Excitement and Anticipation Abound

I am sitting here in my hotel room in the Great Smoky Mountains while my guys are about 30 minutes away at a football camp in North Carolina with Tyler's Uncle Marty's (Roger's brother) team. I just heard from Tyler and he just finished their first 4 hour practice, had an unlimited pizza feast and was ready for bed. Their next practice is at 6 AM tomorrow and 3 more will follow that day. I am drving back down there to watch their scrimmage at 2 PM.

As I sit here alone except for the company of my sweet dog, Biscuit , my anticipation and excitement is building toward our trip from North Carolina on to Florida on Sunday.

The end of May, Laurie and I went to meet Laurie Ann, my 1st meeting of a bloggy sister and now, I've been bitten by the "meet your bloggy sister bug". LOL!

Now, I am going to meet my 2nd ever bloggy sister, Kim from Homesteaders Heart who has so generously offered us a place to stay at the beach. While we are there, Debra from Clothed With Scarlet will come down for a day at the beach as well. So, that means meeting bloggy sister #3.

We will be staying with them from Sunday evening until mid-day on Thursday. We are planning on just relaxing, enjoying the beach, sun, sand and making memories as a family but also with new friends.

Kim...just a word of warning...we are from Arkansas and I know, I sound "country". That is why I have put off calling but type instead. LOL! *sigh* It's ok if you laugh at our southern drawl.

Then, it is off to Orlando where we will stay for 2 1/2 days. We have to check in the hotel, so my sweet doggy will have a cool place to stay while we hit 3 parks in 2 1/2 days. We are going to Wet 'n Wild on Thursday evening. I figured that after several days at the beach, we wouldn't mind going to a water park at night...they stay open till 9 PM. Then it will be off to Universal Studios on Friday and Sea World on Saturday before getting up early Sunday morning for a nearly 12+ hour drive home. Ughhh...I dread that part of the trip :-(

Friday morning, is another bonus to the already memory making trip. I am meeting Lisa with Sharing Life with Lisa. She is picking me up at our hotel Friday morning for breakfast and a time of fellowshipping together.

If you had asked me over a year ago if I would ever be willing to go meet ladies that I have "talked" to online...I would have said "no way!" There are a few friends that don't write blogs, read blogs or follow blogs that thinks this is very "brave" of me/us to do this. But, after following these ladies blogs, being their friends on Facebook and emailing...I feel like I already know these ladies just haven't met them face to face.

Ladies, I am so excited that all the planning is over and that we are going to be meeting in just a few short days. Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedules to meet me and my family on this memorable trip to the Sunshine State.

Have a wonderfully blessed day!

This and That...Part II

Wood Family Reunion
June 20th, 2009

I haven't attended my daddy's side family reunion in many years due to a "riff" with another family member but God restored that relationship in December 2008 and I was excited to attend this year and see all my cousins, aunts and uncles. Many have gone on to be with the Lord and that part is sad but it was a joy to get to visit with all the rest of the Wood Family.



Our little family, well, minus Sommer, Jim, Ryan and Brandon



This is my daddy's family.
Front - My niece-Carli, SIL-Kay, Sister-Cherry
Our grandson-Mason, My Mom - Nanny,
2nd row - Brother - Jeff, Me, Tyler,
Back - BIL - Jon and Roger



Mason - Our precious, toothless grandson :-)



Our handsome young man, Tyler



Tyler and Mason in Terre's pool at reunion

Brothers of DCA/JDC
Brothers of Delta Christian Association and Jr. Delta Christians



The golf tournament that we worked so hard on back in March and sponsored in April to raise money for St. Jude...this is the picture that we took on June 19th where they presented a check to St. Jude Children'sResearch Hospital in Memphis, Tennessee.

The check was for $15,500.00 that these boys raised for such a worthy cause.

Mason's Baseball Tournament



Uncle Tyler and Nephew Mason are so "COOL"



Best looking ball player on the A's!!!

Last but not least...how much my baby boy has grown since last year!


Ty with Uncle Rex (6'8") on 6/15/08 - Ty with Uncle Rex - 7/4/09

Have a wonderfully blessed day!

Little Bit of This and A Little Bit of That

Good Morning! What a beautiful day it is in Northeast Arkansas...sun is shining brightly, skies are blue and the temperature is a perfect 73 with a high of 83! God is good!

This week is going to be completely crazy for me as I have to get two week's worth of work done in 3 days, clean house, do laundry, pack, get everything set up and prepared for our 9 day vacation...leaving on Thursday.

