I Need More Time...I Want More Time

"I can't take much more of this"

"Is there ever an end to this?"

"I am so tired"

"I am being buried alive"

These are things that my mind and body are screaming tonight. I am so overwhelmed and stressed out that my chest hurts...there is such a tightness in my chest. I feel like I'm going to snap at any given moment or just start crying.

I'm just being completely honest right now with what I'm feeling. There is never enough time in my day to get all the things done that need to be done.

You might say "prioritize and do what is most important".

Well, to me...they are all important! So, let me just unload here for a few minutes and tell you what a typical day is like for me.

• I get up at 6:30 AM
• get Tyler up
• get my shower
• fix his breakfast
• eat mine while drying my hair
• put make-up on
• out the door by 7:40 AM
• take him to school
• come back home
• walk into my home office
• read my devotion...I have to pray all day long
• start working
• might break 15-30 minutes for lunch
• leave here at 2:50 PM
• pick him up from school
• see how his day was on the drive home
• go back to work
• he and I chat more about his day while I'm working
• get off work anywhere from 5-6 PM
• fix supper or we grab whatever we can find
• start the laundry
• clean up the kitchen
• write on my blog
• check email and reply
• pay bills and/or deal with budget and checkbook
• try to spend time with my husband if he's not at the police dept.
• run to Wal-Mart if needed during the week but try not to
• read the paper
• open the mail
• put the dog out to potty all day long and bath her 2-3 times a month because she goes to the groomer every 4 weeks for a haircut and bath
• have to clean litter box twice a week, feed the cat
• take a bath...can't even enjoy it lately because I don't get in there until 10 PM
• get in the bed
• watch some tv to relax
• get to sleep around 11:30-midnight...usually about 6 hours a sleep a night
• (I don't do all of this everyday but they all demand my time)
• I read my Bible, but I pray from the time I get up until I go to bed. I have set up a system for praying for those on my prayer list...I pray for certain ones in the shower, ones while I'm drying my hair, ones while I driving, ones while I'm at my desk and so forth.

You need to know that I have a very intense personality and want things clean plus organized. When it's not...it drives me crazy. Clutter drives me crazy!!! Needless to say...I've been crazy for awhile now because things have been a far cry from organized and clean on a daily basis around here. I'm no where near as bad as I used to be because I've realized which things are important and those that aren't plus my son is growing up so fast and I'm getting too old to keep up the pace that I used to.

I'm so tired and I feel like I'm going to drop in my tracks. I don't get outside much except to take Ty to school and pick him up. We will be back to carpooling because he starts off season football training in another week or so. This means, I will pick him and the other boys up once every three weeks...which means, that I will only get out of the house in the mornings to take him to school. I don't get any fresh air or sunshine Monday - Thursday.

I set my own hours for my job and I need the income from a 40 hour week but wish I could cut back my hours like I used to work...but...still get paid for 40. Bills, bills and more bills...college tuition coming soon, Ty will need a car in a couple of years, house needs upkeep and improvements...money, money and more money. I can't afford to drop any hours. The problem is...when I get off work, as do most of you...you have another job(s) to do as a wife, mother and housekeeper. It seems to be a vicious cycle around here. I want off this merry-go-around because it's not so merry right now.

My house is a disaster area during the week because I just don't have the time to do that too. I will try to vacuum and sweep during the week, if time allows. I work (4) 10 hour days so that I can be off on Friday.

Friday, being my day off from my job but it is not my day off from my responsibilities as a wife, housekeeper and mother. I have to try to clean the house (deeper), run errands, buy groceries plus anything extra that arises.

I do have a wonderful husband, who has been taking Tyler to school on Friday so that I can sleep in because by then...I'm exhausted. I'm not getting any younger.

Now, with football games (we are finished with that now), Tyler's extra activities and meetings, church and the extra things that come up during the week...they take away from me doing these things at night. So...it all piles up.

We are trying to get ourselves on a tight budget and that has taken so much of my time to organize all of that. Plus, we have investment properties (rent houses) that has demanded so much of our time in the past...thank goodness, we are getting out of that business.

