How Can You Be So Angry and Depressed In A Good Marriage?

As time went along...it seemed like we had gotten "used to living in chaos" all the time...fighting very often with a teenager, being a referee between my husband and my son, raising an toddler to the typical everyday stress in life. Well, "gotten used to it" would be a stretch...it was just part of our everyday life...whether we like it or not. I thought, I was handling it as best as I could but undoubtedly...I wasn't.

I became a very angry person who would explode with the smallest of irritations. I began to scream and yell on a regular basis. The anger and rage was burning within me with such intensity that at times...I was out of control. I begged God from time to time to make it all stop. I didn't care how He stopped it...just stop it. There were times when I would be in a situation that was pushing me over the edge...I would get in my car and leave to escape the situation that I thought was making me so angry. I would beg God to let me have a wreck and die to end the pain. I would also be lying by omission if I didn't say that taking my own life was a thought on two major occasions in my life. Was that thought from God? Absolutely, Not!!! John 10:10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. The enemy knew that I had too much to live for, had too much to offer in ministry to others and he wanted to put a stop to me...he wanted to destroy me, my family and my marriage. Thank you , God...you saw it fit not to answer my prayers...as I have a lot to live for and you didn't allow the enemy to have free rein in my life to do as he wanted to . Those were very, very dark times in my life...full of anger, pain, depression and wanting to escape the misery that I felt. Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

I sought help from a therapist, a psychologist and a psychiatrist...the problem with this was they wanted to treat my anger either through anger management or prescriptions...no one wanted to dig deep down to find out where the anger was coming from. I wanted desperately to know what the source(s) of my anger was. Even, if I could control my anger...the source was still there. Even, if I took medications to help with the symptoms...the source was still there...waiting for another opportunity to rear it's ugly head in my life. I didn't want to mask the true issues but if I was already in pain because of it, then, I wanted to go through the painful process of finding out where it was coming from, get the help that I would need to deal with it and put it behind me.
Ephesians 4:26 Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry--but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry.

When the anger came, depression wasn't far behind and it would last from a few days to several weeks at a time. I took medication from time to time but I kept thinking that I could handle my anger and depression on my own...so I would quit taking it. I would coast along for awhile until I was at my breaking point again.

I am a Christian and I believed that God could heal me...so why did I need to take medication to control this. I battled with feeling like a failure, someone who lacked the faith to be delivered from this or feeling like I had sin in my life from either present or unconfessed sin from my past. I kept believing the lie of the enemy when he would tell me this was the reason that God wasn't delivering me. I never viewed depression as a medical condition and for that reason, I also struggled with taking medication for something that I had been told for many years...."just get over it", "suck it up and deal with it" and "you are no different than any other woman who has children, house to keep and job". I battled with the anger and depression for many, many years.

My family suffered the most because at home...I was just me. They saw the good, the bad and the absolute UGLY! But, they loved me regardless of the ups and downs. The hardest thing of battling with anger and depression is that you try to hide it from the entire outside world. You hide it from your friends, your co-workers, your family and your church family. It got to be so hard to put on a front every time you went out in public...especially to church. You had to smile, talk to people, laugh, socialize and act like your and your family were the happiest that you could possibly be. After years of this ritual...it was wearing me down and it began to seep out for a few others to see. I was determined that I would not let that happen. This became a source of fear and anxiety for me...when would I become overwhelmed again by this "darkness" that weighs you down. Fear, anxiety, anger and depression are feed off of each other...but this is not of God.
II Timothy 1:7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. (Amp.)

When this started happening...I began to stay at home all the time. I quit going to church functions, quit intermingling with others, stayed to myself at work which started the silent suffering that I would do in my own little world. I couldn't afford for people to see what I was battling...they would judge me, they would be able to understand my pain, they would not want anything to do with me and they would think that I deserved this...for some reason. The more that I hid, the more depression settled deep inside and the more the anger burned.

After years and years of suffering...I finally found the one people who could help get me out of this part of my life, see that I was loved by God, I was beautiful in His eyes, I deserved to be happy and accept that if I needed medication...it was ok...it was not from a lack of faith in my loving God. I knew in my heart that God wasn't trying to punish me, torture me and my family and this defeat way that I felt was straight out of the pit of Hell....not from my loving Heavenly Father. God used our wonderful pastor who is full of love, compassion, understanding, full of wisdom and has a big heart for hurting people...he also has a calling on his life to counseling these hurting people. Pastor Rusty met with me, listened to me, prayed with me and for me daily, checked on me, fed me the Word, was patient with me, understood my pain, depression and anger. He never one time told me that I was a bad person, that I deserved what I was getting or that he was disappointed in me. But, instead...he would tell me that I needed to see myself as God saw me, that I was a good person with a big heart, that I had a lot to give to my family, my children and my church, I was valuable, I was a true friend of his and his wife, and as time went on...how much he and his wife had seen me grow spiritually, become more open again, how proud they were of me and how much they loved me. Pastor Rusty takes every Wednesday 9-10 months a year and counsels with anyone who needs counseling...whether they go to our church or not...he doesn't charge for this. He worked with me for 3 years. By this time, we had worked through every situation that had been in my past and was in my present...then when he knew it was time...he pushed me out of the nest. I have been flying sole (with God though) for 2 years now. God knew exactly what I would need in a counselor, in the perfect time of my life and he became one of our dearest friends...who loved me, even after he saw and hear...the good, the bad and all my ugliness. I owe my Heavenly Father so much for never leaving me nor forsaking me but I owe Pastor Rusty more that words can ever say. You're the greatest, Pastor Rusty!