I am feeling the pressure and a tad bit of stress this morning to get it all done and with a good attitude :-) I know when I am feeling the stress because my right eye starts to twitch and my heart will skip a beat every couple of minutes. I am praying that I will do all things to the glory of God, with the right attitude, with God speed and efficiency...making this preparation a complete God-filled success.

Now, being that I will be nearly crazy this week....I am going to post a couple of "This and That" posts...meaning, I have many things to say, cleaning out my draft box, picture folder on my computer and have fun doing it. So...bear with me, ok?

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FIRST OF ALL:

I want to wish a very, very special person a HAPPY BIRTHDAY TODAY! He is my #1 fan of my blog and has been such an encouragement to me whether he realizes it or not.

He is a wonderful, godly example of what God has called a man to be...a godly husband, father, grandfather, pillar of the church, servant, encourager, mentor and friend. He is my friend and I admire him greatly...and I've never told him that.

Bro. Charles, I am going to work on getting my "Love Story" printed in a book while I am gone on vacation in a few days...you can upload and order your blog printed into a book.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BRO. CHARLES!

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TWO MORE BIRTHDAY SHOUT OUTS

To Beth in NC...Happy Birthday yesterday, my sweet bloggy sister and Kim at Homesteader's Heart, my other sweet bloggy sister....HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LADIES!!!

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Tyler's 9th grade Award Program back in May for A and B Honor Roll all year. We were so proud of him but he was frustrated because he missed having All A's for the year by .1 in Pre AP English during the 2nd 9 weeks...he had a 89.4...you have to have a 89.5 or higher before they will round it up to an A.

We are still extremely proud of Tyler. He pushes himself to make all A's and he took all Pre AP (Advanced Placement) courses in English, Science, History and Math.

Great job, Tyler! Sorry, I forgot to post this at the time :-(

More tomorrow!

Have a wonderfully blessed day!

Thankful Thursday ~ Everyday Things

Over the past week, there have been things that I have seen that I wanted or wished that I had...whether it was a swimming pool in my backyard, covered patio or even, a car that was paid for.

During my wishful thinking moments, I felt the Holy Spirit remind me of all the things that I do have and sometimes, forget to say "Thank you, Lord"!

I am guilty of forgetting about the small, everyday things in my life. It takes the Holy Spirit to give me that convicting nudge or for it to hit close to home when a friend or loved one is no longer that fortunate, for me to be thankful for the small things...many are things that you don't actually see.

I am thankful for many things but I want to specifically list these:

• The home that I live in, the roof over my head
• Air conditioning and the money to pay the bill during the heat of summer
• A comfortable bed to lay my head down on at night and be able to get a good night's sleep
• Food on the table, in the pantry and the money to go to the store and buy groceries
• The health of my family and yes, health insurance even if it is highway robbery!
• Opportunity to go on vacation this year
• Boxes and boxes of pictures that take me back through the lives of my children, our marriage and my childhood...oh, the memories
• The rain that we have had this week and how desperately it was needed
• The times that I get to spend alone with my son and just talk
• The times that I get to spend alone with my hubby, which is not as much as I wished being he is working 2 jobs to pay for our vacation
• Our jobs...my one and his two
• The opportunities the continue to arise that will bring more blessings and answer so many more prayers for our future
• For the crazy, busy week that we have had because in the craziness...we celebrated Tyler's 15th birthday and got to spend wonderful family time with our children, grandson, my mother and sister...the only one missing was our oldest son, Brandon and our SIL, Jim...we missed you guys.

I could go on and on but I will stop here.

My greatest blessing is the Lord Jesus Christ who loves me unconditionally, takes me just as I am, cleans me up, patiently helps me through the changes that He wants me to go through, picks me up when I fall down, He still loves me when I fail Him, to know that I am a Child of the King and I will spend eternity singing praises to Him.

For more wonderful thankful hearts, visit Lynn here.

Have a wonderfully blessed day!

It's His Birthday~Where Has Time Gone?

HAPPY 15th BIRTHDAY, TYLER!!!

Tyler...you bring so much joy and laughter to my life. Over 16 years ago when God placed a desire in my heart to have another child...He knew exactly what type of child you would be and the fine young man that you would grown up to be. I could not have asked for anything more than what God has blessed us with.

I love our little "chit chat" times that we spend together and they will be missed so much when you move away in just 3 short years.

