Personal Attacks Against Your Family

Before I get into the healing that came from a total of 3 years counseling with Pastor Rusty...things had to get worse before they could get better. The attacks of the enemy didn't stop because he saw that I was trying to get the help that I needed but he wanted to kick me while I was down.

I had my days when I cried out to God..."are you there? do you care that we are going through yet another attack? why is this happening? what are we doing wrong? why are you not stopping this mess?" I have been so sick of battle after battle...I just want to catch a break...I wanted to just coast for just a little bit. Is that too much to ask??? I wasn't angry with God because this was all happening but bewildered because He was intervening and stopping it. I was a Child of the King...I was royalty...couldn't I get just a little special treatment?

There was a situation with a neighbor that we became good friends with, we had dinner at their house, they at ours, kids played together daily, I went to the doctor with her, held her hand and talked about going on a vacation together. We had sold them a house 3 years prior to this. Then out of the clear blue...she quit speaking to us...we asked what was wrong...no reply. Her husband wasn't allowed to talk to us either. We thought it was because we had our house up for sale and were moving again. We had sold them our first home together, built a house that ended up being too big for us...too much time maintaining it and the yard...we never had time to do anything as a family anymore...we were either cleaning the house, working in the yard or working to pay for it...it got to where it wasn't any fun anymore...all our blood, sweat and tear...we had subcontracted and build it ourselves...it wasn't worth it anymore. We sold it and bought the house that was next door to our first home because it was going through foreclosure and a great deal. However, after about 1 1/2 years...it was way too small. So...we put it up for sale and were moving back to the subdivision that we originally built in...to a house that was in between the size of the two houses. They had their's up for sale and it didn't sell plus there were some family issues going on and they really wanted to move. It just wasn't happening. We thought they were angry with us because our house was selling again and we were moving. We always had great luck selling our houses...the 1st one...sold and it wasn't on the market yet, the big house sold within two weeks on the market and this house sold within 2 months on the market.

We heard rumors as to what the problem was but nothing concrete. We moved January 3rd, 2003 and didn't have any further contact with our former neighbors/friends. On July 4th, 2003 at straight noon...we had a knock on our door just as we were headed out to a friends get together to celebrate the 4th of July. We were served with a lawsuit! Happy 4th of July!!!!

Needless to say, I was sick to my stomach and the battle was just beginning. They (former neighbor/friends) were suing us for the house that we sold them in May 1999...4 years before. They were grasping for straws...looking for a quick fix to their's not selling and revenge for what....we still don't know. Their statement was that when they got through with us and two realtors...they would have the biggest house in C********* County.

Anyway, now add fear and anxiety to the anger and depression. I was a big mess now. My mind was running in all kinds of directions...what if this, what if that. They were suing the realtor who represented us and the realtor that represented them plus us. Lies, lies and more lies.

They sad thing about our wonderful country....anyone can sue anyone for anything and YOU have to pay to defend yourselves. Unlike, Canada...if you file a frivolous lawsuit and lose...you have to pay the other parties attorney's fees and court cost....NOT IN THE GOOD OLE USA! If we had a law like that...there wouldn't be all the lawsuits that plague our country nor would we have to watch all the attorney commercials on television.

This lawsuit lasted from start to finish....4 different court dates, lots of documentation, many, many hours of research (me and one of the other realtors...did most of our attorney's work for them) and 3 years...the price tag for something like this...$12,000.+. I worked at my job for 3 years to pay for our attorney. If you don't think that will add to your anger....think again. For what???? Nothing! I will talk more about the events of this 3 years in a later entry.

I was boiling on the inside one minute, full of rage then I would be in knots with fear and anxiety. I couldn't help but think what would happen if they won...how would be manage financially, how could we look people in the face in our small town and where is the justice in our system because we knew that we hadn't done anything wrong but innocent people are found guilty everyday.

Next Entry: The Total Forgiveness

How Can You Be So Angry and Depressed In A Good Marriage?

