Rejection

Pastor Rusty preached an awesome sermon yesterday on REJECTION. It brought back many memories and emotions of years and years past when I suffered the effects of being rejected.

He listed 6 symptoms of rejection:

1. Easily hurt & offended

2. Fear of failure

3. Suspicion of others

4. Isolation from others

5. Self-verification

6. Failure to trust in God

I looked at my husband and said "that was me several years ago before God set me free from my anger through "Total Forgiveness".

I suffered for nearly 15 years with these symptoms and yet, I didn't have a clue as to the underlying problem. I was full of anger and no amount of medication, therapy or material things seemed to ease the anger that boiled deep inside. I could suppress the anger for weeks and months but something would happen or what seem to be nothing then the explosion would erupt out of nowhere.

I sought help from therapist, psychologist and psychiatrist but no one wanted to help me dig deep enough to find the root of the anger. They only wanted to treat the symptom which was anger and mood swings with medication. The medication leveled the moods and masked the symptoms with what appeared to be "happiness" again. I would get off the medication because I would feel that I didn't need it anymore, but before long, the anger would rise to the surface again.

This battle went on for years and years. It was complicated by all the situations with Brandon at home which seem to intensify the anger and symptoms.

I got so tired of battling this and I allowed the enemy to lie to me telling me that I couldn't be helped, wasn't worth helping, I was the problem, no one liked me, no one wanted to be around me and that everyone else was happy but me. I was on a path of self destruction.

I had been counseling with Pastor Rusty for about a year doing an anger management course which seemed to help me control my anger. However, the root of the anger was still lying underneath.

It wasn't until one Sunday evening during a series that Pastor Rusty was preaching on the "Total Forgiveness" book by R. T. Kendall that I saw a glimmer of hope.

What I did hear Pastor Rusty say was that anger sometimes stems from unforgiveness. It was also in his sermon notes. If I didn't hear another word Pastor Rusty said...I hear that. I couldn't get it out of him mind.

I thought about it all night Sunday night and all day Monday at work...I started praying and asking God....who do I harbor unforgiveness against? What has happened that could cause me to have unforgiveness in my heart, not be aware of it but yet I am allowing it to control me through my anger.

I called him on Monday afternoon and I asked him..."based on what you said last night...are you saying that my anger might be because I have unforgiveness?" He told me that is was a good place to start looking.

I met with Pastor Rusty the following day to begin a long process of discovering, digging, searching and dealing with all the emotions that one must go through to find the source or sources of their anger. I have learned that forgiveness is not an event but a process that you have to go through before complete healing can take place.

He gave me a copy of the book he was using to preach this series on "Total Forgiveness" and asked me to read it. The hard part for me is....I don't like to read, never have and if I did...don't have the time to sit down and read. But because I wanted desperately to be healed both mentally and emotionally...I began reading this book. The book is written in such a way that I found it hard to put down. I didn't agree with some aspects that I read in the early chapters...some of them made me angry and defensive but I kept reading.

I was scheduled to meet with Pastor Rusty every week for counseling and self discovery. He held me accountable for my feelings, thoughts, emotions, my past experiences and my present. He had me journal my thoughts, feelings, situations at home that made me angry and my reactions and thoughts to the book I was reading. There would be so much to process because everything...thoughts, feelings and actions...both past and present was like a piece of a puzzle and they all had to come together to complete the big picture of my anger. I would journal every day...many pages at a time, email them to Pastor Rusty the day before our meeting in order for him to have time to read them, dissect them, get his questions ready for the next day. This worked beautifully for us because most of the time...I would have forgotten something that I might have remembered, felt and my the time we meet...the anger or emotions were not as intense as they were in the moment. He needed to see everything in the true light, the raw, ugly truth to help in this healing process.

Up to this point in my life, I had withdrawn from all my friends and church family, stayed at home to the point of being nearly a hermit, not going anywhere with anyone except my family, became very defensive, easily offended, felt that if I worked hard enough, did things perfectly...then, others would like me. I put on a front for so long around people that it physically and emotionally wore me down. It was too exhausting to do it and therefore, it was easier to stay to myself, at home where I could be "me"...as ugly as that was.

The process was hard, emotional work but little by little the Holy Spirit began to reveal all the areas of my life and my past that I needed to forgive those who had hurt me. Some of the people never knew they hurt me, some didn't care that they hurt me, many wouldn't have remembered if I had confronted them, others were no longer living but for me...I had to forgive them just the same and only confronted one person.

I allowed the words and actions of others to control and nearly ruin my life. The enemy got into my head and emotions, filled my head with lies. Once the process was complete...I hadn't been that happy in many, many years. I am still that happy today. I no longer battle with insecurity, anger issues, angry outburst, no longer easily offended or isolated from others. My true personality began to shine through after been buried for all those years.

Today, I looked back over my journey that the Lord has taken me on...where I once was to where I am today. It is amazing how something as harboring unforgiveness from past offenses as far back as childhood had been hidden, suppressed but was like a cancer...it was eating me alive and destroying my life and my family. I was so excited to finally have an answer to my question "why am I so angry?".

If you are suffering today from rejection...whether it is from something that a parent said to you, a teacher, classmate, employer or whoever...I ask you today to measure your worth by God's word and not the opinion of others. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal any unforgiveness that might be aiding these feelings of rejection or anger. It will be well worth the journey that the Lord will take you on to bring about the healing that you want so badly. It certainly was for me.

Deuteronomy 28:13
The LORD will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the LORD your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom.

Romans 8:37
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

Psalm 37:23
The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Have a wonderfully blessed day!