Some nights...I just become defiant and just sit down...do nothing all night...but, I pay the price the next day when there is twice as much to do.

I've tried the schedule where my son and hubby help out...but something always seems to keep them from it. My husband has a good excuse because when he is at the police department...he is working two full time jobs. He gets up at 5:30 AM goes to work, comes home, change clothes and off to the police department until midnight. This is not all the time but they are short handed and it has been quite a bit over the past couple of months....so, he's not home much.

Up until last week, Tyler had football practice everyday after school until 5:30-6:00 PM, came home, got snack, did homework, ate supper, played some video games, took shower, watched some tv with us and went to bed. He didn't have any time available either. That will start back in another week or so when the senior high is finished with their games because he will be in the 10th next week...they will do off season with the high school. (9th grade is still jr. high here)

I don't want to disappoint or let my family down plus, I handle all the finances...so, if things are bad or not properly managed in that area...I feel like it is all my fault. I do this to myself...probably...because Roger doesn't...he is wonderful, understanding and helpful...when he has the time.

I'm not looking for sympathy or anything...just needed to vent tonight. It is now 11:20 PM, I'm tired and going to bed.

I will be more positive and "cheery" on the next post. But, for now...it is what it is. I'm sorry...I know this is a lot of rambling.

These verses are for me...I'm preaching to myself here :) I just have to do it and make all this work out...I really do well with time-management...I just don't have enough time in the day...24 hours isn't enough...how about 36-48? That would be better :) That is not reality...fixing the problem is.

Job 30:27

The churning inside me never stops; days of suffering confront me. (NIV)

Matthew 11:28-30

(28) Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls]. (29) Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest ( relief and ease and refreshment and recreation and blessed quiet) for your souls. (30) For My yoke is wholesome (useful, good--not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, and pleasant), and My burden is light and easy to be borne. (Amplified)

Too Many Irons In The Fire

I woke up again this Monday morning battling anxiety. I began to search through my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions and my life to find the source of the anxiety this week. I knew where it was coming from last week and God answered those prayers regarding the situation causing the anxiety, as well as the anxiety itself. Praise The Lord! God is so good!

I realized what the problem is this week and I was already aware of this but didn't realize it would be causing me to battle with anxiety.

Too many irons in the fire!

I am normally a very organized person who if you asked me for something...I could lay my hands on it immediately.

Everything has a place and everything should be in it's place is my motto.

Well...you couldn't tell it from my house and my life these days. There is so much chaos, projects started but yet to be completed, overload of work in my job, long work hours 4 days a week, longing to simplify our lives and not enough time to do the things that I want to do.

I used to be a million times worse than I am now on organization and perfectionism, but as I get older...things become less important. As I watch the years fly by and my baby growing up so fast...I get overwhelmed and emotional thinking about it.

So, I ask myself..."What part of this mess can you, Jennifer, control?"

Well...I am setting my sights on completing one unfinished project at a time...starting with my dining room which has been a disaster for 3 weeks now. It is 90% complete but finding the time to actually finish the project has been the problem...well, finding the energy to climb up and down the ladder to paint the crown molding is more like it.

Here's a few more irons in the fire that I have...

• find affordable health insurance for our family....SOON!
• complete our budget...target...be debt free...spent the weekend talking about Roger retiring in 10 years and where we want to be financially...yikes...we aren't ready yet!
• organize office after rearranging furniture
• get new desk picked up and brought home...the arrangement now is too cramped...always tripping over stuff
• organize office closet where all my work files are kept, office supplies and personal stuff...can't find anything
• hang new office drapes...after moving rod up and patching holes in window facing
• catch the laundry up...way behind
• caulk Tyler's bathtub...used new brand caulk...must have been bad...peeled off within a week....grrrrrrr. Actually, this will be the 3rd time in a month that I have done it...won't use that brand of caulk again!
• finish patching and sanding the sheetrock in his bathroom
• paint his bathroom...had the paint for 2 months now...going to try my hand at striping it...oh boy!
• do Fall yard work
• clean out garage and attic
• oh....did I mention...I'm having a garage sale the 1st of October

Ok...I know what you are thinking...I am bringing all this on myself...well, you're right but it all needs to be done and several projects have been started and are screaming to be finished NOW.

