Thursday, April 3, 2008

Mother or Referee

As time went on and years past...the precious years before the storm...were a thing of the past...just memories.

With the coaching of my ex-husband, my son who was 10-11 years old, became a "holy terror" to put it nicely. He will tell you the same thing if you were to ask him. His father had told him for years that he did not have to obey Roger, his step dad. My ex-husband made all kinds of racial slurs about Roger in front of Brandon or directly to him because of his Indian heritage and the fact that in the summer he gets extremely dark. It was a never ending campaign to keep strife built up in our family and tension between Brandon and Roger. Looking back on the big picture...his daddy was insecure and knew that Roger would be, could be and was a better father to his son than he CHOSE to be...not that he could not be a good father...he chose not to be one.

Brandon longed to have a great relationship with his daddy and to be daddy's little boy. Instead, he became his daddy's girlfriend...who became his wife after a number of years together...her "little boy". I do not know how bad things would have gotten if it were not for her. She would come by on his daddy's Friday to pick him up and brought him back home on Sunday many times. She spent more time with him than his daddy did on the weekends that he was suppose to be spending with his father. She loved my son like he was her own and was extremely good to him. I will be eternally grateful to her for the genuine love that she showed then and still does to Brandon.

I cannot say enough times that God is a good God...He is merciful, He is faithful, He is a father to the fatherless and He is love. I grew to love and respect his daddy's girlfriend/wife in a new that was full of forgiveness and appreciation because she had been the "other woman".
She loved my son and she was good to him AND he loved her very much.

However, things were not as happy at home. Brandon became very defiant, angry, argumentative, rebellious and was determined to destroy my marriage to Roger. I cannot begin to tell you the number of times that we talked about, fought about and nearly divorced...not because we did not love each other but because of Brandon. He has admitted in recent years that he knew exactly what he was doing and he wanted us to get a divorce. Even though, he could not remember his daddy and I married...he said "what child doesn't want both their parents in the same house raising their own child". He said recently "I almost got what I wanted". But he has realized and apologized to Roger and myself for all the problems that he caused. He also said that "he missed out on the best daddy and great times with his Dad (Roger) because of his own daddy. HOW SAD IS THAT? THAT A CHILD WOULD HAVE TO MAKE CHOICES BETWEEN WHO HE IS GOING TO HAVE TO LOVE OR NOT LOVE!

There were daily (or many times a week) fights in our seem more like a war zone instead of a home. I always felt like I was stuck in the middle of my husband and my son. There were so many times that I felt that Roger was being unfair to his stepson when I felt he would not have treated his own son the same way (and did not later on when we had one together but they are two totally different children too). But there were just as many times that Brandon was in the wrong. I cried, I begged, I threatened, I avoided them, I prayed (many, many times), I wished I had not gotten married, I wished I had not ever had children, I wished that I could disappear and let them fight to one of their deaths (not really but it felt like it at that time), and I actually left a couple of times on the weekend to "run away" from it all.

When Brandon was gone to his daddy's or Roger was out of town...everything was great. Do not get me wrong...everyday was not like this but as Brandon got was more and more frequent. I knew that Brandon was hurting inside but it was not until many years later that I realized just how bad he had been hurt and the rejection that he felt. We had the discussion so many times that he could love two daddys but his daddy had instilled in him that he could not love them both and if he loved Roger (Dad) then he did not love him...he would have to pick which one he wanted to love, who's approval did he want the most and who did he want to be "daddy's little boy" the most. What a shame!

I get angry all over again just writing this and thinking about the selfish and munpilative things his biological father did. Do parents realize the damage that they are doing to their children when they use them as pawn in the game of jealousy, the game of anger and revenge, the game of bitterness and the game of just being selfish? If you are doing this right now with a child or your children....please, please...I beg you to stop. You cannot imagine the damage that you are doing to your child. You might be hurting the other parent but you are destroying your precious child! You are setting your child up for many years of pain, angry, rejection and unhappiness!!! No child should ever have to choose between parents!

James 3:16 For where you have envy and self ambition, there you will find disorder and every evil practice. (NIV)

Ephesians 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath (anger): but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord

All of his daddy's tactics almost worked. He ruined so many days, nights and weekends because he polluted an innocent child's mind. He robbed an innocent child of the right to love all his parents, to have a happy childhood, to know what it was like to be loved and accepted by everyone and to love himself. You should never bad mouth the other parent to your child or in front of your child...did I manage to do this...."No" but I tried to reined it in as much as possible. That is something else that will come back to haunt you in the long run. Children are a better judge of character than most adults...let your children see each parent for what they really are, what they are made of, what they like about them, what they dislike about them and in the end...they will make the best judge of the other parent's character. You do not need to put the other parent down to make yourself look better...let your child love you for you and love the other parent for who they are. If you do this...your child cannot blame you later in life for ruining their relationship with the other parent.

Roger and I did everything that we could possibly do to insure that Brandon had a good childhood with many good memories as possible. Was it enough? At this moment in my life...I would have to honestly say "No"! Brandon is still hurting after all these years. I feel like it has affected him in so many areas of his life.

Was I the perfect, loving mother? Absolutely not! I was angry so much of the time, I was frustrated, I was depressed and I wanted to just plain quit...which was not an option either. There were many times that Roger and I would fight over Brandon and I told him on numerous occasions...."do not make me pick between you and my son...because you will lose", "God gave him to me to raise, love and protect at all cost and I will do just matter what" and "I will not send him to his daddy's to live because I was a package deal when you married wanted me and you got us both". Now, there were times that I threatened to send him to live with his daddy and once I actually took him to his daddy's for the night. He and I cried all the way to his daddy and I was back there the next day to get him. My heart still breaks to this day when I think of all that we all went through especially him...he was just a "little boy"!

We took family vacations each year, weekend trips as a family, got involved with him in sports and school...we tried to give him as normal of a childhood as possible. I am guilty of spoiling him because I was trying to make up for the things that were lacking in his life. Yes, he is rotten and it is all my fault. Would I change that? "No." Do I wish that I could go back and change so many things about his childhood? "Absolutely." Was much of it then and would it still be now...out of my control? "Absolutely."

I hold fast to God's Word and I know in time...God will restore to Brandon everything that his daddy robbed him of during his childhood, teenage years and even in his adult life. Please agree with me in prayer that God will heal Brandon's heart and know that he is loved and accepted by his Heavenly Father...if by no one else on this earth loves and accepts him...but that is never going to be the case...because this mother loves her son with all her heart. I love you, Brandon!!!!

Isaiah 61:1-3 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, (2) to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, (3) and provide for those who grieve in Zion to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mouring, and a garment of praise instead a spirit of dispair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. (NIV)

Psalm 9:10 Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you. (NIV)

Psalm 27:10 Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me. (NIV)

II Corinthians 4:8,9 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; preplexed, but not in despair; (9) persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. (NIV)


  1. I've said it before...Brandon is absolutely beautiful!!!!

  2. this blog is blessing people we will not meet until we get to heaven! you are sharing the pain and the truth of what children experience through divorce.

    God is using this all for His good purpose.

    keep it up!
    love ya girl!


Thank you for stopping by today and sharing your heart felt thoughts with me. As we ride "Through the Storms of Life" together, chances are...your situation is different than mine. However, we serve the same awesome God, King of Kings who is in complete control and it all belongs to Him anyway...He wants to give you the very best. Be encouraged my friend, God loves you!

Thank you again for taking the time to visit me at "Through the Storms of Life".


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