Brandon Came Home and Left Again

Are you having fun riding the roller coaster ride of our blended family? Well, I certainly hope so because the ride is not over yet!

Brandon lived with his father (I don't feel that "daddy" is appropriate for him because daddy is also a term of endearment, so to speak...over and above being a biological father...he wasn't) for just over a year but things weren't rosy there either. His father didn't really care where he was, who he was with, when he came home or even...if he came home at all. Now this would seem like every teenager's dream world but I'm quite sure that he would tell you today that he hurt him deeply to have his father act like he really didn't care. He was more of his "buddy"...not his father. Even though, at the time...I was the evil mother because we had boundaries, rules and expected a lot from him...in his grades, in the form of respect and just personally. It wasn't to be mean or punish him...but because we loved him and wanted the very best for him.

During his time away...I feel, shaped many different things in Brandon's life that might have been different if he had ONLY HAD A LOVING FATHER...his biological father...the one that he longed for and desperately wanted his love and attention. My heart breaks every time I write about this subject and it still makes me furious...all at the same time. My son deserved so much more!

His father brought him to our house on afternoon after having another one of their explosive episodes...he was having just as hard of a time handling him as I did. It wasn't as easy as he thought it was going to be but you have to take the role of parent...loving, firm, rule setter and enforcer...not his friend. After they had it out in our driveway...his father threw his stuff out of his truck and said "here he is...you take him...I'm through'. Well, you know, you have to actually start something before you can be finished with it. Anyway, that day...Brandon moved back in with us.

We had moved since he left home to go live with his father and this house only had 3 bedrooms. I had taken the job of insurance billing for the OB/GYN that I still work for...from home. The 3rd bedroom was my office. We had his futon already in there...so we shared a space for about 8-9 months...during his senior year in high school.

This time was not completely smooth but it did seem to be better than before he left just after he turned 16 before. We bought him a little car, got him a cell phone and got him settled in to finish school, then it would be off to college. That was our plans......

He drove like his mother...fast! He got one speeding ticket in the school zone that I got him out of, at which time...I told him that it was his ONLY get out of jail free card...anymore...he was on his own. It wasn't long and he got another speeding ticket in town and we made him go to court. Of course, he was a minor and I had to go with him plus I knew the judge...he ended up with 8 hours of community service and driving school. He also had to "be good" for 3 months and it would not show up on his record. Ok, you would think that he had learned his lesson...right?

WRONG! He knew how much trouble he was going to be in if he got anymore speeding tickets, being that he was on our insurance and the car was in my name! It was only 4 months later...I get an envelope in the mail from the juvenile department in Memphis. I thought that was weird and it was addressed to Brandon. I called him on his cell phone and told him what I had received. He said he didn't know what it could be and to open it.

Guess what it was? It was another speeding ticket doing 50 in a 35...however, in Memphis...if the driver is a minor, they have to issue him a juvenile ticket...not an adult ticket. When the ticket was turned in by the officer and processed...they realized what had happened...changed the ticket to the juvenile department, reissued it and mailed it to the house. Needless to say...he had to park the car. We made his get a ride to and from school or his mom would drive him and his little brother to school. How humilating is that for a senior to be dropped off at school by your mom? He wasn't even allowed to drive to his own prom...she drove.

Sometime over the next couple of weeks, I was talking to his father and telling him about what had happened. We were comparing notes because he said that Brandon had told him that he got a ticket but he couldn't tell me. He said it was on the interstate and I said "no, was in Memphis". He said that it was a state trooper and I said "no, it was a city police officer". Things were not matching up. Finally, his father said "you better call municipal court and see if he has gotten another ticket that you don't know about".

I called and guess what????? You got it! He got another ticket 4 days after the one in Memphis except this time....he was doing 102 down the interstate in a Geo Prism!

Oh, my goodness....I was livid!!!!! I called him on his cell phone and told him that he had better come home at lunch, removed his new CD player out of the car because I was selling the car. I told him that he was not going to kill himself or someone else in a car that was in my name. Not to mention, everyone is sue happy these days...I didn't need to be sued because of his recklessness.

He came home at lunch, got his CD player out of his car...I had already removed everything else from it...I was still furious. We had it out again...it was not pretty, to say the least. That was 4 tickets in 6 months time...the last 2 were 4 days apart. Good grief!

Brandon didn't like to be told what to do, controlled and he still doesn't...so he told me that he was leaving. He also told me that the only reason that he was living with us was for the car and if I took that away from him...then he didn't have any reason to stay here any longer.

It was 2 weeks before graduation! Believe me when I say...it only got uglier from there. It was a battle of the wills, who's in control, who was going to tell who what to do and who was determined to win. He thought he had all these rights as a teenager and I was determined to show him that he didn't. Everything that he owned was given to him by us and they were all in our house. Well...the police were involved before it was over. He lived with two friends and their stepmother until graduation.

