"I can't take much more of this"
"Is there ever an end to this?"
"I am so tired"
"I am being buried alive"
These are things that my mind and body are screaming tonight. I am so overwhelmed and stressed out that my chest hurts...there is such a tightness in my chest. I feel like I'm going to snap at any given moment or just start crying.
I'm just being completely honest right now with what I'm feeling. There is never enough time in my day to get all the things done that need to be done.
You might say "prioritize and do what is most important".
Well, to me...they are all important! So, let me just unload here for a few minutes and tell you what a typical day is like for me.
- I get up at 6:30 AM
- get Tyler up
- get my shower
- fix his breakfast
- eat mine while drying my hair
- put make-up on
- out the door by 7:40 AM
- take him to school
- come back home
- walk into my home office
- read my devotion...I have to pray all day long
- start working
- might break 15-30 minutes for lunch
- leave here at 2:50 PM
- pick him up from school
- see how his day was on the drive home
- go back to work
- he and I chat more about his day while I'm working
- get off work anywhere from 5-6 PM
- fix supper or we grab whatever we can find
- start the laundry
- clean up the kitchen
- write on my blog
- check email and reply
- pay bills and/or deal with budget and checkbook
- try to spend time with my husband if he's not at the police dept.
- run to Wal-Mart if needed during the week but try not to
- read the paper
- open the mail
- put the dog out to potty all day long and bath her 2-3 times a month because she goes to the groomer every 4 weeks for a haircut and bath
- have to clean litter box twice a week, feed the cat
- take a bath...can't even enjoy it lately because I don't get in there until 10 PM
- get in the bed
- watch some tv to relax
- get to sleep around 11:30-midnight...usually about 6 hours a sleep a night
- (I don't do all of this everyday but they all demand my time)
- I read my Bible, but I pray from the time I get up until I go to bed. I have set up a system for praying for those on my prayer list...I pray for certain ones in the shower, ones while I'm drying my hair, ones while I driving, ones while I'm at my desk and so forth.
You need to know that I have a very intense personality and want things clean plus organized. When it's not...it drives me crazy. Clutter drives me crazy!!! Needless to say...I've been crazy for awhile now because things have been a far cry from organized and clean on a daily basis around here. I'm no where near as bad as I used to be because I've realized which things are important and those that aren't plus my son is growing up so fast and I'm getting too old to keep up the pace that I used to.
I'm so tired and I feel like I'm going to drop in my tracks. I don't get outside much except to take Ty to school and pick him up. We will be back to carpooling because he starts off season football training in another week or so. This means, I will pick him and the other boys up once every three weeks...which means, that I will only get out of the house in the mornings to take him to school. I don't get any fresh air or sunshine Monday - Thursday.
I set my own hours for my job and I need the income from a 40 hour week but wish I could cut back my hours like I used to work...but...still get paid for 40. Bills, bills and more bills...college tuition coming soon, Ty will need a car in a couple of years, house needs upkeep and improvements...money, money and more money. I can't afford to drop any hours. The problem is...when I get off work, as do most of you...you have another job(s) to do as a wife, mother and housekeeper. It seems to be a vicious cycle around here. I want off this merry-go-around because it's not so merry right now.
My house is a disaster area during the week because I just don't have the time to do that too. I will try to vacuum and sweep during the week, if time allows. I work (4) 10 hour days so that I can be off on Friday.
Friday, being my day off from my job but it is not my day off from my responsibilities as a wife, housekeeper and mother. I have to try to clean the house (deeper), run errands, buy groceries plus anything extra that arises.
I do have a wonderful husband, who has been taking Tyler to school on Friday so that I can sleep in because by then...I'm exhausted. I'm not getting any younger.
Now, with football games (we are finished with that now), Tyler's extra activities and meetings, church and the extra things that come up during the week...they take away from me doing these things at night. So...it all piles up.
We are trying to get ourselves on a tight budget and that has taken so much of my time to organize all of that. Plus, we have investment properties (rent houses) that has demanded so much of our time in the past...thank goodness, we are getting out of that business.
Some nights...I just become defiant and just sit down...do nothing all night...but, I pay the price the next day when there is twice as much to do.
I've tried the schedule where my son and hubby help out...but something always seems to keep them from it. My husband has a good excuse because when he is at the police department...he is working two full time jobs. He gets up at 5:30 AM goes to work, comes home, change clothes and off to the police department until midnight. This is not all the time but they are short handed and it has been quite a bit over the past couple of months....so, he's not home much.
Up until last week, Tyler had football practice everyday after school until 5:30-6:00 PM, came home, got snack, did homework, ate supper, played some video games, took shower, watched some tv with us and went to bed. He didn't have any time available either. That will start back in another week or so when the senior high is finished with their games because he will be in the 10th next week...they will do off season with the high school. (9th grade is still jr. high here)
I don't want to disappoint or let my family down plus, I handle all the finances...so, if things are bad or not properly managed in that area...I feel like it is all my fault. I do this to myself...probably...because Roger doesn't...he is wonderful, understanding and helpful...when he has the time.
I'm not looking for sympathy or anything...just needed to vent tonight. It is now 11:20 PM, I'm tired and going to bed.
I will be more positive and "cheery" on the next post. But, for now...it is what it is. I'm sorry...I know this is a lot of rambling.
These verses are for me...I'm preaching to myself here :) I just have to do it and make all this work out...I really do well with time-management...I just don't have enough time in the day...24 hours isn't enough...how about 36-48? That would be better :) That is not reality...fixing the problem is.
The churning inside me never stops; days of suffering confront me. (NIV)
(28) Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls]. (29) Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest ( relief and ease and refreshment and recreation and blessed quiet) for your souls. (30) For My yoke is wholesome (useful, good--not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, and pleasant), and My burden is light and easy to be borne. (Amplified)