I looked in the mirror this morning several different times...what I saw and felt didn't vary much...the overall feeling was disgust!
Once when I got out of the bed...I thought..."Dear Lord, thank you that no one sees me first thing in the morning except my family". My hair was all over my head. If you looked up "bedhead" in the dictionary...my picture would be there! lol Can you say....SCARY! It would have made a small child run, screaming in fright.
The next time that I looked in the mirror was when I got out of the shower in my birthday suit..."Dear Lord, how did I get to this point". I so hate the way that I look.
And lastly, before and after I finished my make-up. My thoughts before the make-up and moisturizer was "My heavens, you look so old and my thoughtful reply was...I feel this old too!"
The final look was after applying make-up or as my Nanny would have said "a little fresh paint on this old barn never hurts". I dressed in a t-shirt, shorts and tennis shoes to begin my day of work in my home office.
My final thoughts were "You can hide a lot of things under a baggy t-shirt, hair color and make-up, but the truth still lies beneath".
The truth is...I'm not dedicated or committed to myself! Granted, there are days that I need to be committed but it's to a nut house, but that's not what I'm talking about today.
I began to ask myself some "whys, hows and do I".
How can I be so dedicated and committed to my family and not myself?
My job and my bosses?
How did I let myself get to this point in my life?
Do I not care enough about myself or love myself enough to do something about it?
Do I not love my family enough to live to see them grown and be around for my grandchildren?
Why is eating right, living a healthy lifestyle, exercising and taking care of myself so hard for me?
Why is it so hard for me to find the time for me? Roger doesn't care and would never love me any less whether I am skinny or fat, taking time for me or not...he, unlike my ex...loves me for me...so what is the problem????
Guess what? I don't have the answer to those questions.
I began to think back to years ago and I see how it could have all begun but is it really just an excuse?
I always go back to when I got married at 18 years old and wore a size 5...I loved myself back then. But, after many years of surviving in a very unhappy marriage, trying to earn my husband's love, work hard enough being a good wife, housekeeper, lawn keeper so that he would love and appreciate me...I got into a very ugly habit...putting everyone and everything before myself. If I did anything for myself, whether it was just sitting down, sleeping in, going for walks, hanging out with my friends, watching TV...anything except staying busy, keeping an immaculate house without a single dirty dish, all clothes washed, folded and put away...I felt guilty. I didn't gain any weight back then but I packed on a few pounds after our son, Brandon was born. I lost most of it but retained a very healthy weight and was a size 7.
Now, I know that as a wife and a mother...we are to put God first and then our families but we have to take some time for ourselves and take care of ourselves to be the wife, mother and woman that God wants us to be.
Am I as disgusted with myself enough to change as I feel at times?
If I am so disgusted at myself when I have to put on clothing that actually fits, try on clothes to buy them, put on a bathing suit, try to exercise without "feeling" like I'm going to die....WHY DON'T I DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT???? I nearly have a meltdown every Sunday morning when I have to actually put on something decent to wear...not shorts and t-shirts.
I have lost weight, maintained weight, gained weight over the years...I have been told many times to just be happy with who I am.
Well, I'm not! So....why don't I do something about it? I don't know. I start out good...watching what I eat, not depriving myself, walking, going to the gym, doing a workout video BUT, if I miss one day...it's over. I quit! WHY?
I always joke and say that God knew not to give me a "hot body" because He knew that I would "flaunt it"...it just another way to joke about how miserable I am on the inside but don't want everyone to know on the outside.
Well, you all know now exactly how I feel about myself! That has been the purpose of my blog from day one...to be open, honest and completely transparent...why stop now? LOL!
I looked to the Word of God this morning for some scriptures for this post and I didn't always like the ones that I found. The scriptures are full of verses of eating healthy, living healthy, self-control and all the things that I'm NOT doing right now.
Here's just a few of the ones that I found...ones that don't stomp my toes right off my feet...I'm busy today and I need to be able to walk. :-)
So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.
1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, 20 for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.
and put a knife to your throat if you are given to appetite. ~ ok...this one is scary but it was under the category of healthy eating...yikes!
I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
I welcome any...ok, maybe not any, but good advice on how I might achieve what I know is in my heart and what I truly desire. Nothing comes without a price and I can't wish myself slim...gone are the days when I could skip a couple of meals and lose 10 pounds. I need to lose 35-40 pounds and 2 dress sizes to love my body and feel good about it again. I want to be healthy, energetic, happy and physically fit...I am not happy with what I have allowed myself to become. So, I'm sorry...please don't tell me to learn to love myself and where I am in my life right now. I love my husband and my family and I love my Lord...but, I don't love my body.
Have a wonderfully blessed day!