This should have been one of the happiest times of our lives...our son's graduation from high school, going to college plus we were renovating a rent house in Memphis for him and a friend to live in while they were to college there.

I did tell him when he left that day that if he chose to leave then he was on his own. He would not have a car, a cell phone, a permanent roof over his head, college paid for and I would not support him financially either. He was angry and so was I...he said that he didn't care and left.

Did I handle everything correctly? No way! I was so angry and hurt...at the time...more angry, but the hurt and pain were hidden beneath the anger in the moment. When the anger subsided...this mother's heart was broken! Can you say...FAILURE? That is what I felt like once again. It wasn't the way this mother had dreamed her life with her precious son would turn out to be.

The old saying...What doesn't kill you, will make you stronger...is the truth. Brandon and I both are stronger, smarter, wiser, appreciate and love each other more since then...but it has taken quite some time...a couple of years after he graduated in 2004 to reach that point. He is still my beautiful, precious son...who I love with all my heart...in spite of all the pain that we both caused each other...in the learning experience of raising a son, a teenager and watching him grow into a man. Man, if only children would come from the womb with an instruction manual in their tiny little hands! Life would certainly be much easier...but each one of our children are unique, different, special, precious and we wouldn't want it any other way.

Next Entry: The Pain of a Mother's Breaking Heart

Teenagers

Teenagers! Where do I start on this subject? My, oh my...that was a roller coaster ride time in our lives.

Brandon was definitely a handful as a teenager. The emotions and hormones were running rampant during that time plus all the damage that his father had already done to him mentally and emotionally.

There weren't too many days that went by that the fireworks didn't go off at our house for one reason or another. The tension ran very high from day to day depending on the subject at hand.

The rebellion and anger grew more and more with each fight. Roger and Brandon didn't get along the majority of the time and that put a strain on my emotional and mental state plus my marriage. There were many times that I wanted to put my son out in the street and there were times that I wanted to put my husband out in the street. Not to mention, all the times that I wanted to run away from home alone!!!

Roger and I nearly divorced several times during the teenage years...more so than all the other years combined. I just go so tired of the fighting...all the time. There were times when I would tell Roger...don't make me choose between you and my son because you will lose everytime. I told him that God gave Brandon to me to raise and he came before my happiness or marriage. I don't know if I was right in my way of thinking all the time but he was my son and what kind of life would he have or what kind of man would he turn out to be if I sent him to live with his daddy.

It seemed that nothing ever made Brandon happy and he was determined to do things his way, on his terms and it seems like he chose to do anything that went against what we wanted him to do...90% of the time. He would suffer the consequences and he would adapt to any punishment that you gave him in order for him to do things his way. Rebellion...seems like an understatement during those times. Bull-headed, stubborn and strong willed were accurate descriptions of Brandon during those times. I told him that those things weren't bad if he would only channel them in the right way...if he put as much energy into setting his mind to achieving productive goals in his life as he did into trying to make my marriage miserable...he would be President of the United States right now! Brandon admitted to both of us in the past two years that his goal was to break up my marriage to Roger and have me to himself again. He nearly succeeded many times. Regardless of how angry and hurt we were...we NEVER stopped loving him...no matter how hard he pushed us both away...we NEVER stopped being there for him. Yes, we have exercised "Tough Love" so much over the past 4-5 years that it has hurt me so bad to say "no"...learn from your mistakes.

When Brandon turned 16 years old, things had gotten pretty explosive many times but we kept pushing forward. We tried to set boundaries and get by everyday without too many explosions.

I went to New Mexico with a friend of mine for some girl time and while I was gone...all manner of crud broke loose. I got a telephone call the day before I was set to come home from Roger telling me that Brandon left and his daddy picked him up. They had an arguement and I don't even know what it was about anymore but it became explosive. There was two different stories as to what happened that night. He went next door to the neighbors, asked to use their phone, called his daddy and had him come pick him up. Brandon moved out and when I finally got him on the telephone...he told me that he was leaving and I couldn't make him come home. My immediate reaction was..."watch me!", "oh, yes, I can" and "I have full custody and I can make you do whatever I tell you to do!". I was so angry with Brandon and Roger too. I leave for a mini vacation once in our marriage and actually, once in my life for some girl time and they couldn't get along for four days. I was furious!

By the time that I got home, I had calmed down and decided to let him live with his daddy rather than making our lives even more miserable by forcing him to come home. I decided to just back off. Our lives...mine, Roger and Tyler's settled down for once in a very long time. Don't get me wrong...I loved Brandon then with all my heart and I love him today with all my heart but that didn't always make our lives a bed of roses.

It was one of the hardest decisions that I had to make during his 18 years of life with me. I wanted to control the situation, him and I wanted to make everyone happy...I wanted to fix it. This was one of many things that I had to resign myself to that I couldn't fix the situation nor could I fix him. It was bittersweet during that time...there was peace in my home but turmoil in my heart. I knew that his daddy would let him go to places that he didn't need to be, go with people that he didn't need to be with and get into things that he didn't need to be into...just to get him out of his hair. He hadn't ever been a daddy to Brandon and I knew that he was not about to start then.