As time went along...it seemed like we had gotten "used to living in chaos" all the time...fighting very often with a teenager, being a referee between my husband and my son, raising an toddler to the typical everyday stress in life. Well, "gotten used to it" would be a stretch...it was just part of our everyday life...whether we like it or not. I thought, I was handling it as best as I could but undoubtedly...I wasn't.

I became a very angry person who would explode with the smallest of irritations. I began to scream and yell on a regular basis. The anger and rage was burning within me with such intensity that at times...I was out of control. I begged God from time to time to make it all stop. I didn't care how He stopped it...just stop it. There were times when I would be in a situation that was pushing me over the edge...I would get in my car and leave to escape the situation that I thought was making me so angry. I would beg God to let me have a wreck and die to end the pain. I would also be lying by omission if I didn't say that taking my own life was a thought on two major occasions in my life. Was that thought from God? Absolutely, Not!!! John 10:10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. The enemy knew that I had too much to live for, had too much to offer in ministry to others and he wanted to put a stop to me...he wanted to destroy me, my family and my marriage. Thank you , God...you saw it fit not to answer my prayers...as I have a lot to live for and you didn't allow the enemy to have free rein in my life to do as he wanted to . Those were very, very dark times in my life...full of anger, pain, depression and wanting to escape the misery that I felt. Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

I sought help from a therapist, a psychologist and a psychiatrist...the problem with this was they wanted to treat my anger either through anger management or prescriptions...no one wanted to dig deep down to find out where the anger was coming from. I wanted desperately to know what the source(s) of my anger was. Even, if I could control my anger...the source was still there. Even, if I took medications to help with the symptoms...the source was still there...waiting for another opportunity to rear it's ugly head in my life. I didn't want to mask the true issues but if I was already in pain because of it, then, I wanted to go through the painful process of finding out where it was coming from, get the help that I would need to deal with it and put it behind me.
Ephesians 4:26 Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry--but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry.

When the anger came, depression wasn't far behind and it would last from a few days to several weeks at a time. I took medication from time to time but I kept thinking that I could handle my anger and depression on my own...so I would quit taking it. I would coast along for awhile until I was at my breaking point again.

I am a Christian and I believed that God could heal me...so why did I need to take medication to control this. I battled with feeling like a failure, someone who lacked the faith to be delivered from this or feeling like I had sin in my life from either present or unconfessed sin from my past. I kept believing the lie of the enemy when he would tell me this was the reason that God wasn't delivering me. I never viewed depression as a medical condition and for that reason, I also struggled with taking medication for something that I had been told for many years...."just get over it", "suck it up and deal with it" and "you are no different than any other woman who has children, house to keep and job". I battled with the anger and depression for many, many years.

My family suffered the most because at home...I was just me. They saw the good, the bad and the absolute UGLY! But, they loved me regardless of the ups and downs. The hardest thing of battling with anger and depression is that you try to hide it from the entire outside world. You hide it from your friends, your co-workers, your family and your church family. It got to be so hard to put on a front every time you went out in public...especially to church. You had to smile, talk to people, laugh, socialize and act like your and your family were the happiest that you could possibly be. After years of this ritual...it was wearing me down and it began to seep out for a few others to see. I was determined that I would not let that happen. This became a source of fear and anxiety for me...when would I become overwhelmed again by this "darkness" that weighs you down. Fear, anxiety, anger and depression are feed off of each other...but this is not of God.
II Timothy 1:7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. (Amp.)

When this started happening...I began to stay at home all the time. I quit going to church functions, quit intermingling with others, stayed to myself at work which started the silent suffering that I would do in my own little world. I couldn't afford for people to see what I was battling...they would judge me, they would be able to understand my pain, they would not want anything to do with me and they would think that I deserved this...for some reason. The more that I hid, the more depression settled deep inside and the more the anger burned.

