAN'T. I would have been more money conscious early in our marriage when my husband got big bonuses and I would have paid a vehicle off and kept driving it. We have had a car payment x 18 1/2 years. So, no sense crying over spilt milk but rather learn from your mistakes and don't do them again.

There are things that I will never regret and would do again regardless of the outcome. I don't regret taking the trips/vacations with my family that we have. They created memories that will last a lifetime...I would go on every one of them again. I don't regret buying our camper because it brings us so much pleasure, relaxation and more memories that we share with Tyler and our grandson, Mason. I hate having a camper payment but it is worth the sacrifice.

I began to pray last night for the Lord to help me to be content again with our lives and our situation. I work up this morning with a new attitude and a new determination to make the best of what I have.

You see, I have a great job. I work from home, with great, generous bosses but I just have to put the hours in and work to get it all done. So, why am I whining....because I don't want to even do that. But, that isn't an option, now is it? NO!

I was determined this morning to be creative and have the best of both worlds! So, as I type this...I am sitting outside on my patio, with my laptop, on a make shift desk, sitting under the umbrella and only squinting a little bit. I have my radio playing K-Love for the neighbors, a cool breeze, my Diet DP, my work, sunglasses on, my dog is out here with me and here's to a great day. Can't get much better than that...except, being unemployed! lol

I am learning once again to be content in whatever situation I find myself in.

Philippians 4:11-13
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. (12) I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. (13) I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

1 Timothy 6:6-8
But godliness with contentment is great gain. (7) For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. (8) But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.


Have a wonderfully blessed day!

~Reflections and Blessings From 2008!~

I know this is quite lengthy...but, bear with me...many said they couldn't wait for the more detailed version of my reflections of 2008. I wanted to divide it up in several posts...but it was flowing to good to break it up.

I posted my "brief" reflection of 2008 on my Thankful Thursday post...Looking Back. Now, I want to elaborate on that a little more, ok...a lot more :-)

I have blogged numerous post throughout this year (my first year of blogging, yeah!) of the trial, struggles, battles and sometimes, all out war that took a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual toll on me, my family, my children and my marriage. Only through the grace, mercy and sovereignty of God were we able to endure, survive and have complete victory in each and every attack of the enemy.

God is still working on our behalf, even though, it is now 2009 to continue to bring complete healing in each and every area of our lives.

I said in my post on 1/1/09 that we remained faithful to God and that is the truth. We never stopped loving God, believing that He could intervene, bring victory to the situations that we caving in on top of us and we never stopped attending church, paying our tithes or praying.

Now...let's get one thing straight...I said "we remained faithful"...I didn't say flawless, perfect and without fault.

I battled with major depression and anxiety because of all the attacks that came one right after the other and at times, there would be multiple attacks on top of each other. There were very few people who knew what we were going through during those horrendous years...yes, YEARS! My best friends knew most of the attacks but, we didn't even tell them some of the ones that were so personal until after the victory came. I have to say that there was only one person that knew EVERYTHING...I left no stone left unturned, kept no secrets, exposed every raw, ugly thought, emotion and truth was revealed and confessed in the privacy of his office...that person was my "earthly" savior...sent by God to us in our time of need...Pastor Rusty Blann.

What a man of God, full of wisdom, direction, discernment, my confidant and he is full of compassion and love! If he stilled loved me after all that I told him and didn't judge me...wow, he was a God send and a true man of God!

Pastor Rusty...we owe you so much. We love you with all our heart and appreciate you more that words will ever say or express. You stood by us through it all, you were there on every trial date...all day long, listening and praying, agreeing with us through that 3 year process. But, you have been there for us more than just the lawsuit but you stood with us through every attack of the enemy...helping to lead, guide and direction us through godly wisdom...every step of the way. We can't thank you enough. We love you!

That brings to mind, yet another time when God knew what we (our family) would need more than we did. I won't go into any detail that surrounded Pastor Rusty becoming our pastor but, God knew that I/we would need PR (Pastor Rusty) and no one else in the years to come. I have never confided in a pastor and don't know that I would have ever if it had been anyone other than PR. I am so thankful that God doesn't give us what we want but He gives us what we need.