I decided to go to our juvenile court and enter Brandon into a program...FIN...Family In Need program. He was assigned a juvenile officer and caseworker. She was appointed as his counselor, caseworker and supervisor. He was told that he had to see her once a month, stay within the rules set by the court or he would be sent to juvenile hall or boot camp. This worked for a short time but even with any good program...it had it problems too. I knew in my heart that Brandon would eventually see his father for what he really was and come home. Which he did...about a year after he left.

Next Entry: Brandon's Return and His Exit Again

The Early Years of Our Blended Family

Ok...picking up where I left off before my son had his car wreck.

We came back home from our honeymoon and started our new lives together. We went back to work and set up house as a husband and wife with an almost 5 year old son and two girls ages 12 and 10 that came over every other weekend. The neatest thing is that Roger and Brandon's birthdays are on the exact same day...April 13th.

It was a time that we had to get to know each other...me and the girls, Roger with my son, all the kids together and all of us...new family of 5...plus we were getting used to living together as a married couple. My son went to spend the night with my mother every Tuesday night because he went to pre-school in my former hometown and she would take him. This day was welcomed by both Roger and I...we didn't have much time alone with a 5 year old living with us and there was no guarantee that Brandon's father would come get him on his weekends either. That happended more times than I can possible tell you...a child sitting waiting with his bags packed and his daddy never show up or even call him. It still breaks my heart to this day to think about how it made him feel his whole life...to be rejected (for the most part) by his own father.

We were only married about three months when we took a trip to Satellite Beach, FL...a timeshare vacation that Roger and his ex-wife had planned before their divorce. We took all three children and flew to Florida. While we were there, we stayed at resort on the beach...the beautiful Atlantic coast where we went out at night, walked the beach and watched sea turtle come onto the shore, dig a large hole and laid their eggs. That was so awesome.

For 2-3 days, we drove into Orlando to Disney World, Sea World and MGM Studio which was a two hour drive...each way. We had a great time while we were there. It was a bonding time for all of us, however, things weren't always smooth sailing. One of his daughters and I had a huge disagreement (nice way of saying a fight) that was not pretty. Looking back...I was insecure in my relationship with his daughters and they probably saw me as a "2nd rate" replacement of their mother. The one thing that I said from the very beginning was that "I was not their mother, did not want to replace their mother but I wanted to be their friend. What you have to remember is these were girls who loved their mother and father plus their lives together (their divorce was sudden and blindsided the girls)...all of this was very, very hard for them. I spend many years feeling very insecure and uncomfortable when all the children were together for the weekend at our house. I felt like I was being watched, sized up, being reported back to their mother on everything that I did...right or wrong. There were times that I would be told "that's not the way my mom does it or my mom does not make me do that". As a single parent and extremely stressed, I became a "yeller" and they were not used to yelling. I have no excuse for it that justifies my "yelling" but my job was getting stressful and my ex-husband was being a real pain. So for me, emotions were running high. These are all things that I did not realize until many, many years later...actually, were a really big problem for me and that I had never dealt with. If you do not deal with your stress, negative feelings and emotions...they can haunt you many years down the road.

My ex-husband had emotionally destroyed me...I left that marriage and entered into a single motherhood life with no self-esteem, no self-confidence and had huge walls built up around myself as effort to protect myself. We always had a good relationship with the girls mother and step-father throughout their teenage years, but I cannot say the same for my son's father.

In the early years of our marriage, Brandon was very good with Roger and Brandon loved the attention that Roger gave him. Roger took time with him, played with him, coached his basketball team, his t-ball team and his football team. But step-parenting is hard, very hard work and even then, sometimes you get to a point of giving up and not trying anymore. To me the greatest thing you can give your child if he/she comes from a broken home is to support the other parent and their new spouse. You've always heard that the child is the one who suffers when there is tension between parents and/or step-parents...that is so true but it is also very hard on the step-parent. A child will usually love their parent inspite of their flaws but they do not have to love that step-parent, make that step-parents life easy and it can destroy your marriage if it is not controlled. This was a deadly combination with Roger, my ex-husband and myself for many, many years. It seems that my ex-husband had the opinion that "he did not want me but he was also going to make sure that I was not happy with anyone else either". As for the girls, their mother was always supportive or if she wasn't...she sure made us believe that she was:) No, seriously, I believe that we all tried really hard to work together...all 4 of us to help raise Roger's daughters. I can only imagine the difference it would have made in our lives, marriage, Roger and Brandon's relationship and in Brandon's life as a whole if his father had only been supportive.

I fully believe with all my heart that when a couple goes to get married and they are going to be blending families...they should have to take step-parenting classes/counseling, as well as, marriage counseling. It is hard, very hard...because they only part you have control over is yourself, your spouse and your home...you cannot change the other parent unless they want to be willing to work with you and your new spouse.