You opened another chapter in mine and your dad's lives 15 years ago today when you became our son. It was a chapter of our lives that completed our union together...husband, wife and child of our own. We are one...a whole unit.

15 years ago today, I was laying in a hospital bed at Baptist Memorial - Desoto in Southaven, MS finally relaxing after receiving an epidural. There was so much excitement and anticipation in the air just waiting for your arrival. You were loved so much and by so many before you ever entered into this world and into our family.

When things started going wrong for me and you during labor, I have never felt such fear in all my life. I was trying so hard to not lose control of my emotions because I knew that if I were to get upset then it would affect you even more. You heart rate dropped to 32 beats per minute, but Dr. Westbrook got you back to where you needed to be and we progressed onward.

An hour later, your heart rate shot up to 192 beat per minute and I was so scared but still tried not to show it.

It wasn't until my sweet friend called to check on me and your daddy was on the phone. I called his name to ask him a question and when he turned around to answer me...he was crying. He was as scared as I was that we would lose you but neither one of us wanted the other one to know.

Upon seeing your daddy crying...I completely lost all control and was nearly hysterical. My blood pressure shot straight up and at that time...Dr. Westbrook told me that we need to do another C-Section to get you out.

As much as I had longed to deliver you naturally, I didn't care anymore about that...I just want you in my arms, alive, healthy and safe.

I looked at Dr. Westbrook with tears streaming down my face and said "please don't let my baby die" and Roger looked at him with tears streaming down his face and he said "don't let my wife die". It was a very intense period of time but it was short lived.

You were born to Roger and Jennifer on July 14th, 1994, at 9:34 PM, at Baptist Memorial - Desoto, weighing 8 lbs. 10 oz. and was 20 inches long. You had a head full of black hair and was absolutely gorgeous.

You were born into a family that loved you before they saw you. You had 2 big sisters...Sommer and Ryan and a big brother, Brandon. Your Nanny was there to hold you right after you were born and many other friends and family were sending their love to all of us. And...as you already know...the rest is history.




This is one of my favorite pictures of my precious boys...and now, here you are today with your cousin, Carson.

I hope you enjoy your slideshow...this is from birth to your 15th birthday. There is a picture of each birthday that we have been honored to celebrate with you.

We love you so much and are extremely proud of you. You are a fine young, godly, caring, loving and geniune man.

Love,

Mom and Dad

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Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Hope you have a wonderful birthday and it is one to remember...cause you are definitely loved, my precious son!

Have a wonderfully blessed day!

Rejection

Pastor Rusty preached an awesome sermon yesterday on REJECTION. It brought back many memories and emotions of years and years past when I suffered the effects of being rejected.

He listed 6 symptoms of rejection:

1. Easily hurt & offended

2. Fear of failure

3. Suspicion of others

4. Isolation from others

5. Self-verification

6. Failure to trust in God

I looked at my husband and said "that was me several years ago before God set me free from my anger through "Total Forgiveness".

I suffered for nearly 15 years with these symptoms and yet, I didn't have a clue as to the underlying problem. I was full of anger and no amount of medication, therapy or material things seemed to ease the anger that boiled deep inside. I could suppress the anger for weeks and months but something would happen or what seem to be nothing then the explosion would erupt out of nowhere.

I sought help from therapist, psychologist and psychiatrist but no one wanted to help me dig deep enough to find the root of the anger. They only wanted to treat the symptom which was anger and mood swings with medication. The medication leveled the moods and masked the symptoms with what appeared to be "happiness" again. I would get off the medication because I would feel that I didn't need it anymore, but before long, the anger would rise to the surface again.

This battle went on for years and years. It was complicated by all the situations with Brandon at home which seem to intensify the anger and symptoms.

I got so tired of battling this and I allowed the enemy to lie to me telling me that I couldn't be helped, wasn't worth helping, I was the problem, no one liked me, no one wanted to be around me and that everyone else was happy but me. I was on a path of self destruction.

I had been counseling with Pastor Rusty for about a year doing an anger management course which seemed to help me control my anger. However, the root of the anger was still lying underneath.

It wasn't until one Sunday evening during a series that Pastor Rusty was preaching on the "Total Forgiveness" book by R. T. Kendall that I saw a glimmer of hope.

What I did hear Pastor Rusty say was that anger sometimes stems from unforgiveness. It was also in his sermon notes. If I didn't hear another word Pastor Rusty said...I hear that. I couldn't get it out of him mind.