There were numerous times that I wanted to give up, quit, run away from God and my family...but, God never let go of me...even, when I let go of His hand. When I would realize that I needed God and I couldn't do it on my own...God was right where I walked away from Him...He never moved...He was still standing right there waiting for me to return to Him. These periods of time never lasted long...couple of days to a week.

I learned more and more to cling to Him, depend on Him and dig deep into His Word for every promise I could find to stand on. During the lawsuit, God orchestrated every detail, every delay and ruled and reigned in the judge's heart to make the right decision (even though, she wanted to rule against us so bad). That alone was a 3 year and 5 days battle. Once again, God proved His faithfulness to us. There were times that it seemed like my prayers weren't getting beyond the ceiling. There were many times that I would get angry and frustated with God because they answers were coming...well, at least, I didn't think they were coming...but, they were...in His time and right on time.

With all the attacks of the enemy on my family and within my family...we nearly divorced several times, even to the point that we separated. God restored our marriage and our relationship...we are stronger now than we have ever been in nearly 18 years of marriage.

With the attacks in our family with our son, Brandon, not knowing where he was for 6 months...God moved on his heart to call his little brother on his birthday 3 years ago. We have never been out of contact since. God is still working in that situation that needs divine intervention and only God can do the work that needs to be done. There has been so much healing in my heart, Roger's heart and Brandon's heart toward each other. God is working in Brandon's life and heart right now, whether he knows it or not.

This Christmas was the most enjoyable, precious and happiest time that I can ever remember with Brandon since Roger and I married...18 years ago. Everyday, every week...it was a battle in our home with his biological father instigating so much strife in Brandon toward both of us.

The enemy sets things in motion, but when God intervenes...it blows up in the enemies face and the person who was physically behind it. Brandon hasn't spoken to his father in over 3 years. He finally saw his father for what he was and he has finally seen Roger...his Dad, for the godly, loving father that he is. Brandon has felt so much sorrow for allowing his father to manipulate him all those years and cheating him out of having a real father in his life, but Roger loves him just the same. It wasn't an easy time for any of us, but God is a God of restoration. He is working to bring complete healing in every area of our relationship and in Brandon's life. This Christmas was a testimony of God's faithfulness. What a story that will be when it is completed!

As most of you know, my mother broke her hip, December 16th and I have quoted what she has said several times about her "accident". She says that Christians don't have accidents because God know what is going to happen and He allows it for a reason. She says that He knew that morning when she got up that she would fall out the back door on the ice.

I hadn't ever really thought about it before but I can testify today that...I am a complete, 100% believer in that statement...it just might become my new quote...my famous quote...from my mom!

During these many years of "torture"...I became increasing distance from one of my sisters and 2 years ago...we became completely estranged. During the past couple of years, I haven't spoken to her except on Thanksgiving and Christmas...we were polite but it was nothing like we used to be. She used to be my best friend. I have mourned the loss of our relationship for a long time now...even, before the events of 2 years ago.

I was determined to forgive, not be angry and to pray for my sister and her family. It was during my mother's hospital stay that she came to see my mom from out of town...she was here for several days. We were placed in a situation to be around each other. I am one who would rather avoid a person than have a confrontation with them. I wasn't given the opportunity any long to avoid her. We spent several days together in the hospital room, talking, eating together, she walked me to my car late one night so I wouldn't have to go out alone and I drove her back around to the front entrance of the hospital..it felt like old times. Christians don't have accidents...God is a God of restoration...and I have my sister back. I can't type this for crying...what a Christmas gift this was along with all the other blessings He has given us this year. (I talked to her for 2 hours last night on the phone...something, I haven't done in over 18 years...talked that long, that is)

We were battling with our investment property business going under and taking us down with it financially. God provided a way out for us in this too. It wasn't the way that we had been praying for but if it is God's way...then, it is the only way.

As I said in my post on 1/1/09, God gave me the promise of Isaiah 61...The Year of the Lord's Favor for our household for 2008.

