The Divorce (Original posting was 2/24/08)

I have felt the need to re-run my life story from the beginning since many of you weren't readers a year ago. This is meant to help someone, somewhere in what they are going through today.

When the decision was made to end my marriage and there was no other healthy option for me, I filed for divorce.

Please understand that I am not endorsing or promoting divorce in any way. I can only tell my story and the decisions that I made for my life.

I filed for an uncontested divorce in October 1986. After the initial filing of the divorce, there is a 30 day waiting period that has to be completed before the divorce is actually final. During this time, he refused to move out and I also refused to leave this time. I needed a home to raise my son in rather than move back home to my parents house....therefore, we lived in the same house during this period of time. Awkward to say the least but...I had to do what I had to do to insure that I had a home for my son and myself. Regardless of all the heartache, disappointment, anger, suffering and unhealthy environment for my one year old son...I still wanted my marriage to work. Thanksgiving and Christmas was just around the corner and it would be my son's first holidays, so we decided to try once again to work it out over the holidays. During these two months, he stayed at home with his family, was very respectful and loving to us, attentive to our needs and it finally seemed like it was going to be alright.

Satan was constantly whispering in my ear that I would never find anyone else that would marry me, no one would want me because I already had a child by another man, I could not make it financially on my own and I did not deserve to find happiness with someone else since my first husband could not love me. These lies held me in bondage for 6 years. This was not the only reasons that I did not divorce him earlier but they always played a major part in my decisions to try again. Even though, I knew Satan was a liar and what God's Word says about him....I still allowed him to get into my head and cause me to doubt everything I knew about myself, who I was and what my purpose was.

John 8:44 "....for he is a liar and the father of lies".

We had been together since I was 16 years old, dated for 3 years, married for 6 years, had a son with him and he was the only guy that I had ever dated....he was all I knew.

The joy and "normal" life was short-lived because Thanksgiving and Christmas soon passed which meant there was another holiday following....New Year's Eve. Like the past 6 years, he left us at home alone to ring in the New Year and he went to a party until 6 AM. I was so hurt and angry that I knew without a doubt that it was really over this time.

I went back to my attorney the following week and told him to finalize my divorce. When the Wednesday in January 1987 finally arrived, I was physically sick to my stomach. What should have been a happy day that was long overdue and a relief...it was far from that, it was one of the most emotional days of my life up to that point. When I went back to work after the court hearing, I cried all day because I felt so alone, empty and like a failure. It took 15 minutes to end what had taken so much of my time, emotions, energy, love and dedication for the past 9 years of dating and marriage. That part of my life was over.

I gave him until Friday to be completely moved out....so divorced...we still lived in the same house for 2 more days. No one in our town had any idea that we were in the process of getting a divorce, much less, that it was final. Everyone was shocked that I went through with it because neither one of us told anyone. Except for my parents, I suffered alone because I was ashamed and felt like a failure as a wife.

He was completely moved out by Friday, 2 days after our divorce was final. By then, the shock had wore off and I was totally relieved that he was gone. I no longer had to worry about where he was, whether he was going out that night or who he was with. It was the first Friday in 6 years that I went to bed and went to sleep without listening to see what time he came home.

The saddest part of it for me is that my son does not have any memories of his father and I married or what it was like to live with both parents. This is something that has haunted him all his life. However, for me, I finally had a perfect peace in knowing that everything that could have been done to save my marriage had been done and it was not meant to be saved.

My son and I started our lives together as our own "little family" that day in January 1987 when he was a few months short of being 2 years old.

Was life easy? Absolutely not!

Was God's hand of protection on us? Absolutely!

I was a child of God and His Word promises in...

Hebrews 13:5 "...I will never leave you nor forsake you."

His Word also promises that....

Psalm 68:5 A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.

Philippians 4:19 But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

How could someone walk out on a precious little boy like this?


Next entry: 4 Years of Pain, Anger, Bitterness, Forgiveness, Submission and Restoration

Have a wonderfully blessed day!