After years and years of suffering...I finally found the one people who could help get me out of this part of my life, see that I was loved by God, I was beautiful in His eyes, I deserved to be happy and accept that if I needed medication...it was ok...it was not from a lack of faith in my loving God. I knew in my heart that God wasn't trying to punish me, torture me and my family and this defeat way that I felt was straight out of the pit of Hell....not from my loving Heavenly Father. God used our wonderful pastor who is full of love, compassion, understanding, full of wisdom and has a big heart for hurting people...he also has a calling on his life to counseling these hurting people. Pastor Rusty met with me, listened to me, prayed with me and for me daily, checked on me, fed me the Word, was patient with me, understood my pain, depression and anger. He never one time told me that I was a bad person, that I deserved what I was getting or that he was disappointed in me. But, instead...he would tell me that I needed to see myself as God saw me, that I was a good person with a big heart, that I had a lot to give to my family, my children and my church, I was valuable, I was a true friend of his and his wife, and as time went on...how much he and his wife had seen me grow spiritually, become more open again, how proud they were of me and how much they loved me. Pastor Rusty takes every Wednesday 9-10 months a year and counsels with anyone who needs counseling...whether they go to our church or not...he doesn't charge for this. He worked with me for 3 years. By this time, we had worked through every situation that had been in my past and was in my present...then when he knew it was time...he pushed me out of the nest. I have been flying sole (with God though) for 2 years now. God knew exactly what I would need in a counselor, in the perfect time of my life and he became one of our dearest friends...who loved me, even after he saw and hear...the good, the bad and all my ugliness. I owe my Heavenly Father so much for never leaving me nor forsaking me but I owe Pastor Rusty more that words can ever say. You're the greatest, Pastor Rusty!

Brandon Came Home and Left Again

Are you having fun riding the roller coaster ride of our blended family? Well, I certainly hope so because the ride is not over yet!

Brandon lived with his father (I don't feel that "daddy" is appropriate for him because daddy is also a term of endearment, so to speak...over and above being a biological father...he wasn't) for just over a year but things weren't rosy there either. His father didn't really care where he was, who he was with, when he came home or even...if he came home at all. Now this would seem like every teenager's dream world but I'm quite sure that he would tell you today that he hurt him deeply to have his father act like he really didn't care. He was more of his "buddy"...not his father. Even though, at the time...I was the evil mother because we had boundaries, rules and expected a lot from him...in his grades, in the form of respect and just personally. It wasn't to be mean or punish him...but because we loved him and wanted the very best for him.

During his time away...I feel, shaped many different things in Brandon's life that might have been different if he had ONLY HAD A LOVING FATHER...his biological father...the one that he longed for and desperately wanted his love and attention. My heart breaks every time I write about this subject and it still makes me furious...all at the same time. My son deserved so much more!

His father brought him to our house on afternoon after having another one of their explosive episodes...he was having just as hard of a time handling him as I did. It wasn't as easy as he thought it was going to be but you have to take the role of parent...loving, firm, rule setter and enforcer...not his friend. After they had it out in our driveway...his father threw his stuff out of his truck and said "here he is...you take him...I'm through'. Well, you know, you have to actually start something before you can be finished with it. Anyway, that day...Brandon moved back in with us.

We had moved since he left home to go live with his father and this house only had 3 bedrooms. I had taken the job of insurance billing for the OB/GYN that I still work for...from home. The 3rd bedroom was my office. We had his futon already in there...so we shared a space for about 8-9 months...during his senior year in high school.

This time was not completely smooth but it did seem to be better than before he left just after he turned 16 before. We bought him a little car, got him a cell phone and got him settled in to finish school, then it would be off to college. That was our plans......

He drove like his mother...fast! He got one speeding ticket in the school zone that I got him out of, at which time...I told him that it was his ONLY get out of jail free card...anymore...he was on his own. It wasn't long and he got another speeding ticket in town and we made him go to court. Of course, he was a minor and I had to go with him plus I knew the judge...he ended up with 8 hours of community service and driving school. He also had to "be good" for 3 months and it would not show up on his record. Ok, you would think that he had learned his lesson...right?

