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I made it through day 1 of our fast and it felt good! We had meatless spaghetti with zucchini and whole wheat pasta. I made this last year and Tyler loved it and asked for it during the year when we were fasting. Tyler is not doing the Daniel Fast with Roger and I because he is in off season football training plus growing like a weed. He is sacrificing something else that he loves for these 21 days. We are trying to teach him the meaning behind fasting and the blessings from the Lord that we will receive for our sacrifice.
Now...on to my post for today. I keep trying to figure out just where I belong and who I am. I know who I am in Christ and my value with Him, but I am trying to find where I belong in this life.
I don't feel like I fit in with most of the ones that I know where I live. I don't care anything about designer this or that, my house is my home...not a show place, I don't have money to throw away on expensive things but would rather find a bargain. I know that my value is not based on material things but yet, some people look at you like it does. Why do I care?
I have struggled for 22 years now with self confidence and self esteem. I thought I had gotten stronger in these areas but it doesn't take much to pull me right back down to feeling worthless among my peers.
Why do I care? Why does it hurt? Why do I want to fit in? Why is it easier to just hide and avoid gatherings? Why do I not want to invite people into my home? Maybe because I know it doesn't compare to a few other's homes. How can I feel content, but yet, so beneath others? I don't know the answers.
I am feeling very raw, empty and emotional today. I'm not really sure why but I am. I'm sorry that this is not an uplifting and encouraging post but I am being the transparent person that I am in my blog. I write this with tears streaming down my face and a emptiness in my heart.
I know that God loves me, I am valuable to Him and the kingdom of God...these feelings don't have anything to do with my spiritual value...this is all physical, emotional and probably mental too.
Does any of this make any sense?
Have a wonderfully blessed day!
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4 years ago
I think we all have days like that, my friend. It's just best to avoid making big decisions and just trust in the Lord and wait it out. I try not to think about it to much on those days. You just end up feeling worse. It's just the enemy.
ReplyDeleteThe other night I almost gave up blogging because I felt like it just wasn't good enough compared to everyone else's blogs and what was the point if it wasn't glorifying the Lord. YKWIM. That's why it's best to sit it out an wait for tomorrow.
Most of our friends have spouses who make more than mine does. But that's o.k. People don't come to see your house, they come to see you. Money just shouldn't be an issue.
Our house is yard sale/thrift store "chic!" We were in a beautifully decorated huge home this weekend. They have a lovely home. I'm with you, we don't have the money. Sure, we could charge it but who wants to go into debt. Just remember that you never know the financial situation that people are in. Perhaps they can't afford it either.
You said you are content so just continue to be thankful and don't worry about what "they" think. I would imagine they would love to be in your loving, hospitable home. You can't buy happiness and you can't buy love.
Yes, you make perfect sense. We all have these feelings sometimes, we are only human. But, God loves us regardless my friend.
ReplyDeleteI've had days like that, Jennifer. Praying today is a much better day. Remember to look to the promises of God, for there you will find your worth. You are a child of the Most High God! He calls you beautiful and delights in you. He has exchanged your ashes and given you beauty beyond measure. Most importantly, He has saved your soul! You are a blessing to me and I love you, sistergirl!
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone with wondering where you fit in. I struggle with the same issues and always have. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to because for the most part I have decided to accept it as a part of who I am.
ReplyDeleteHello Precious,
ReplyDeleteRemember, you're fasting. That is why this stuff is stirred up in your heart. Fasting tends to do this. Either it is an attack from the enemy or God is gently showing you areas where he wants to bring healing.
You are such a blessing! I know how you feel -- I often feel like a square peg, but guess what? WE ARE UNIQUE AND God designed us just the way we are!
I love your sweet heart! Keep pressing on Jenn.
Beth
Yes, I completely understand my friend. I think we all have those days.
ReplyDeleteI pray God has loved on you today and shown you how valuable you are to Him. May you know His love down in the depths of your heart.
I pray against the attacks of the evil one. May he not have any power over your heart or emotions. But may you be protected from his flaming arrows.
Hang in there my friend. Tomorrow is another day. May you wake feeling refreshed and lighter in spirit. And may you know how much you are loved.
My heart is with you in prayer as you share your heart with us. Love you.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. I don't even care what some of these people think...it is just painful when they attack my upbringing...as if I had anything to do with it.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to you a lot here and will be praying for you too!