I thought about it all night Sunday night and all day Monday at work...I started praying and asking God....who do I harbor unforgiveness against? What has happened that could cause me to have unforgiveness in my heart, not be aware of it but yet I am allowing it to control me through my anger.

I called him on Monday afternoon and I asked him..."based on what you said last night...are you saying that my anger might be because I have unforgiveness?" He told me that is was a good place to start looking.

I met with Pastor Rusty the following day to begin a long process of discovering, digging, searching and dealing with all the emotions that one must go through to find the source or sources of their anger. I have learned that forgiveness is not an event but a process that you have to go through before complete healing can take place.

He gave me a copy of the book he was using to preach this series on "Total Forgiveness" and asked me to read it. The hard part for me is....I don't like to read, never have and if I did...don't have the time to sit down and read. But because I wanted desperately to be healed both mentally and emotionally...I began reading this book. The book is written in such a way that I found it hard to put down. I didn't agree with some aspects that I read in the early chapters...some of them made me angry and defensive but I kept reading.

I was scheduled to meet with Pastor Rusty every week for counseling and self discovery. He held me accountable for my feelings, thoughts, emotions, my past experiences and my present. He had me journal my thoughts, feelings, situations at home that made me angry and my reactions and thoughts to the book I was reading. There would be so much to process because everything...thoughts, feelings and actions...both past and present was like a piece of a puzzle and they all had to come together to complete the big picture of my anger. I would journal every day...many pages at a time, email them to Pastor Rusty the day before our meeting in order for him to have time to read them, dissect them, get his questions ready for the next day. This worked beautifully for us because most of the time...I would have forgotten something that I might have remembered, felt and my the time we meet...the anger or emotions were not as intense as they were in the moment. He needed to see everything in the true light, the raw, ugly truth to help in this healing process.

Up to this point in my life, I had withdrawn from all my friends and church family, stayed at home to the point of being nearly a hermit, not going anywhere with anyone except my family, became very defensive, easily offended, felt that if I worked hard enough, did things perfectly...then, others would like me. I put on a front for so long around people that it physically and emotionally wore me down. It was too exhausting to do it and therefore, it was easier to stay to myself, at home where I could be "me"...as ugly as that was.

The process was hard, emotional work but little by little the Holy Spirit began to reveal all the areas of my life and my past that I needed to forgive those who had hurt me. Some of the people never knew they hurt me, some didn't care that they hurt me, many wouldn't have remembered if I had confronted them, others were no longer living but for me...I had to forgive them just the same and only confronted one person.

I allowed the words and actions of others to control and nearly ruin my life. The enemy got into my head and emotions, filled my head with lies. Once the process was complete...I hadn't been that happy in many, many years. I am still that happy today. I no longer battle with insecurity, anger issues, angry outburst, no longer easily offended or isolated from others. My true personality began to shine through after been buried for all those years.

Today, I looked back over my journey that the Lord has taken me on...where I once was to where I am today. It is amazing how something as harboring unforgiveness from past offenses as far back as childhood had been hidden, suppressed but was like a cancer...it was eating me alive and destroying my life and my family. I was so excited to finally have an answer to my question "why am I so angry?".

If you are suffering today from rejection...whether it is from something that a parent said to you, a teacher, classmate, employer or whoever...I ask you today to measure your worth by God's word and not the opinion of others. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal any unforgiveness that might be aiding these feelings of rejection or anger. It will be well worth the journey that the Lord will take you on to bring about the healing that you want so badly. It certainly was for me.

Deuteronomy 28:13
The LORD will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the LORD your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom.

Romans 8:37
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

Psalm 37:23
The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Have a wonderfully blessed day!

Thankful Thursday~Blessings

I am so thankful today for the blessings that God has given to our family. Blessings come in big packages and small ones. The one that I want to specifically mention today is the blessing of generosity of a friend that I've never met.

As many of you that follow my blog know that I have one child left at home, Tyler. You also know that it has been very hard on me the past year knowing he is growing up so fast and will be graduating in 3 very short years.

Roger and I have always made sure that we took family vacations and made the memories that will last a lifetime. My parents always took us on vacation and Roger's didn't. His father was a football coach and summer wasn't the time for vacations.

We wanted to go to the beach this year, up the east coast to Washington DC-New York City-Cape Cod-Niagra Falls next year and finally, out west to the Grand Canyon and through the desert all before he graduates.