WRONG! He knew how much trouble he was going to be in if he got anymore speeding tickets, being that he was on our insurance and the car was in my name! It was only 4 months later...I get an envelope in the mail from the juvenile department in Memphis. I thought that was weird and it was addressed to Brandon. I called him on his cell phone and told him what I had received. He said he didn't know what it could be and to open it.

Guess what it was? It was another speeding ticket doing 50 in a 35...however, in Memphis...if the driver is a minor, they have to issue him a juvenile ticket...not an adult ticket. When the ticket was turned in by the officer and processed...they realized what had happened...changed the ticket to the juvenile department, reissued it and mailed it to the house. Needless to say...he had to park the car. We made his get a ride to and from school or his mom would drive him and his little brother to school. How humilating is that for a senior to be dropped off at school by your mom? He wasn't even allowed to drive to his own prom...she drove.

Sometime over the next couple of weeks, I was talking to his father and telling him about what had happened. We were comparing notes because he said that Brandon had told him that he got a ticket but he couldn't tell me. He said it was on the interstate and I said "no, was in Memphis". He said that it was a state trooper and I said "no, it was a city police officer". Things were not matching up. Finally, his father said "you better call municipal court and see if he has gotten another ticket that you don't know about".

I called and guess what????? You got it! He got another ticket 4 days after the one in Memphis except this time....he was doing 102 down the interstate in a Geo Prism!

Oh, my goodness....I was livid!!!!! I called him on his cell phone and told him that he had better come home at lunch, removed his new CD player out of the car because I was selling the car. I told him that he was not going to kill himself or someone else in a car that was in my name. Not to mention, everyone is sue happy these days...I didn't need to be sued because of his recklessness.

He came home at lunch, got his CD player out of his car...I had already removed everything else from it...I was still furious. We had it out again...it was not pretty, to say the least. That was 4 tickets in 6 months time...the last 2 were 4 days apart. Good grief!

Brandon didn't like to be told what to do, controlled and he still doesn't...so he told me that he was leaving. He also told me that the only reason that he was living with us was for the car and if I took that away from him...then he didn't have any reason to stay here any longer.

It was 2 weeks before graduation! Believe me when I say...it only got uglier from there. It was a battle of the wills, who's in control, who was going to tell who what to do and who was determined to win. He thought he had all these rights as a teenager and I was determined to show him that he didn't. Everything that he owned was given to him by us and they were all in our house. Well...the police were involved before it was over. He lived with two friends and their stepmother until graduation.

This should have been one of the happiest times of our lives...our son's graduation from high school, going to college plus we were renovating a rent house in Memphis for him and a friend to live in while they were to college there.

I did tell him when he left that day that if he chose to leave then he was on his own. He would not have a car, a cell phone, a permanent roof over his head, college paid for and I would not support him financially either. He was angry and so was I...he said that he didn't care and left.

Did I handle everything correctly? No way! I was so angry and hurt...at the time...more angry, but the hurt and pain were hidden beneath the anger in the moment. When the anger subsided...this mother's heart was broken! Can you say...FAILURE? That is what I felt like once again. It wasn't the way this mother had dreamed her life with her precious son would turn out to be.

The old saying...What doesn't kill you, will make you stronger...is the truth. Brandon and I both are stronger, smarter, wiser, appreciate and love each other more since then...but it has taken quite some time...a couple of years after he graduated in 2004 to reach that point. He is still my beautiful, precious son...who I love with all my heart...in spite of all the pain that we both caused each other...in the learning experience of raising a son, a teenager and watching him grow into a man. Man, if only children would come from the womb with an instruction manual in their tiny little hands! Life would certainly be much easier...but each one of our children are unique, different, special, precious and we wouldn't want it any other way.

Next Entry: The Pain of a Mother's Breaking Heart