We were believing for several things in 2008, they were:

• Financial Peace: Done...Roger and I neither one have missed a check this year
• Roger's Job Situation: Done...God gave him a job 4 miles from home working for a wonderful Christian man, who isn't afraid to quote scripture and tell his employees about Christ.
• Brandon's Deliverance: In The Process...we have seen so much change...completion is just around the corner
• Restoration In Relationships: Done...I have my son and I have my sister back
• Real Estate: In The Process...will be completely out of it by end of 2009

2008 has truly been one of the best years of my life...only through Jesus Christ was this possible.

I am going to post the emails that Dorinda and I exchanged one year ago...December 13th, 2007 that confirmed my own personal, special delivery...Promise From My Heavenly Father...Isaiah 61 next.

Hope everyone is still awake :-)

Have a wonderfully blessed day!

Do Not Lose Heart

2 Corinthians 4:16

So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. (The Message)

I love how the Message Bible puts this verse..."not a day goes by without his unfolding grace"!

Wow!!!

Each one of has experienced trials and troubles in our lives and in our families...if you are alive and breathing...you have been there. So many times, we feel like we can't go on, can't put one foot in front of the other, can't utter another prayer, can't get out of bed and/or just don't want to.

We have felt at times...Why should I keep trying? Why should I care anymore? Does anyone even see that I am hurting or do they even care?

Can you relate to one of these times in your life? You might have experienced more than one...I know that I have.

• If you are having financial troubles, setbacks...it is not the end.
• If you have been lied to and deceived...it is not the end.
• If you have lost your job...it is not the end.
• If you have lost your home...it is not the end.
• If you have been a victim of robbery, identity thief, home invasion...it is not the end.
• If you have a child who is entangled in sin...wrong relationships, failing according to life's standards, refusing to communicate with you or your family, on drugs and/or alcohol or involved in homosexuality...it is not the end.
• If you spouse has walked away from your marriage, chosen someone else over you...it is not the end.
• If you have lost a loved one to death...whether it is a sudden death, suicide or a long illness...it is not the end.
• If you have been in jail or a family member is in jail...it is not the end.
• If you or your family member committed a horrible crime...it is not the end.
• If you have lost or are losing your sight, hearing or even a limb...it is not the end.
• If you have a disabling illness or disease...it is not the end.
• If you are in the depths of depression, battling depression or chemical imbalance that is affecting your way of thinking, feeling, reacting and your relationships...it is not the end.
• If you have learned that you have a terminal illness...it is not the end.
• If you have done things in your life...past or present when you acted foolishly and are mortified by what you did...it is not the end.
• If you are nearing death's door...it is not the end.

It might seem like the end, you might wish it were the end...BUT it is not the end because God is God, He is in control and the end has not come yet...not until God says "this is the end".

We must have faith in our Heavenly Father, trust Him in ALL things and lean on Him completely.

Hebrew 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

I don't know who this is for today but I felt that someone needed to hear this. Be blessed today and you trust in Him.

Personal Attacks Against Your Family

Before I get into the healing that came from a total of 3 years counseling with Pastor Rusty...things had to get worse before they could get better. The attacks of the enemy didn't stop because he saw that I was trying to get the help that I needed but he wanted to kick me while I was down.

I had my days when I cried out to God..."are you there? do you care that we are going through yet another attack? why is this happening? what are we doing wrong? why are you not stopping this mess?" I have been so sick of battle after battle...I just want to catch a break...I wanted to just coast for just a little bit. Is that too much to ask??? I wasn't angry with God because this was all happening but bewildered because He was intervening and stopping it. I was a Child of the King...I was royalty...couldn't I get just a little special treatment?