With money being tight and the economy not looking real promising, we had decided to pull our camper and go to Panama City, Florida (Panhandle) to St. Andrews State Park. I went there many summers as a kid. I reserved a sight several months ago and it was the most cost effective trip to the beach we could do.

One day while I was working on redesigning my blog layout...I posted a comment on Kim's site for her to email me because I had some questions. Her layout is always darling and she is forever changing it.

Instead, Kim sent me an IM. In our conversation, our vacation to Florida came up and she asked where were we going. I told her and she offered us their cottage to stay in if we wanted to come a little further.

I asked where she lived in comparison to Sarasota (west coast of penisula) or Satellite Beach (east coast of penisula). She said they were 3 miles from Satellite Beach.

Satellite Beach is one of our favorite vacations spots of all our beach trips. The sand is absolutely gorgeous and we love to watch the sea turtles come onto shore at night. God is so good!

Honestly, I couldn't believe what I was reading! Here is a lady so only knows me through blogging and has never laid eyes on our family but yet she offers us her cottage to stay in on the beach! I told her that I would talk to Roger and see what he said. I had no idea if he would be for it or against it.

I talked to him the same day and he was floored at the generosity of someone we have never met before. He said "yes", of course.

We will depart Arkansas headed to the beach on July 23rd by way of Cherokee, NC, then on to Satellite Beach, FL. Roger and my BIL threw a monkey wrench into my vacation plans with a football camp at Western Carolina University for Tyler with Uncle Marty(BIL) coaching and Roger helping him. How could I say "no" to that? I couldn't.

We will be staying with Kim from Sunday, July 26 - Thursday, July 30. The blessings just keep growing too...because not only will I get to meet Kim (IRL) but Debra will be coming to spend the day at the beach with us as well.

We will leave Satellite Beach mid-day on Thursday headed to Orlando where we will take in Wet 'n Wild, Sea World and Universal Studios.

Can you handle any more blessings? I will be meeting Lisa Shaw on Friday morning for breakfast.

All because of the generosity of Kim and her family...I will be blessed by meeting 3 of my bloggy sisters, getting to take a trip to our favorite beach and the parks in Orlando. We have been wanting to take Tyler back to Orlando because he was only 2 the last time we were there and doesn't remember the trip at all.

God bless you, Kim for your generosity and I CAN'T WAIT TO GET THERE!!! I'm counting down the days until I see your sweet face and hug your precious neck! 17 days until I see you face to face.

For more wonderful TT, visit Lynn.

Have a wonderfully blessed day!

I've Got A Plan

Ok, I've got a plan that just hit me yesterday afternoon. Keep in mind that it is only temporary due to scheduling, activities, and lives of my family...but, it's a start.

I had to pick Tyler up from Boot Camp at church and take him to his scheduled summer football workout at school at 5 PM to 6 PM. My thoughts had been all day yesterday...where am I going to find the time to exercise, a time that I can commit to and one that doesn't interfere with everyone else's lives?

Then it hit me the minute Tyler got out of the car...NOW, GO NOW! The school track is right next door to the field house where Tyler would be. Granted it wasn't a planned trip to the track because I didn't have any water, no iPod and I had my dog with me. But...I made it work. I parked my car where I could see it from 90% of the track, rolled all the windows down because it was about 85 and breezy, locked the doors (alarm would go off if someone opened the door), took my phone with me for entertainment...I can text and walk :)...then I hit the track.

It is a great plan that will work for me for the next 2 weeks and then we leave to go on vacation. When we come back from vacation, the football players will start their 2 a days in pads practice and the times will change. I will try to still go immediately after dropping him off for practice but will see how it works and if it interferes with my job.

I am praying that in the two short weeks that I will begin to change some old habits and begin to make it a part of my life. I can't make any promises because I've done that before and have been so disappointed in myself when I quit. But...I GONNA TRY HARD!

Kim, we have to walk when I'm with you in Florida. I figure that I will get enough walking at Wet n Wild, Sea World and Universal Studios to make up for my lack of daily routine walking until I get back home.


My 1st workout yesterday consisted of...walked 1 lap around the track, jogged 1 lap, walked another lap...had shin splints so bad...I stopped and stretched again to help relieve the pain in my shins so I could go on. I continued with jogging another lap...1/2 way of that lap...I stopped at the Home bleachers and ran up, walked the full length of the bleachers, came down, ran up the next set of steps, down and back up. I finished by walking the length of the bleachers again and walked back down. I was tired, hot, sweaty and so thirsty but it felt good to know that I can still do it. I completed the last lap, stretched and got back in my car to go pick up Tyler.