I am overwhelmed right now.

After a 10 hour day at work...I don't have the energy or desire to do too much at night and weekends are too short as it is. I enjoy doing all of these type of projects and don't usually ask for help.

Not to mention that Roger is working his full-time job and working the police department 5 nights this week, off on Saturday (he'll be a zombie) and then back on for 5 more nights...till midnight. He gets up at 6 AM, gets ready, at work by 7 AM, gets off around 4:30, comes home, changes clothes, goes to police department and works to midnight...comes home, eats, showers, goes to bed and gets up at 6 AM to start it all over again. Thank you, Lord...this is not normal and won't last but a couple of weeks.

As much as I want to finish this stuff...it will not come before family time with Roger and Tyler. I made that mistake years ago...having to make sure the house was clean, organized and the yard is all done before spending time with Brandon and Tyler. I missed a lot of good times that I can't ever get back and I won't do it again.

So...anxiety and worry...you have no place in my heart, mind or home. The Word of God speaks clearly about worry.

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (NIV)

Matthew 6:27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? (NIV)

New Motto: One thing at a time!

Who Are You Today?

I woke up this morning with an enormous amount of anxiety...like a cloak...weighing heavy on me and my spirit.

I started asking myself..."what is it that you are anxious about?". It didn't take but a second and I knew immediately what the source of the problem was. I started praying over the problem and the source, but yet the anxiety didn't leave.

The more that I dwelt on the source, the harder my heart began to pound, fear began to creep in and I got physically sick to my stomach. The problem is that the source doesn't deal directly with me but indirectly. The source is one that is out of my reach and out of my control. I feel helpless in the situation...wanting to help, wanting to protect, wanted to get involved, wanted to "take care" of the situation...but it is not mine to handle.

I have continually felt God telling me to stay out of it, keep my mouth shut and just pray. Pray for the ones that are directly affected by the source of the problem...lift them up to Him, give it to Him, leave it at His feet. However, we all know this is what we are told to do but it is one of the hardest things to do especially when you see the hurt that someone else is suffering because of the source.

As my mind began to run away with me, the fear, imaginations, anxiety and even, anger began to consume me. I stopped and asked God to speak to me through His Word...He lead me to the following:

Romans 8:28-39 ... Purple...verses that are highlighted in my Bible...ones I stood on before!
(28)And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
(29)For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.
(30)And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
(31)What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?
(32)He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
(33)Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.
(34)Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died--more than that, who was raised to life--is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.
(35)Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
(36)As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
(37)No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
(38)For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,
(39)neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord

I want to be more than a conqueror...I want to be victorious, walk in peace and in the freedom that He promises me...if I just put my trust in Him to handle the situation and those involved.

So, who are you today?

Are you more than a conqueror or are you a prisoner of spiritual warfare?

If you are held in bondage by the enemy...break free today!

Put your faith and trust in Jesus Christ.

Take your hurts, needs, offenses, heartache, betrayals, fear, anxiety and your anger to Him.

Tell Him what is going on in your life and ask Him to take full control...but you have to willingly give it to Him...He won't take it from you if you aren't willing to let go.

Trust Him and leave it with him.

Walk free today, my friend...I am!!!

One of my favorite songs...says it all!

Title: Completely (Ana Laura)

The secret of life is letting go
the secret of love is letting it show
in all that I do
in all that I say
right here in this moment

the power of prayer is in a humble cry
the power of change is in giving my life
and laying it down
down at your feet
right here in this moment

chorus:
take my heart
take my soul
I surrender everything to your control
and let all that is with in me lift up to you and say
I am yours and yours alone completely

This journey of life is a search for truth
this journey of faith is following you
every step of the way
through the joy and the pain right here in this moment

Chorus Vamp:
right here, right now, and for the rest of my life
Hear me say

Chorus I am yours and yours alone
Completely