There was a situation with a neighbor that we became good friends with, we had dinner at their house, they at ours, kids played together daily, I went to the doctor with her, held her hand and talked about going on a vacation together. We had sold them a house 3 years prior to this. Then out of the clear blue...she quit speaking to us...we asked what was wrong...no reply. Her husband wasn't allowed to talk to us either. We thought it was because we had our house up for sale and were moving again. We had sold them our first home together, built a house that ended up being too big for us...too much time maintaining it and the yard...we never had time to do anything as a family anymore...we were either cleaning the house, working in the yard or working to pay for it...it got to where it wasn't any fun anymore...all our blood, sweat and tear...we had subcontracted and build it ourselves...it wasn't worth it anymore. We sold it and bought the house that was next door to our first home because it was going through foreclosure and a great deal. However, after about 1 1/2 years...it was way too small. So...we put it up for sale and were moving back to the subdivision that we originally built in...to a house that was in between the size of the two houses. They had their's up for sale and it didn't sell plus there were some family issues going on and they really wanted to move. It just wasn't happening. We thought they were angry with us because our house was selling again and we were moving. We always had great luck selling our houses...the 1st one...sold and it wasn't on the market yet, the big house sold within two weeks on the market and this house sold within 2 months on the market.

We heard rumors as to what the problem was but nothing concrete. We moved January 3rd, 2003 and didn't have any further contact with our former neighbors/friends. On July 4th, 2003 at straight noon...we had a knock on our door just as we were headed out to a friends get together to celebrate the 4th of July. We were served with a lawsuit! Happy 4th of July!!!!

Needless to say, I was sick to my stomach and the battle was just beginning. They (former neighbor/friends) were suing us for the house that we sold them in May 1999...4 years before. They were grasping for straws...looking for a quick fix to their's not selling and revenge for what....we still don't know. Their statement was that when they got through with us and two realtors...they would have the biggest house in C********* County.

Anyway, now add fear and anxiety to the anger and depression. I was a big mess now. My mind was running in all kinds of directions...what if this, what if that. They were suing the realtor who represented us and the realtor that represented them plus us. Lies, lies and more lies.

They sad thing about our wonderful country....anyone can sue anyone for anything and YOU have to pay to defend yourselves. Unlike, Canada...if you file a frivolous lawsuit and lose...you have to pay the other parties attorney's fees and court cost....NOT IN THE GOOD OLE USA! If we had a law like that...there wouldn't be all the lawsuits that plague our country nor would we have to watch all the attorney commercials on television.

This lawsuit lasted from start to finish....4 different court dates, lots of documentation, many, many hours of research (me and one of the other realtors...did most of our attorney's work for them) and 3 years...the price tag for something like this...$12,000.+. I worked at my job for 3 years to pay for our attorney. If you don't think that will add to your anger....think again. For what???? Nothing! I will talk more about the events of this 3 years in a later entry.

I was boiling on the inside one minute, full of rage then I would be in knots with fear and anxiety. I couldn't help but think what would happen if they won...how would be manage financially, how could we look people in the face in our small town and where is the justice in our system because we knew that we hadn't done anything wrong but innocent people are found guilty everyday.

Next Entry: The Total Forgiveness

How Can You Be So Angry and Depressed In A Good Marriage?

As time went along...it seemed like we had gotten "used to living in chaos" all the time...fighting very often with a teenager, being a referee between my husband and my son, raising an toddler to the typical everyday stress in life. Well, "gotten used to it" would be a stretch...it was just part of our everyday life...whether we like it or not. I thought, I was handling it as best as I could but undoubtedly...I wasn't.

I became a very angry person who would explode with the smallest of irritations. I began to scream and yell on a regular basis. The anger and rage was burning within me with such intensity that at times...I was out of control. I begged God from time to time to make it all stop. I didn't care how He stopped it...just stop it. There were times when I would be in a situation that was pushing me over the edge...I would get in my car and leave to escape the situation that I thought was making me so angry. I would beg God to let me have a wreck and die to end the pain. I would also be lying by omission if I didn't say that taking my own life was a thought on two major occasions in my life. Was that thought from God? Absolutely, Not!!! John 10:10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. The enemy knew that I had too much to live for, had too much to offer in ministry to others and he wanted to put a stop to me...he wanted to destroy me, my family and my marriage. Thank you , God...you saw it fit not to answer my prayers...as I have a lot to live for and you didn't allow the enemy to have free rein in my life to do as he wanted to . Those were very, very dark times in my life...full of anger, pain, depression and wanting to escape the misery that I felt. Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

I sought help from a therapist, a psychologist and a psychiatrist...the problem with this was they wanted to treat my anger either through anger management or prescriptions...no one wanted to dig deep down to find out where the anger was coming from. I wanted desperately to know what the source(s) of my anger was. Even, if I could control my anger...the source was still there. Even, if I took medications to help with the symptoms...the source was still there...waiting for another opportunity to rear it's ugly head in my life. I didn't want to mask the true issues but if I was already in pain because of it, then, I wanted to go through the painful process of finding out where it was coming from, get the help that I would need to deal with it and put it behind me.
Ephesians 4:26 Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry--but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry.