It wasn't baseball but it was 3 up, 3 down. lol

It felt so good to have accomplished it. My husband asked me why did I start out doing so much. I told him that when I was on the track, I was reminising of the time that my friend, Paula and I went 5 days a week for several months trying to work up to do a 5K...which is equal to 13 laps around the track. We finally got to where we could "run" 13 laps with 7 minute miles and we were so pumped to do a 5K. I got called back to work and we never went again and I never ran that 5K.

Can that dream still be alive in me somewhere? I think it could...I felt it all over again yesterday on the track. All that was missing was Paula! She moved 3 1/2 hours away and I don't have anyone else that would do it with me. So, I guess, I have to find it within myself, push myself and just do it.

Today, I am going to get Roger to get our Torso Trac down from the attic and get to work on it. It is great because it works your arms, back, shoulders and abs...all at the same time. These are the only things that I am going to do for now...I don't want to overload and burn out.

As for my eating, I had already reduced the number of Diet Dr. Peppers that I drink a day...down from probably 8-10 a day to 1-2. We are drinking tea with Sweet n Low and water. I am going to drastically reduce my snacking and watch my calorie intake but I will not diet or deprive myself. We already eat wheat bread, 2% or skim milk, 2% cheese, 93% beef, very little pork, lots of chicken...grill or bake, never fry (haven't in about 15 years), eat salads and love veggies. I already read labels and my biggest downfall is salty foods...starches, chips and salt.

I lost 20 lbs. 2 years ago after my hysterectomy just by cutting out my snacking and stop snacking in bed watching TV before going to sleep. If I got hungry, I ate pretzels. I can't tell you the number of bags of pretzels that I ate. I think that I ate so many that they taste nasty to me now. lol I lost all that and never exercised one bit. My body is already muscular and just need some toning so many people don't believe me when I tell them how much I weight on this 5'4" frame. Looks can be deceiving!!!

Keep your fingers crossed and if my name comes to your mind...say a prayer for me.

I CAN DO THIS...I KNOW THAT I CAN! Look out smaller clothes that have been packed away in my attic for several years...here I come. It will be like going on a free shopping trip and never get in the car! hehehehe

Have a wonderfully blessed day!

Committed and Dedicated~Why Am I NOT?

1 Corinthians 9:24-27

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. 25 Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. 26 So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. 27 But I discipline my body and keep it under control, [1] lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.

Philippians 3:19

Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things.

I looked in the mirror this morning several different times...what I saw and felt didn't vary much...the overall feeling was disgust!

Once when I got out of the bed...I thought..."Dear Lord, thank you that no one sees me first thing in the morning except my family". My hair was all over my head. If you looked up "bedhead" in the dictionary...my picture would be there! lol Can you say....SCARY! It would have made a small child run, screaming in fright.

The next time that I looked in the mirror was when I got out of the shower in my birthday suit..."Dear Lord, how did I get to this point". I so hate the way that I look.

And lastly, before and after I finished my make-up. My thoughts before the make-up and moisturizer was "My heavens, you look so old and my thoughtful reply was...I feel this old too!"

The final look was after applying make-up or as my Nanny would have said "a little fresh paint on this old barn never hurts". I dressed in a t-shirt, shorts and tennis shoes to begin my day of work in my home office.

My final thoughts were "You can hide a lot of things under a baggy t-shirt, hair color and make-up, but the truth still lies beneath".

The truth is...I'm not dedicated or committed to myself! Granted, there are days that I need to be committed but it's to a nut house, but that's not what I'm talking about today.

I began to ask myself some "whys, hows and do I".

How can I be so dedicated and committed to my family and not myself?

My friends?

My children?

My Lord?

My job and my bosses?

How did I let myself get to this point in my life?

Do I not care enough about myself or love myself enough to do something about it?

Do I not love my family enough to live to see them grown and be around for my grandchildren?

Why is eating right, living a healthy lifestyle, exercising and taking care of myself so hard for me?

Why is it so hard for me to find the time for me? Roger doesn't care and would never love me any less whether I am skinny or fat, taking time for me or not...he, unlike my ex...loves me for me...so what is the problem????

Guess what? I don't have the answer to those questions.

I began to think back to years ago and I see how it could have all begun but is it really just an excuse?