When the anger came, depression wasn't far behind and it would last from a few days to several weeks at a time. I took medication from time to time but I kept thinking that I could handle my anger and depression on my own...so I would quit taking it. I would coast along for awhile until I was at my breaking point again.

I am a Christian and I believed that God could heal me...so why did I need to take medication to control this. I battled with feeling like a failure, someone who lacked the faith to be delivered from this or feeling like I had sin in my life from either present or unconfessed sin from my past. I kept believing the lie of the enemy when he would tell me this was the reason that God wasn't delivering me. I never viewed depression as a medical condition and for that reason, I also struggled with taking medication for something that I had been told for many years...."just get over it", "suck it up and deal with it" and "you are no different than any other woman who has children, house to keep and job". I battled with the anger and depression for many, many years.

My family suffered the most because at home...I was just me. They saw the good, the bad and the absolute UGLY! But, they loved me regardless of the ups and downs. The hardest thing of battling with anger and depression is that you try to hide it from the entire outside world. You hide it from your friends, your co-workers, your family and your church family. It got to be so hard to put on a front every time you went out in public...especially to church. You had to smile, talk to people, laugh, socialize and act like your and your family were the happiest that you could possibly be. After years of this ritual...it was wearing me down and it began to seep out for a few others to see. I was determined that I would not let that happen. This became a source of fear and anxiety for me...when would I become overwhelmed again by this "darkness" that weighs you down. Fear, anxiety, anger and depression are feed off of each other...but this is not of God.
II Timothy 1:7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. (Amp.)

When this started happening...I began to stay at home all the time. I quit going to church functions, quit intermingling with others, stayed to myself at work which started the silent suffering that I would do in my own little world. I couldn't afford for people to see what I was battling...they would judge me, they would be able to understand my pain, they would not want anything to do with me and they would think that I deserved this...for some reason. The more that I hid, the more depression settled deep inside and the more the anger burned.

After years and years of suffering...I finally found the one people who could help get me out of this part of my life, see that I was loved by God, I was beautiful in His eyes, I deserved to be happy and accept that if I needed medication...it was ok...it was not from a lack of faith in my loving God. I knew in my heart that God wasn't trying to punish me, torture me and my family and this defeat way that I felt was straight out of the pit of Hell....not from my loving Heavenly Father. God used our wonderful pastor who is full of love, compassion, understanding, full of wisdom and has a big heart for hurting people...he also has a calling on his life to counseling these hurting people. Pastor Rusty met with me, listened to me, prayed with me and for me daily, checked on me, fed me the Word, was patient with me, understood my pain, depression and anger. He never one time told me that I was a bad person, that I deserved what I was getting or that he was disappointed in me. But, instead...he would tell me that I needed to see myself as God saw me, that I was a good person with a big heart, that I had a lot to give to my family, my children and my church, I was valuable, I was a true friend of his and his wife, and as time went on...how much he and his wife had seen me grow spiritually, become more open again, how proud they were of me and how much they loved me. Pastor Rusty takes every Wednesday 9-10 months a year and counsels with anyone who needs counseling...whether they go to our church or not...he doesn't charge for this. He worked with me for 3 years. By this time, we had worked through every situation that had been in my past and was in my present...then when he knew it was time...he pushed me out of the nest. I have been flying sole (with God though) for 2 years now. God knew exactly what I would need in a counselor, in the perfect time of my life and he became one of our dearest friends...who loved me, even after he saw and hear...the good, the bad and all my ugliness. I owe my Heavenly Father so much for never leaving me nor forsaking me but I owe Pastor Rusty more that words can ever say. You're the greatest, Pastor Rusty!