I always go back to when I got married at 18 years old and wore a size 5...I loved myself back then. But, after many years of surviving in a very unhappy marriage, trying to earn my husband's love, work hard enough being a good wife, housekeeper, lawn keeper so that he would love and appreciate me...I got into a very ugly habit...putting everyone and everything before myself. If I did anything for myself, whether it was just sitting down, sleeping in, going for walks, hanging out with my friends, watching TV...anything except staying busy, keeping an immaculate house without a single dirty dish, all clothes washed, folded and put away...I felt guilty. I didn't gain any weight back then but I packed on a few pounds after our son, Brandon was born. I lost most of it but retained a very healthy weight and was a size 7.

Now, I know that as a wife and a mother...we are to put God first and then our families but we have to take some time for ourselves and take care of ourselves to be the wife, mother and woman that God wants us to be.

Am I as disgusted with myself enough to change as I feel at times?

If I am so disgusted at myself when I have to put on clothing that actually fits, try on clothes to buy them, put on a bathing suit, try to exercise without "feeling" like I'm going to die....WHY DON'T I DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT???? I nearly have a meltdown every Sunday morning when I have to actually put on something decent to wear...not shorts and t-shirts.

I have lost weight, maintained weight, gained weight over the years...I have been told many times to just be happy with who I am.

Well, I'm not! So....why don't I do something about it? I don't know. I start out good...watching what I eat, not depriving myself, walking, going to the gym, doing a workout video BUT, if I miss one day...it's over. I quit! WHY?

I always joke and say that God knew not to give me a "hot body" because He knew that I would "flaunt it"...it just another way to joke about how miserable I am on the inside but don't want everyone to know on the outside.

Well, you all know now exactly how I feel about myself! That has been the purpose of my blog from day one...to be open, honest and completely transparent...why stop now? LOL!

I looked to the Word of God this morning for some scriptures for this post and I didn't always like the ones that I found. The scriptures are full of verses of eating healthy, living healthy, self-control and all the things that I'm NOT doing right now.

Here's just a few of the ones that I found...ones that don't stomp my toes right off my feet...I'm busy today and I need to be able to walk. :-)

James 4:17
So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, 20 for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

Proverbs 23:2
and put a knife to your throat if you are given to appetite. ~ ok...this one is scary but it was under the category of healthy eating...yikes!

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Galatians 5:22-24
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

I welcome any...ok, maybe not any, but good advice on how I might achieve what I know is in my heart and what I truly desire. Nothing comes without a price and I can't wish myself slim...gone are the days when I could skip a couple of meals and lose 10 pounds. I need to lose 35-40 pounds and 2 dress sizes to love my body and feel good about it again. I want to be healthy, energetic, happy and physically fit...I am not happy with what I have allowed myself to become. So, I'm sorry...please don't tell me to learn to love myself and where I am in my life right now. I love my husband and my family and I love my Lord...but, I don't love my body.

Have a wonderfully blessed day!

Letter To My Readers

I want to let you know that I am back and will be back to posting on a "more" regular basis. I can't promise that it will be on a daily basis but it will be much better than I have over the past several months.

I hate that I have lost a vast majority of my readers due to several issues. Based on the number of comments that have been left and the number of visits per Sitemeter...I have lost you guys, hopefully, it was only temporary.

I feel those issues are the lack of posts that I have written on a regular basis, the re-running of my life story that lead me to begin blogging and the lack of following and commenting on your blogs. I have tried to do what I could with the amount of time that I have had available to do so but...it hasn't been good enough.

I am truly sorry that I have let down my readers over the past few months and I hope that you can forgive me.

I don't want to lose anyone of you because you are not just readers/followers to me but you are my friends.

I wrote this post to you all back in December '08 and it is as true today as it was then.

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So, my dear friends...both far and near, in everyday life and in the bloggy life...here's to each of you whether I have visited your blog once or dozens and whether you have been to mine today for the first time or the fiftieth...this is for you today, my friend.


Good friendships are like beautiful flowers...as they grow, they bring beauty and enjoyment into your life. I am thankful for the different varieties of fresh flowers in my daily bouquet. Each one is different and yet when they are all put together in my life...they make a complete arrangement of absolute beauty and joy. I love each and everyone of you.

Psalm 27:9 Just as lotions and fragrance give sensual delight, a sweet friendship refreshes the soul. (Message)

Psalm 17:17 Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble. (Message)

Have a wonderfully blessed day!